


Physical Need

by Katernin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Basically Harry is sad and Louis is his therapist who tries to help him, Harry is very emotional but that's ok so am I, Louis gives Harry piggy back rides literally why wouldn't you want to read this, Louis' cat has a dumb name but Harry thinks it's cute, M/M, Niall hosts poetry slams at a coffee shop, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Zayn is kind of a little shit in the beginning, therapist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-04-17 07:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 56,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4658637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katernin/pseuds/Katernin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s sad to think about how many lovely people are living every day of their lives hating themselves.” Louis shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “I think what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,
> 
> I've worked so hard on this fic and spent a lot of time working with the characters and messing around with words. I started it a couple years ago and finally decided to push through and finish a few final things and now... here it is. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Katie.

“Harry are you paying attention to me?”

The curly haired boy looked up because, no he wasn’t paying attention, and he was never good at it. He was good at paying attention to Louis though. Not what he was saying but sometimes just the way his lips moved and the way he squinted when he was thinking and the way he was focused on Harry like he was the only person in the room and… oh yeah.

“What?” Harry swallowed and focused his own mind on the brunet in front of him. Louis rolled his eyes playfully and scribbled a few words down on his paper before looking back up at him.

“I see the medication isn’t working?” Louis pushed his glasses back and set his notepad on the table next to him. Harry watched him slide backwards into his seat before reaching over and grabbing his Starbucks that he had with him each morning that he saw him.

“No.” Harry shrugged like it wasn’t important. Like he wasn’t important. It wasn’t that Harry felt like he wasn’t important. It was that others felt as if Harry wasn’t important. Or, at least that’s what Harry thought and everything he thought was confusing and jumbled in his mind; like a puzzle he couldn’t put together because there was always a piece missing.

“There is another antidepressant I can give you that may help.” Louis started that little tap with his foot that Harry always noticed. Harry always noticed everything that Louis did, because well, it was Louis. The only person who Harry really relied on for help on anything and he sometimes wonders where he would be without him. If he happened to be anything at all.

“What is that? Eight pills now.” Harry ran a hand through his hair and his senses were jumping at him by one of the many pills he forced down his throat each morning.

“I counted seven.” Louis smiled lightly and Harry forced his lips to go up too, but only for Louis.

Harry had waited for the question. Sometimes he thinks it isn’t coming but it always does and Louis always asks because Harry believes the man with the quiff in his hair might care about him; if only a little.

“How are you doing?” Louis twirls his black pen in his hand and taps his foot in rhythm and Harry thinks Louis is fascinating.

“Great.” Harry always answers the same question with the same answer and Louis always asks again with an eyebrow raised and Harry finally tells him something different.  
Harry never feels great and Louis knows.

“They shoved my face into the toilet.” Harry sunk back into his seat because talking about his life made him uncomfortable and he would much rather be talking about Louis and his somewhat normal life. “It was kind of like in the movies.” Harry could hear his deep voice being drawn out slowly and he started focusing on speeding it up because maybe people noticed and that-

“Hey.” Louis spoke quietly and Harry hadn’t realized that he was scratching the back of his hand with long scrapes of his fingernails. While Harry focused on everything he really couldn’t focus on anything and that made his life pretty confusing. He thought too much and focused too little and sometimes he got the two mixed up. But, maybe they are the same thing. Harry doesn’t really know.

“Sorry.” Harry muttered under his breath but it was too loud and didn’t sound right.

Louis raised his eyebrows in a way of saying ‘don’t be sorry Harry’ and the younger boy understood. “What were their names?” Louis stopped tapping for a moment to lean forward.

“No.” Harry shook his head and put his finger in his mouth instead because fingernails always grew back and also because Louis didn’t say anything about it.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me who did it.” Louis sighed because Harry always answered in short answers and never paid attention to what he was saying and Harry noticed the small annoyed expressions on his face sometimes; even if it wasn’t meant for him to see.

“Have you ever wondered if- if maybe I don’t need help?” Harry stopped and bit into his finger nail for a moment. “Like, maybe I should be like this.”

“I don’t think so Harry.”

“Well maybe I think so.”

“Did they hurt you?” Louis changed back to the subject Harry was trying to avoid and sometimes Harry hated Louis Tomlinson.

“No.” Harry said under his breath. “I’m alive.”

“Well, that’s good then.” Louis sounded like he gave up and Harry was a little disappointed.

“Can we talk about you?” Harry asked as he rolled his hands into his sweater because he felt like maybe Louis would say yes today and Harry could go home feeling that warm feeling inside his tummy every time he watched Louis talk about his life and not Harry’s.

“Not today Harry.”

-

“How was your chat with Louis today honey?” Anne spoke as she cut her piece of bread in half and handed it to Harry. The curly haired boy took a bite of it and set it down on the counter next to him, already feeling the food slide down his throat and land in his stomach like a brick.

“Fine.” He leaned his head on his covered hand and looked down at the bread before rolling his eyes up towards his Mum.

“What did you two talk about?” She smiled at him and Harry wanted to go upstairs because he didn’t want to talk about this.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He pulled his other hand into his sweater and let his eyes drift over to the fridge. He wondered what Louis’ was doing. If he was talking to someone else about their problems or maybe he was at home with his cat and typing away on his computer.

“Alright. I have to go back to work anyways.” She folded her napkin in half and threw it at the trash bin. “We can talk about it tomorrow.”

Harry managed to stumble out a small ‘alright’ before his Mum was pressing a small kiss on his forehead and leaving him in the kitchen all alone. Harry’s right hand tightened into a fist for a moment because sometimes he was annoyed that his Mum was only home for twenty minutes a day and at night he had to pretend he was asleep so she wouldn’t get angry at him for being awake that late.

But Harry wouldn’t let it get to his head. There were things that were much worse and he felt uncomfortable talking to her anyways. So he did what he did every day, he dragged his feet upstairs and sat down on the deck outback.

He thought about school and the coffee shop down the street where he listened to poetry every Friday night and he thought about the weekend and music and Louis Tomlinson, who seemed to be the only person that cared about his wellbeing.

Sometimes Harry would take out a cigarette and smoke until it was midnight and his Mum would be coming home from work any minute. Other times Harry would come home from school and sit in his shower for hours and cry and pull at his hair because people could be mean.

Harry hurt himself and didn’t realize it. Louis would have to explain it to him.

“Cutting yourself isn’t something normal people do.”  
“You need to eat.”  
“Smoking can damage your lungs.”  
“You may get cancer.”  
“I don’t want you to die.”  
“I care.”

Harry whines loudly when he’s alone because Louis is the only one not going against Harry and that doesn’t help him most of the time. Harry wonders if Louis really cares, if he’s just pretending so he will get paid. But Harry had asked him once and Louis had said no.

He wants to tell Louis that he is a shit therapist. That he isn’t really helping. That he needs to go back to Uni and do that one year he skipped out on because he’s missing the point of Harry’s life. But Harry doesn’t want to lose Louis. He likes Louis.

-

“Hot chocolate?” Margaret asks Harry the same question every Friday.

“Could you add two shots of vodka in that for me?” Harry smiles because he thinks Margaret deserves it. The poor girl working in the coffee shop with the baggy eyes and bun holding up her long hair. Harry doesn’t know her well, but she always remembers that he likes hot chocolate.

“One.” She hisses quickly before turning around and hurrying to the back of the shop. Harry turns around and walks back towards the front door before sitting down at his empty table by the window. He watches the rain drizzle down the window and wonders how high up it had been in the sky. He watches people walk down the street and a few open the doors to the coffee shop and shut their umbrellas before finding a seat.

Harry watches the first person go up to the podium and tap the mic a couple times. They don’t even need it considering how small the shop is but Harry stopped that thought and focused on what he focused on best.

“How is everybody tonight?” The short blond tapped the mic again and smiled, a red blush crept up his face and he ducked down a bit. After a few people shouted good he looked back up and took a deep breath. “It’s that time of the week again as you all probably know.” He continued and Harry glanced over at Margaret as she came out to hand him his Hot Chocolate.

“Thank you.” He muttered quietly.

“Just tell me if you want more.” She smiled and walked back to the counter. Harry never wanted more because he couldn’t go over his calorie count. He took a small sip and set it back down. His focus went back to the blond at the podium.

“I’m Niall and I’ll be introducing everyone tonight.” He readjusted the collar of his shirt and Harry guessed that he was nervous. He pretty much knew everyone in here and everyone knew him, but nobody ever spoke to him.

He was just the boy who sat in the back of the coffee shop on Friday poetry reading. Usually the same twenty or so people came in and Harry had spent his time memorizing each and every one of them. The group had gained five people in the past two years Harry had attended and he was one of them.

So he watched as people went up to the podium and gained enough courage to read their poems that they made up every week. Harry found it quite fascinating and when everyone clapped he balled his hands into fists he kept hidden inside his sweater because he was afraid of clapping too loud.

He was afraid of being heard.

\- 

“Styles is asleep again.”

Harry slowly lifted his head from his arms and looked up at his professor. His eyes flicked to everyone in the room staring at him and his lips parted slowly. A wave of anxiety rolled over him and he perked up slightly in his chair.

“Sorry I-“ He paused his words when he realized he couldn’t think of anything to say. ‘Yes professor I didn’t sleep last night. I was hurting myself again. Oh yeah, I forgot my homework. Again’ was not something Harry would ever say.

“You?” He hit the board with the wooden stick in his hands. “Tell me what Antonio did after he launched the rocket.”

“I-“ And Harry felt tears brim at his eyes because he didn’t know and he knew everyone was about to laugh at him and he was going to try not to cry because that would be more embarrassing then the situation he was in.

“Yes Harry that was correct.” The sarcasm dripped from his voice and then the laughter was invading his ears and Harry wished he could be in homeschooling because he hated it here. He wished he could disappear and fly away. He often thought if he was a bird what kind he would be and where he would fly to.

Ten minutes after the bell rang Harry was being pushed up against a locker and before he could even see who it was, his shirt was being gripped in fists. Harry knew it was Zayn before he looked at his face.

“Hey Styles you look like you’re about to cry.” He spat at Harry and the younger boy closed his eyes as his back was lifted off the wall and slammed back in again. “Would you like me to help you with that?” His voice was mean and Harry opened his eyes to leather jacket and quiffed black hair.

Nobody around them was doing anything about it and people were already clearing out of the hallways to go home. Harry would glance over at someone and wish he were them, because then he wouldn’t be in this situation and wouldn’t have to worry about Zayn or anything for that matter.

“Do I need to teach you a lesson Harold?” Zayn’s spit literally was hitting Harry’s face and he tried to shuffle out of his grip. Zayn took him and shoved him farther up the wall until he was on his tip toes.

“Stop.” Harry jerked his body to the side but didn’t move much.

“What was that?” Zayn’s eyes widened and he leaned in closer. Harry sometimes wondered if Zayn was having a hard time at home or something. He had read that bullies are often the ones being bullied. But then again, Zayn was popular. He was in the cliché of kids that Harry would never be a part of.

“Zayn lets go.” And suddenly Liam was thrusting a backpack into Zayn’s arms and pushing him away from Harry. “I want to go home and I’m not waiting for you.” Liam brushed his hair to the side and Zayn let one hand go on Harry to get his backpack. He glanced at Liam and back to Harry before glaring and backing off of him.

“Watch yourself kid.” He took one last glance before following Liam down the hallway.

-

Harry banged the side of his head against the tiles on the shower floor. He thought that if maybe he lay down on his side in the shower and bang his head against the tiles that maybe all his thoughts would fall out and he wouldn’t be thinking about this anymore.

He spent an hour in the shower watching the blood from his wrists seep out and fall down the drain to never be seen again. He spent another with his back pressed against warm tiles and his feet kicking at the ones across from him. He spent another screaming and crying and pulling at his hair because he wanted this to stop.

Three hours later Harry wrapped himself in a towel and sat down on the floor of the large bathroom. He stared at the full body mirror and went over every part on his face. He tried to figure out what went wrong. What he did to cause all of these thoughts and all of this torture. He spent another hour sitting and staring off into space in a numb pain. That was the worst.

He slowly got up and dragged his towel off his body, not daring to look in the mirror; he put on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt before crawling under the covers and turning off the bedroom light. But he couldn’t sleep. It was only around eleven and Harry’s sleep schedule was fucked up.

Harry always told himself he needed to go to bed earlier but he always ended up staring at the wall for hours before finally falling asleep. Now Harry was staring at the wall think about suicide and Louis Tomlinson. He wondered what Louis would think if he killed himself because he seemed to be the only one that cared.

And Harry was reaching for his cell phone with shaky hands because Louis always told Harry that he could call him whenever he needed to. Harry sat with the phone in his hand for twenty minutes before finally calling because the longer he waited the more anxious he grew.

“Hello?” Louis’ voice was sleepy when he picked up on the third ring. Harry listened to him yawn before he spoke.

“Louis.” And Harry’s voice sounded small and he wished that he could be face to face with Louis because it was much easier for him. He could focus on Louis’ figure and the way he had small dimples when he smiled hard and the way his eyebrows went down with his smile. But Harry was in pitch black and could hear the echoing of Louis’ voice through his entire being.

“Harry?” Louis’ voice seemed to wake up slightly and Harry heard some rustling on the other end of the phone. “How are you? What’s up?”

Harry spared no time asking. “If I killed myself would you care?”

And yeah, maybe Harry almost chucked the phone across the room because what did he just do. He heard Louis’ breath get caught in his throat and no, Harry had made him uncomfortable. He shouldn’t have called, he should have-

“Of course I would.” Louis sighed. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because-“ Harry choked on a sob and he hadn’t realized he was crying until his face started to feel wet and uncomfortable. “I want to die Louis.” His voice let out a weird sound and Harry covered his mouth with his hand and sat up. “I- I hurt myself again.” He took a sharp breath. “I can’t- can’t think straight.” And he started to cry harder when he realized that he was talking so much all at once and it was coming out of his mouth. He was angry because he wasn’t thinking over his words.

“Count to ten for me okay Harry?” Louis’ voice was calm on the other end of the phone but there was a hint of edge to it.

“Yes.” It came out as a sob and Harry placed his hand back over his mouth.

“And do it again and again until you calm down a bit. Maybe even count to one hundred.” Louis’ voice didn’t sound tired anymore.

“Will you stay with me?” Harry asked quickly.

“Yes, yes, just count for me Harry.” Louis’ voice quieted and Harry closed his eyes and tried to count in his head. He sat there for a good ten minutes before he opened his eyes and spoke again.

“Alright.” His voice was scratchy and his face was covered in dried tears and he felt disgusting and wished he hadn’t called Louis.

“Are you going to kill yourself tonight Harry?” Louis’ voice was soft and Harry wanted to start crying again but he stopped himself.

“No- I don’t-no I’m not.” Harry said quietly so he wouldn’t start crying. “Everything hurts right now.”

“I know. I know.” Louis whispered almost like he would break Harry if he grew any louder. “I want to see you again tomorrow alright? I care about you so much Harry and I want to help you.”

“Louis I don’t know if you can.” And Harry closed his eyes and drew his knees into his chest because the reality of that sentence hurt him.

“Let me try.”

“Yeah?” Harry was leaning back into his pillow and pulling his covers over his head.

“Yeah.” Louis breathed out and Harry felt the tears brimming at his eyes again.

“Please don’t call my mom.” He whispered. Louis chuckled lightly from the other end of the phone.

“I won’t Harry you’re almost eighteen.” He spoke and a small amount of relief washed over his body. “Just promise me I will see you tomorrow.”

“Yes I promise.” He shakily wiped his hands over his eyes because Louis made something deep down inside of him feel warm inside and he wished he had met him on different terms. “Goodnight.”

“Be safe.”

And the line clicked.

-

“So his name is Zayn?” Louis had one of his legs crossed over the other and Harry was focused on his jeans and how professional he looked every morning that Harry saw him. Louis hadn’t commented on the way Harry was wearing his pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt because it was Tuesday and he had school in an hour.

“Yeah.” Harry was biting the insides of his lips until he could taste blood because Louis still hadn’t brought up last night and Harry was just waiting for it to happen.

“Would you like me to contact the school for you?” Louis had his hand tangled in the tuffs of his hair as he leaned his elbow on the side of his chair. No, Harry would not like that. He wouldn’t like that at all actually.

“It would make it worse.” Harry whispered and Louis stared at him for a moment almost like he was thinking about something.

“Have you ever asked your Mum if you could change schools?” Louis finally spoke and Harry was snapped away from his thoughts on what Louis’ cat looked like.

“No.”

“Well maybe you should.” Louis put his finger on his lips and Harry watched him pull it to the side. “I think people are giving you a hard time there and a new start might help you get better.” He tapped his fingers against the armrest twice before standing up and reaching his hands out towards Harry. “Here let’s do something.”

“Okay.” And Harry was taking Louis’ hands with his shaking ones because Louis was touching him and that was… wow. Both of them stood in the center of the room and Louis brought their hands up in front of their faces.

“If I do this-“ And Louis was pushing against Harry’s hands and the younger boy was taking a step back and almost pulled his hands away before Louis stopped. “You don’t fight back.” He said simply and Harry stared at him wide eyed because he didn’t really understand where Louis was going with this. “You just let it happen. You need to do something about it.”

“What?” Harry didn’t get the point.

“Push back against my arms. Pretend I’m Zayn." 

"What?" But Harry was confused as to why Louis was making him do this because it wasn't helping anything.

"Do you trust me?" Louis squeezed Harry's hands in his and Harry swore he almost fell over because his face was three feet away from Louis Tomlinsons'.

"Yes." Harry's face grew warm and he turned his attention down to their connected hands because this shouldn't be turning his stomach inside out and maybe the feeling of throwing up was mistaken with fond. Harry didn't know.

Either way Harry turned his attention back to Louis' instructions and pushed weakly at Louis because he didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want to hurt anyone really.

"Like you mean it Harry." Louis raised his voice and Harry pushed a tad bit harder. "As hard as you can." Louis shouted and something flipped in Harry's brain because he was pushing against him with much more force than before. He closed his eyes and thought about Zayn for a moment. 

Zayn. 

Harry hadn't realised he had rammed Louis into the wall and had his arms pinned next to his waist. He looked up into Louis' eyes and the older boy looked- Harry couldn't read his eyes and he took a step away.

"I- I- hurt you?" It came out as a question because Harry wasn't entirely sure of what he had just done. But then Louis was wrapping his arms around Harry and laughing and the younger boy was confused yet again. 

"I'm so proud of you." Louis exhaled into Harry's shoulder. "We're going to get somewhere with this. That was so good Harry." He leaned backwards and smiled and Harry guessed that he hadn't hurt Louis and was weakly smiling back because fuck, he doesn't remember what just happened.

-

Margaret wasn’t standing at the front counter when Harry walked inside the coffee shop the next Friday night. He would say he was surprised, but he didn’t show it as he walked up to the counter and cuffed his hands to the corner of the table.

“What can I get for you.” An older lady smiled at Harry and he managed to smile back with less effort than usual. The shop was his safe haven. Nothing bad ever happens in here. 

“Hot Chocolate would be nice.” And Harry was scanning over his words in his head and wondering how the old lady would take them and he wondered if she thought he was odd. Most people did.

“Alright, would you like it in a mug or in a cup.” She punched a few times into the small cash register and Harry watched with parted lips.

“Uh, a mug?” It came out as a question and Harry wanted to swallow the words back down his throat. She gave him a raise of her eyebrow before nodding slightly and turning her attention back down to the register.

“Anything to eat dear?” 

“No, I-” He paused and looked down at his hands that were clutching the counter in a death grip. “Is- Margaret- where- is she here.” Harry was going to cry. He was going to. No, he wasn’t he was just asking a question and it was okay to trip over his words. Harry told himself it wasn’t thought. 

When she didn’t answer Harry looked up slightly and shifted over onto his right leg. “Uh-” She paused and looked behind her. “I believe she is sick today. At her house I’m guessing.” She gave Harry another smile but he didn’t smile back this time.

“Okay.” He whispered. He shouldn’t have asked.

Harry wasn’t really focusing as he paid the lady. He was thinking about tonight and how he probably wouldn’t sleep because of a stupid stutter in his words. He wasn’t careful enough. He wasn’t thinking over his words and he was such an idi-

He wasn’t paying attention when he ran straight into a solid body. He closed his eyes for a moment and prayed that it was a coat hanger or something but he knew it wasn’t in the back of his mind.

“Harry?”

No. Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse than it already was. He felt like the world was watching him when he opened his eyes as slowly as possible. It wasn’t him because it couldn’t be. Why would he come here when there were so many other coffee shops he could have gone to.

“Louis?” Harry’s voice came out in a small squeak and he blinked a couple of times to make sure the older boy was really there. Louis was dressed in a pair of grey sweat pants and a light purple sweatshirt. His hair was sticking out of his head in odd angles and he looked like he had just woken up.

“What are you doing here?” Louis spoke; making Harry look from Louis’ chest back to his eyes. Harry felt his chest tighten and he dug his fingers into his palms until it hurt. What was Louis doing here? The thought went through his mind over and over until he remembered that Louis had asked him a question and opened his mouth to speak.

“Poetry night?” He shrugged his shoulders awkwardly at the small podium to the side of the shop. Louis’ eyes followed his and stared at the stand for a moment before looking back to Harry. “Every Friday I come.” Harry swallowed.

“You never told me.” Louis spoke softly as he reached out of his sweatpants pocket to run a hand through his hair. “How long have you been coming?” And ugh, did he really have to ask questions while they were here. 

“Two years.” Harry shrugged smaller this time and looked over Louis’ shoulder and then back at Louis. 

“Mind if I sit with you?” He questioned with a raise of his eyebrows. Louis made him nervous and Harry didn’t know how he felt about it. But he couldn’t really say no because that would be rude. 

“Sure.” Harry looked down at Louis’ chest because he couldn’t look at him in the eye.

“I’m going to go get a coffee first though.” Louis smiled and took a step around him. Once he was behind Harry the younger boy let his body relax and his fist unclench. He could do this. Have a conversation with him and be on with his life; that was all he had to do. 

When Harry sat down he couldn’t focus on anything but Louis. He had never seen Louis outside of the therapist office and he looked like a regular person now; not dressed in a suit and tie. He watched Louis laugh with the older lady at the cash register and lean on his side when he pulled out his wallet.

He continued to watch until Louis turned around and locked eyes on him. Harry looked down at his hands as Louis pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. It was quiet for a moment and Harry’s gaze shifted out to the window next to him. It was raining again and there was hardly anyone out on the streets tonight.

“Are you going to read something?” Louis questioned and Harry snapped his gaze to Louis’ face. He lips parted slightly and he dug his fingers back into his palms.

“No.” He spoke with a slight shake of his head. It wasn’t enough; he needed to say something else. “I don’t have anything to read.”

“So, you just enjoy coming?” He tilted his head to the side. Louis’ fingers tapped on the table in a light rhythm.

“Yeah.” Harry needed to speak louder. He wasn’t being loud enough. He didn’t really want to speak in the first place; just listen to poetry and think about life. But Louis was sitting in front of him and asking questions that Harry would force himself to answer. 

The elderly lady quickly walked by to place their drinks on the table before walking back to the counter. Louis waved her off with a small smile before turning his attention back to Harry. Louis was spending time with Harry. Fuck.

It was quiet for a while and Harry watched the sun slowly start to set and the rain pelt harder against the ground. Louis was staring at Niall; who was trying to push up a podium in the middle of the coffee shop without much luck. Harry would glance over at Louis and snap his eyes back out the window. He shouldn’t be doing that.

“How’s school?” Louis mumbled after a while. “Not as a therapist or anything.” His eyes awkwardly rolled and his laugh came out awkward. Harry’s lips parted because honestly he’s never seen Louis like this. “If that makes sense.” And then he’s shrugging and Harry’s focus goes to looking at the fabric on Louis’ sweatshirt instead of answering the question. 

“Fine.” He settles with it because there isn’t much else he would say. Not as a therapist or anything. “How’s work.”

“Tiring.” Louis’ cheeks puff out and he lets out a long strand of breath before picking up his coffee and pressing it to his lips. Harry’s eyes look from his sweatshirt to his hair and then to his hands and why can’t he just look him in the eyes dammit. 

“Oh.” Harry mutters lowly and reaches out to take his drink. 

“It’s just annoying.” Louis starts the conversation with a roll of his eyes and Harry thinks he’s talking about him but Louis wouldn’t do that. “Like, my boss wants me to do all of this paperwork that has nothing to do with my job.” And Harry zoned out after that because Louis wasn’t talking about him. Harry’s hand unconsciously clenched his cup in his hand over and over again. 

“Are you alright?” Louis’ eyes narrowed and Harry snapped his gaze to his eyes and nodded his head slightly. “Your lips going to bleed if you keep biting it that hard.” He frowned slightly and tilted his head to the side. 

“Uh-” Harry’s lips parted and he glanced out the window for a moment because why was Louis looking at his lips and then he thought about how he was a therapist and that’s probably just what they do or whatever.

“Anyways.” Louis smiled again and Harry’s chest clenches because fuck. 

“Anyways.” Harry repeated and why would he do that. Before Louis can start up another conversation, Niall is tapping on the mic and stuttering on his words again. Usually, Harry would focus and listen to the words flowing through his head, but Louis was making his stomach turn and Harry didn’t know if he wanted to feel it. He wanted Louis to stay because even though he liked being left alone, having someone there was a little bit better.

-

Louis walked him home and Harry had his hands crossed in front of his chest thinking about the poetry he didn’t pay attention to and LouisLouisLouis because Louis was smiling at him and laughing loud and acted like he knew Harry for a long time.

Harry thought about hurting himself because he didn't exactly know how he was feeling and it was scary actually. Really scary. Harry was shaking slightly in his own skin but he didn't say anything and he could easily pass it off for being cold. Louis was actually having a good time, or at least it looked like it and Harry was looking pretty hard.

“Tea just isn’t good when it isn’t made by my Mum anymore. Something's off about it and I can’t get to the bottom of it.” Louis rambles on and on and Harry wants to take apart every word he is saying and store it deep inside his chest so he can look back on it later, but at the same time Harry is focusing on Louis’ movements more than his words and he can’t help it really.

“I like tea.” Harry hums quietly and Louis smiles at him. It goes quiet and they walk in silence for a while. Harry wonders where Louis lives. He wants to know what his flat looks like and wants to meet his cat Louis mentions often. He wants Louis to be his friend in reality and not his therapist because really, it’s just making everything more awkward inside of Harry’s mind. He really just wants Louis in general and he can’t figure out why.

“You alright?” Louis mutters and Harry can see his breath ghosting out into the chilly air. 

“M’good.” Harry shrugs his shoulders and looks back down at his feet. He figured that Louis was walking him home considering that they were only a block away from his house. He didn’t know how to feel about that really.

“No. Are you going to be alright?” Louis’ voice curves and Harry sighs because he had temporarily forgotten that he was his therapist. “When you get home?” He added, making Harry’s hands clench into fists.

“Yeah.” But it was too quiet and Harry was only making it worse on himself. He always did. Harry stopped walking when they came to the complex he lived in. It was lovely really; expensive looking and well kept with two stories in each living space. Louis stared at the front door he assumed was Harry’s and then looked back at him.

Harry wasn’t prepared when Louis softly wrapped his arms around his small waist and hugged him close. He stilled his body and held his breath. It was awkward and he had to tell himself to relax because what the hell was Louis doing.

“Breathe.” Louis sighed and so Harry did.

-

Harry cried when he got inside of his bedroom and he really didn’t know why. It went on for what felt like hours and when Harry sat on his bed with tears staining his cheeks and his own blood still dripping onto the sheets, he wondering if he was overreacting. But the voice in the back of his head told him that he was wrong and needed to fix it. He didn’t know how.

He didn’t know what he was feeling and he figured it was more than one thing. He couldn’t sort it out in his head and put two and two together. Louis flipped something in him. Nobody ever talked to Harry and cared and fuck.

Harry pulled at his hair and rolled over into his pillow screaming. He needed to stop feeling. He needed a cigarette. He didn’t know what he needed honestly. Whatever was going on was messing with Harry’s head and he didn’t want that; his head didn’t want that. 

So, Harry turned off the light and caved in on himself. He stared into the darkness for what felt like hours and so many thoughts went through his head.

He wasn’t expecting it when his Mum opened his bedroom door and turned on the hallway light. He slammed his eyes shut and quietly pulled the covers over his body. She walked over to the side of the bed and leaned down; pressing a kiss to his forehead and smoothing the covers down over his small body before leaving the door cracked and going to sleep.

Harry didn’t sleep good that night.

-

Harry didn’t mean to fall asleep at Louis’ office, he really didn’t. He was just tired and who wants to get up at six in the morning on a Sunday to get ready for nothing of importance. Nobody, Harry thinks.

Harry couldn’t quite process where he was when he woke up and stared at the ceiling as he heard someone typing away at a computer. He was still trying to forget Friday night and trying to wipe away all the feelings that had come crashing into his brain. Feeling sad was just normal to him and it was comfortable in a way. Just, knowing where things were headed and controlling the outcome of everything. But now Harry was confused.

“Louis?” Harry tilted his head to the side and watched as Louis spun his office chair around to look at Harry with a small smile. It was his work smile. Harry didn’t know he had a different one until Friday. He didn’t know a lot of things about Louis until Friday.

“Tired?” Louis raised an eyebrow at him and Harry gave a small nod before closing his eyes again. “It’s noon.” Louis’ voice was bouncing into Harry’s ears and he didn’t really want to have a therapy session. He shouldn’t because it should have been over hours ago. 

“Oh.” 

“Your Mum called me and asked where you were.” Louis started typing on the computer again and Harry’s mind drifted off to his Mum and he didn’t want to think about her at all.

“Oh.” 

“I told her that you were helping me with some stuff.” Louis’ voice strained and Harry guessed that he was reaching for something across the table. “You should get more sleep you know. It isn’t healthy to be staying up all night.”

“Oh.”

“Harry.”

“I wasn’t up all night. I went to sleep at five.”

“An hour of sleep isn’t enough to keep you alive.”

“Oh.” Harry doesn’t realise his voice is as flat as it is.

“Do you want me to give you some sleeping pills?” Louis suggested and Harry instantly stiffened and cracked one of his eyes open.

“No.” It’s a plea but it comes out hard. “No.” He repeats it again because he already has so many pills and he hates pills.

“Alright.” Louis spoke lightly and continued to type. Harry forced himself to roll off of the couch and sit up on the floor. He looked out of the sliding glass door and then looked to Louis’ back not exactly knowing what to do.

“Should I leave?” Harry forced the words out of his mouth even though he didn’t really want to say it; but he doesn’t know what else to do.

“If you want to.” Louis doesn’t stop typing on his computer and Harry wonders how he can focus on the words he’s saying.

“Okay.” And Harry sits still because he doesn’t want to.Ten minutes pass and Harry thinks that he should make conversation because isn’t that what normal people do? He can’t get the words out of his mouth though. Louis is usually the one talking to him and asking him to talk about certain things. 

“What are you doing today?” Louis finally sighs and turns around in his chair to stare at him. Harry feels small sitting on the floor and maybe he should have sat on the couch. 

“Nothing.” Harry replies and Louis frowns because Harry isn’t supposed to answer with one word. It doesn’t get anything done and Louis always wants Harry to get things done, even though he doesn’t know what he is doing.

“You’re never not doing anything.” Louis rolls his eyes but a smile plays on his lips. “The cells in your body are always moving trying to keep you healthy and heal your wounds. You’re always breathing-” And Harry tunes out again because he always does. He doesn’t need another physics lesson on how his body works. He knows.

“I’m going home.” Harry interrupts quietly. “I’m going to my room and I’m going to listen to music.” He thinks a while longer but doesn’t have anything else to say.

“Oh.” Louis’ lips press into a thin line; almost like he’s thinking. Harry watches his eyebrows lean in. “Do you want to run some errands with me?”

“What?” Harry’s lips part and he looks up into Louis’ eyes. 

“Just so you won’t have to sit at home all day.” Louis shrugs and offers him another smile and Harry really wants to take a knife and stab it in his chest. Nobody ever wanted to do anything with him, except maybe his Mum, but she was at work and couldn’t.

“What?” Harry repeats again and he doesn’t know what to say because he has never been in a situation like this. Louis was his therapist and he’s pretty sure Louis wasn’t supposed to be friends with him outside of the office. Maybe it’s that year of school he missed out on.

Louis doesn’t answer but raises his eyebrow and Harry just stares because he really, really doesn’t know what to say. His stomach is turning again and that voice in the back of his head is hissing for him to stay away, but he doesn’t want to.

“Um.” Harry stuttered out and scratched his hands against his jeans harder than he should. “Sure, yeah.” He nods once and Louis turns around to shut his laptop and get up from his chair.

“Lets go then.” He walks over to the door and takes his jacket off his chair in the process. He stops at the door and turns to look at Harry who is sitting on the ground, staring back with his lips parted. It takes him a moment to finally realise that Louis wants him to get up and follow him and he feels embarrassed.

-

“Won’t my Mum wonder where I am?” Harry asks when they get into the car. Louis’ car was clean but old. A long row of CD’s where lined up along the top sun visor with different handwriting along each one. Harry pondered if they were mixed tapes. A dreamcatcher hung on the interior mirror and he wondered if maybe someone had made it for him. 

“I told her you would be home by eight.” Louis shut his door and immediately reached over Harry’s body to pull out a CD. Harry sank back into his seat and blindly grabbed for his seatbelt, his eyes watching Louis’. 

“You knew I would come with you?” He grabbed his seatbelt with shaky fingers and clicked it into place.

“I was hoping you would. It’s better for you to be out then to be sitting in your room all day.” Louis turned the car on and it stalled for a minute before roaring to life. He wrapped one of his hands around the steering wheel before leaning to push the CD into place. It comes on low but it gets rid of the silence.

“I like being in my room.” Harry states after they pulled out of the parking lot. He felt like he should say it and Louis is supposed to know how he feels about everything afterall.

“So do I.” Louis kept his eyes in front of him when he spoke. “But that doesn’t mean you should lock yourself in there all day.” He paused to go through the songs on the album and Harry figures that he must like music.

“I don’t.” Harry frowns and turns to look out the window. “I go to school and the coffee shop and sometimes I take a walk.” He absentmindedly presses his finger against the side of the window to see how cold it would be outside.

“But you need human interaction. Even if you’re an introvert or whatever that’s called.” Louis’ voice lowers for a second before continuing. “It’s not healthy to always be alone.”

“I like being alone.” Harry whispers because he doesn’t want a lesson on his life right now.

“No you don’t.” Louis responded automatically, like he was waiting for him to say that.

Harry let out a small choked out sound and he doesn’t know if he wants to cry or if he wants to scream; so he does nothing. He’s angry he thinks. Maybe that’s what he’s feeling. But he’s felt anger before and this isn’t it and he’s just so confused.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be friends with me.” Harry chokes the episode back down his throat because he sure as hell doesn’t want it to come up. It goes quiet and Louis doesn’t answer his question for a while. Harry looked at Louis from the corner of his eye. He didn’t want him to see his face because he was pretty sure it was red.

“It’s not written in the universe.” Louis responds finally and Harry thinks that’s a stupid answer.

“Nothing is written in the universe.” Harry states and it’s quiet again. 

“Then I guess there is nothing saying we can’t.”

“Oh.” Harry breathes because he wants to be right about something. “Okay.”

“But if you don’t want to be friends you can stop seeing me. It’s up to you-”

“No.” Harry’s head whips to the side faster than he should have made it. Louis turns his head to look over at him with a confused expression on his face and Harry wants to stab himself for the second time that day.

“Alright.” Louis responds smoothly and Harry blesses the gods that he didn’t continue with the subject. “What kind of music do you like?” He says instead.

“I don’t know.” Harry shrugs. “Everything I guess.”

“Me too. Except country.”

“Oh.” And he should have said something else but the conversation died and Louis reached over to turn the music up. 

_

“I’ve been waiting for like eight weeks.” Louis whines in the back of his throat and covers his face with his hands. “Can’t you call them or something?” He turns around to glance at Harry before continuing his conversation. 

“Sorry Louis I can’t do anything about it until the package comes in.” The man behind the desks replies. Harry’s hair is covering his face as he scrolls through his text messages from his Mum. He isn’t answering them, he just doesn’t know what else to do and he was just standing there listening to their conversation.

“Paul.” Louis hisses through his teeth. 

“It should be in by the end of the week.” Paul, responds with a tight nod and Louis is groaning in a childish manner. Harry wants to ask what they are talking about but he won’t.

“You said that last week.” He paces back and forth twice before turning back to Paul.

“How about you stop coming by and we can have them deliver the package to you?” Paul says with a raise of his eyebrow and Louis groans again.

“Alright.” Louis’ lips purse and he nods once. “Yeah that would be lovely.” He smiles slightly and Paul gives him a sympathetic smile.

“He’s been waiting for a couple months now.” Paul speaks and Harry realises he’s talking to him so he looks up.

“Oh.” He says plainly. He doesn’t know what they’re talking about. 

-

“My sister was supposed to send me a package.” Louis says when they’re back in the car. Harry was tapping against the window with his pointer finger, watching his breath ghost against the window. 

“Oh.” He doesn’t know what to say.

“Yeah, it’s-” Louis is shrugging. “Whatever. It’s whatever.” He sighs and leans back against the driver's seat. Harry turned his head to look at Louis. The older boy tilted his head against the seat and smiled at Harry, messing up his hair in the process. Harry wonders if Louis gels it in the morning when he has work. A few times he’s seen him with his hair down; not that he has a lot or anything.

“Do people make you mix tapes.” Harry ducks his head around and taps at the tapes hanging up. Louis nods and reaches up to start the car again. Harry runs his finger nails up and down his leg in a scraping motion. Louis glances down and doesn’t say anything like he usually would.

“I like them.” The older boy says simply.

“Cool.” Dumb.

“Want to go to the park?” Louis changes the subject. Harry watches Louis’ hands run up and down the steering wheel, almost like he’s warming it up.

“It’s cold.” 

“You have a sweatshirt on.” Louis pokes Harry’s arm and Harry pulls it into his side with a sharp intake of breath and turns his head towards the window. “Sorry.” Louis says under his breath and Harry gives a small nod and his throat starts to burn.

“Let’s go.” Harry whispers and Louis responds by starting the car.

-

Harry thinks that Louis should have said something. He was always trying to help him with his problems. But Louis had caused this and Harry hadn’t said anything since they were at the post office.

They were the only two at the park and it was cold. They were sitting on the swings and Louis was tilting his foot back and forth slightly while he scrolled through his phone. Harry hung his head down and kept still because he was thinking. Maybe Louis was mad at him. 

He had told Harry to breathe the other night and asked him if he was going to be alright. Maybe hurting himself was part of that. He didn’t know, but Louis’ face was pressed into a thin line and his cheeks were pink from the cold.

“It’s really cold.” Harry says something for the first time in an hour and it comes out broken. His mind screamed at him not to cry. Not in front of Louis. 

The older boy looks over at him slowly with parted lips. “Do you want to go?” He asks and Harry just knows he’s bored. He could be at home with his cat or his girlfriend. If he had one.

“No.” God he’s going to cry. Harry shuts his eyes and lets the cold get sucked sharply through his airways and he hears a gasp; shortly realising it came from himself. Nononononono he couldn’t cry in front of Louis. He buried his face into his own sleeve and covered his eyes. This was all his fault. He shouldn’t have gone with Louis and he shouldn’t have let him touch his arm. He wasn’t being careful and-

"Harry?" Louis' voice was in front of him and ugh. He felt an extremely light touch on his shoulder and almost fell off of the swing trying to lean away from it. Another sob echoed through the park and he wanted Louis to go away.

“No.” He whispered as he caved slowly in on himself. Nononononono.

“Talk to me.” Louis’ voice was so soft and Harry could almost feel the angry remark coming up out of his throat and he tried to stop it. But he always messed up and he didn’t know how he would be able to get away with this just because it was Louis Tomlinson. It didn’t change the way he was going to act.

“Please.” It was a pathetic whimper and then Louis’ hand was traveling down, down, down. “Stop it!” Harry whipped his head up and looked him in the eyes because what the fuck was he even thinking. “What are you doing?” His voice cracked noticeably and he guessed he looked like a mess. Nothing new. Just something he didn’t want Louis to see.

“I need to see.” Louis looked so sad; almost like he cared for Harry that much. Harry felt his face scrunch up in disgust and he folded his arms under himself and it was an awkward position but it couldn’t really get any worse.

“Why?” And Louis was stepping closer and gripping Harry’s arm and what was happening. 

“It’s part of my job Harry. You’re my patient and if you harmed yourself you need to show me.” Louis’ face was soft but he was tightly gripping Harry’s wrist and pulling it to his chest. Harry was openly sobbing now because the whole situation felt open and he didn’t really know what Louis was doing but he wanted to go curl up in his bed and die. It was quiet for a moment and Harry tried to yank his arm back but Louis held his wrist firmly, so Harry went for curling his fist into Louis’ sweater to express his anger. 

Louis was staring at Harry, almost like he was waiting for him to do something. Harry could feel the tears dripping off of his cheeks and he could feel Louis’ eyes burning into his skin, but he was staring at the tight hold and why wouldn’t Louis let go of him.

“It’s disgusting.” Harry didn’t mean to spit it out but he did and he couldn’t take it back now. “I’m disgusting.” He closed his eyes for a few seconds and clenched Louis’ sweater tighter in his fists.

“Show me.” Louis ran his thumb under the sleeve of Harry’s sweatshirt. He could feel it. They were there. They were all over his arm to be honest. He never said anything. Louis always asked if he had harmed himself and Harry had said ‘twice’ maybe three times. He couldn’t remember.

And then Louis was rolling up his sleeve and fuck. Harry was choking on small sobs that he couldn’t hold back and his body was shaking. Louis just stared and Harry wondered what he was thinking. He was probably disappointed. That was the last thing Harry wanted to think about right now.

“I’m so sorry.” Harry used his free arm to wipe his eyes and cheeks. Louis ran his thumb over the first few on his wrist and Harry flinched at it.

“Haz.” Louis exhaled and then took a deep breath before slowly pulling back down his sweatshirt sleeve. Harry kinda let it fall down onto his lap and he looked down again. Louis had said Haz and ugh. “What’s on the other arm?” 

“Ugh.” Harry felt so confronted. Louis was supposed to be helping him with his problems, not making him feel worse about them. “Same- thing.” He wiped at his eyes and tried to suck in a solid breath but it didn’t work.

“Hey.” Louis spoke quietly and Harry had to look back up again. The older man had his arms halfway open and maybe that was an invitation for a hug, Harry didn’t know, but he took it as one and got up on stumbly feet before taking two steps and falling into his embrace.

His whole body started shaking after a minute and he grabbed at the back of Louis’ sweatshirt tightly. Louis hugged back just as tight and Harry wanted to pull away but he didn’t. 

“I lied to you.” Harry was sobbing into Louis’ neck and Louis was practically supporting all of Harry’s body weight, but the younger boy couldn’t hold himself up. “I shouldn’t have-”

“You’re okay.” Louis made a small hushing sound at the back of his throat. “You’re going to be alright. I’m not mad or anything.” He spoke rubbing small circles at the base of Harry’s back. “I need you to trust me though.” His voice grew softer and Harry was nodding against him because he couldn’t do anything else.

“I- I- I-” Harry choked on his words and he couldn’t stop crying; god he couldn’t stop fucking crying. Louis waited for him to gain his voice back and didn’t say anything. “I feel so weird.” He sucked in the words instead of letting them out and almost coughed against Louis’ neck. “I’ve never talked to anyone about myself. It feels really weird- I don’t know.” His voice sounded high and he pressed his eyes against Louis’ shoulder.

“We’re gonna work on it.” Louis squeezed his body and Harry still didn’t feel right.

“I wish- you didn’t see.” Harry pulled back slowly and wiped his eyes with his sweatshirt sleeves again. He had just broken down in front of someone and he felt like shit to be honest. What made it worse was that it was Louis.

“Trust me.” Louis repeated himself again and Harry was nodding and taking a shuddery breath.

“Okay.”

“I’ll take you home alright.” Louis took a step back and smiled a bit but his eyes were glazed over and Harry wondered if he was about to cry.

-

“It’s hard for me to talk to people ya know?” Harry was still crying when they were parked in front of Harry’s flat. Louis was leaning back in his seat with his head tilted toward Harry. “Like my Mum doesn’t understand.” Tears were slowly coming down his face but he had gotten his breathing under control. “Nobody understands. Something is wrong with me and I keep trying to fix it. I can’t- I just- I don’t understand myself.” His voice was low and he didn’t know why Louis was listening to him talk but he always did.

“Nothings wrong with you.” Louis spoke softly but Harry was looking straight ahead of him. “Everyone has problems, some people are just better at hiding it.”

“But mine are overwhelming.” The last part came out of his mouth in a whine and he bit his lip harder than he should have. This whole conversation was weird but he had started it. “And I don’t understand life, like why should I be here? What am I supposed to do?” He brought his hands up again to wipe his face.

Louis was quiet for a moment and Harry looked over at him slowly. Louis’ lips were parted and frowned slightly. As soon as their eyes met Harry tore the gaze away again and looked back in front of him. 

“I want to die.” He knew what Louis’ expression was and he imagined when he had called him the other night and said the exact same thing. Except this time he wasn’t sobbing and an odd sense of numbness washed over him.

“I don’t want you too.” Louis’ voice was so soft and Harry wondered if it were an object, if it could break. “You’re Mum has trouble understanding you. If you have trouble thinking about it just imagine how she feels.”

“She is never home for me.” Harry leaned back against the seat and turned to look out the window. “She isn’t home now.”

“She’s working for-”

“For me.” Harry sucked in a breath because he never interrupted people and he was really pushing his limits today alone. “I get it. She cares but I wish she was there.” He shook his head slightly. “My life sucks.” A small laughed escaped his lips and he didn’t even try to hold it in. Louis didn’t answer and it was quiet again. He watched as two drops fell on the window and he wondered if it was about to rain. 

“Harry.” Louis said sternly and Harry turned his head to look at him. He sat up in his seat and leaned slightly towards him. Harry sat still and held his breath. “I want you to call me if you ever want to do anything bad.” 

“I can’t.” Harry spoke honestly.

“Okay.” Louis sighed and Harry wasn’t expecting him to accept that as an answer. “Just, think of everyone who cares about you whenever you want to die or cut or anything.”

“You and my Mum?” Harry thought it was pathetic really and Louis must have thought it too. He just knew he was.

“It’s more than nothing.” Louis smiled but it was forced, so Harry didn’t smile back.

“Does smoking count?” Harry asked the first thing on his mind since he was trying to speak it.

“Yes.”

“That’s what I’m going to do as soon as I get inside.” He shrugged his shoulders and a sideways smile caught on his face. 

“Look at me.” Louis said again and Harry did. Louis’ eyes looked determined and Harry felt like a let down suddenly. “You had a mental breakdown today.” He spoke slowly but with meaning and Harry had never heard him speak like this. “Go over the words in your head.” And so Harry did and he knew what it meant. He didn’t need to think about it. “It’s normal and I’m pretty damn sure it’s happened to everyone at some point in their life. But you can’t let it get to you.”

And Harry wanted to talk about how it was Louis who was getting to him but he wasn’t going to speak of it. If anything was going to make it worse it was going to be that.

“I should call the fucking mental hospital for fucks sakes.” Louis’ bottom lip caught between his teeth and Harry had to tear his eyes away from it. A pit in the bottom of his stomach opened up at those words and his lips parted to say something but Louis kept talking. “But you’re seventeen and I don’t think you’re going to die. I trust you.”

“But I lied to you.” Harry shook his head.

“I trust you.” Louis’ eyes glazed over again and he reached up to wipe at one of his eyes. Harry’s lips parted at that because Louis wasn’t supposed to care. Nobody was and yet here was Louis Tomlinson with his fucking cat and mix tapes and whining over packages in the mail and coffee and laughing and perfection and fuck.

“I don’t trust myself.” Harry closed his eyes because Louis’ gaze was so focused and that was something he would never be able to do. Silence again. Harry kept his eyes closed and leaned back against the seat for a few more minutes until the rain started to drizzle down onto the windows making small sputtering sounds.

“Want me to walk you to your door?” Louis interrupted the quiet. Harry wanted to say no and crawl into Louis’ arms forever, but he shook his head and opened the passenger door to get out. Louis watched him carefully and Harry halfway closed the door before looking up at him.

“Thanks.” It wasn’t meaningful or anything but Louis smiled at him slightly and Harry saw the naturalness of it in his eyes.

“I’ll see you Tuesday?” Louis raised his eyebrows at him and Harry nodded before closing the door and walking into his apartment without looking back.

The first thing Harry did when he locked the door was go upstairs and put a cigarette in his mouth. He searched for his lighter and when he couldn’t find it he went into his Mum’s room and took hers.

The next thing he did was sit on the edge of his bed and smoke to try and calm himself. His fingers were shaking on his knees and he tried not to scratch at them. The more he thought about everything the more nervous he felt. He wasn’t supposed to be smoking in the house. He wasn’t supposed to be smoking at all.

Ten minutes later Harry went to lay down on the floor of his bedroom and stare up at the ceiling for a good hour and a half before having another cigarette. He could do this. No cutting. 

Harry sat down in the middle of his bed and flipped open his laptop he barely opened. He didn’t know what he was doing but he was going to finish it when he typed in on his itunes playlist ‘Louis’ Mixtape’.

-

“Hey Harry.” The voice was so mocking and people were laughing behind him. He needed to keep his face forward and not focus on them. He could do this and he would see Louis today and feel at least a little better about himself.

“I’m talking to you.” Something hit the back of his head and Harry finally turned around to see Zayn staring at him with expectant eyes. Liam and a few other people Harry didn’t know were staring at him too. The only reason Harry knew who Liam Payne was because he worked with him on a project a couple years back and also because he was best friends with Zayn Malik and Zayn Malik was always picking on him for god knows why.

“What?” Harry spoke quietly and Zayn’s eyebrows raised at him for a moment.

“Meet me in the bathroom after school or I’ll beat your ass Styles.” Zayn smirked at him and Harry felt his stomach fall off before turning around and staring at the board. Sometimes he felt like he was in one of those bullying ads for television except his was never aired. He just needed to act for it.

-

“Harry, Harry, Harry. Poor little Harry.” Zayn’s head was tilted to the side in Harry’s view and he was leaning over his smaller frame with a frown on his face. Harry was trying to catch his breath and even though he knew what was coming he still couldn’t take it. He was lying on the floor of the boys bathroom and he couldn’t remember exactly how he got there because his head was spinning and pounding and he was dizzy and there were two Zayn’s on top of him.

“Zayn.” He stuttered it out and closed his eyes before he was being dragged off the ground by his sweatshirt collar and pushed up against one of the stall walls. Liam was standing in the corner of the bathroom staring down at his cell phone. He never did anything bad to Harry but he didn’t make a great big deal to stop anything either. 

“Hey.” Something slapped across his face and Harry blinked a couple times. Harry used to think he could grow taller when he was older but now it was probably never going to happen. Zayn pinched Harry’s nose and covered his mouth with his hand before pressing his head against the stall. 

Harry closed his eyes and thought about Louis. He wondered what he would do in this situation but he had probably never been treated like this. He probably never deserved it. Harry wasn’t going to tell him about this. There was nothing to discuss. Right when Harry felt like he was about to slip into unconsciousness, Liam looked up from his phone and frowned.

“I don’t want to get charged for murder jesus fuck mate let him breath.” He rolled his eyes and turned the other way towards the door.

Zayn’s hands moved from his face to his neck and his body was suddenly sandwiching him to the wall. “Trying to teach him a little self dense Li.” Zayn said it under his breath and only Harry could hear it. “Still pathetic.” He hissed before letting go and backing off the wall.

Harry instantly dropped down to his knees and started coughing. Zayn watched him for a few seconds before turning around and walking out of the bathroom without a second glance. Liam stood still for a few seconds before turning around and walking towards Harry. The younger boy flinched and tried to get up on his feet because he really didn’t want anyone to kick him. He’d had enough really.

“Harry you’re good.” Liam’s voice was monotone and he was still looking at his phone. Harry paused and sunk back down on his knees. His eyes looked at Liam’s feet because the other boy wasn’t looking at him either. “I want you to come with me to a small get together, alright?” 

“What?” Harry couldn’t process anything right now. He just remembers hitting his head really hard.

“Listen, I don’t really like wasting my time watching Zayn beat you up and I don’t mean this in a mean way, but it’s boring sometimes.” He clicked his phone off and slipped it into his pocket. “You’re actually a pretty cool lad and all and maybe you and Zayn could be friends or at least he could stop hating you or whatever.” Liam rolled his eyes and looked behind him for a couple of seconds.

“What?” Harry asked again but Liam didn’t explain.

“I’ll pick you up on tomorrow. There will only be like eight people there so you’ll be good.” Liam patted Harry once on the shoulder firmly and started walking towards the door. “Oh and-” Liam turned around right as he was about to walk out. “Still live in the same house?” 

“Yeah.” Harry nodded once and the pounding on his head returned. Liam didn’t answer; instead walking out of the bathroom, leaving Harry all alone. He got up and went over to the sink. He looked into the mirror to see blood running from his nose all the way down his shirt. “Shit.” He leaned his chin up and blood ran over his lips down his chin. 

He had to go see Louis in an hour.

-

“Who did this to you?” Louis’ eyes were in slits and he was touching the side of Harry’s nose to see if it was broken.

“I tripped.” He said quietly. “Down the stairs after school. M’clumsy.”

“Did the stairs slap you in the face?” Louis dabbed something against the side of his cheek and Harry hissed away from it. “Who did it?”

“Lou.” Harry whined in the back of his throat and closed his eyes because Louis looked so sad and disappointed and Harry had really made an effort over the last couple of days and he didn’t want to talk about this.

“Was it Zayn again?” Louis wiped the underneath of Harry’s nose and the younger boy pulled away again without a sound. “Harry.” Louis said softly and gently took Harry’s chin to hold him in place. “You need to change your clothes when you get home.” 

“I will.” Harry spoke against the side of Louis’ hand and it was awkward. Louis’ hair was in a beanie today and sticking out from one side to another. Harry counted the hairs on his head for a minute and then looked over at all the first aid things Louis had laid out.

“So, Zayn.” Louis frowned. “Zayn who?”

“No.” Harry attempted to shake his head but Louis held his chin again. 

“He slapped you hard here.” Louis pointed out by tracing part of it with one of his fingers and Harry could feel the burn against his skin. “And your nose is bleeding but it’s not broken.” Louis took another cotton ball and rubbed it under his nose.

“I think I have a concussion too.” Harry was clawing at the insides of his palms because Louis was so close and breathing on his face and worrying about him.

“I’m calling your school.” Louis’ frown was etched in on his face and Harry didn’t think it was the best suit for him.

“No!” Harry whined. “No. No. Please I promise I can handle it.” He finished off his sentence by tilting his head up for Louis before he had to do it for him.

“This isn’t how handling works.” 

“I’m gonna work it out.” He tried to raise his voice to sound more confident about his answer.

Louis stopped what he was doing for a moment to stare at him. Harry stared back but then he blinked and started thinking about blinking and started doing it twice every three seconds. “Alright.” Louis sighed and wiped the underneath of his nose again. “But if he ever hurts you again. Even one more time.” Louis looked unsure of himself and Harry kinda wanted to touch his face. “I’m calling.”

“Thank you.” He didn’t say anything else after that.

-

“What the hell is he doing here?” Zayn was frowning at the both of them but mostly at Harry. ‘Eight people’ was more like what seemed to be eight hundred and people were bumping into his shoulders at every angle and he could feel the sweat and heat of everyone and it was loud.

Liam looked over at Harry for a moment and then back to Zayn. “I just invited him. Mate, you guys need to get along.” Just as he was finishing his sentence someone bumped into Harry from behind and he pushed straight into Zayn.

Harry was extremely uncomfortable and that was an understatement. His nerves were blasting at him and he thought he could puke. He had never been so claustrophobic in his life. Zayn’s body went stiff and Harry instantly pulled himself back with a small ‘sorry’ that wasn’t heard over the music.

“Get along tonight please.” Liam was yelling over the music with a small smile on his face. Zayn looked back at him with blown eyes and he looked a little drunk but Harry didn’t know what that looked like.

“This is a shit idea Liam.” Zayn yelled before taking Harry’s arm in a tight grip and yanking him into the crowd. Harry stumbled along and followed because he wasn’t going to leave. Even if he was he didn’t think he would be able to find his way out of the house.

Zayn took him into what Harry thought was the kitchen and left him at the counter of an island. Harry watched him open the fridge door across the room and take something out of it before going to the counter and pouring two drinks. Harry looked around the room for a moment and took note that everyone looked under the influence of something. 

“Here.” Zayn was thrusting a drink into his hand and Harry looked down at the red solo cup without touching it. “Drink it.” Zayn hissed and brought his up to his lips. Harry didn’t look at him but nodded and brought the cup up to his face. He tilted it and felt the cool liquid stream down into his throat. It was sour tasting going down and he wondered what it was. But if it was going to make his thoughts hazy he was okay with it.

“Thanks.” Harry wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and then rubbed it on the back of his shirt. Zayn’s lips spread into a small smile and he looked at Harry up and down. Harry smiled back slightly.

“You have a good night alright.” Zayn patted his shoulder and gave a small nod before walking past him and into the crowd. Harry stared straight ahead and thought about where he was going for a moment before taking another sip of his drink. 

This wasn’t a party Harry should ever be invited too. At least that’s what he thought as he stumbled through the crowd of people trying to find his way out. He wasn’t really thinking about anything except for getting out of here.

He made his way to the back of a screen door and gulped down the rest of his drink before dropping it to the ground and pressing his body against the screen. He stared out of the window and saw a lesser amount of people sitting on the ground in small circles and resting their feet in the pool.

“Need some help there?” A person tapped him on the shoulder and Harry turned his face slower than he was trying to.

“Niall?” He blinked a couple of times and why was everything slowing down? The blond nodded and frowned at him slightly. “You go to the coffee shop.” Harry stated and he didn’t know why he was saying it but he was and it felt like it needed to be said. He had only had one drink and this shouldn’t be happening.

“Oh, yeah.” Niall nodded at him before smiling. “You’re that kid.” He took a step closer and Harry almost stepped away but then Niall was sliding the door for him and Harry looked outside instead.

Harry didn’t think badly about why Niall called him kid. He was thinking about Louis and suddenly an overwhelming feeling was rushing over him as he stepped down the two steps to the outside. A cool breeze washed over him and a small smile played on his lips. 

He slowly walked over to the pool and stopped when he was right in-front of water. He bent down on shaking legs and leaned over the shining blue. Lights illuminated the insides and Harry was fascinated really.

The water looked like jello and Harry almost gasped when he felt the cool liquid on his finger tips. A girl next to him looked over at him for a moment before looking away and continuing to talk. Something in his mind was registering that something was wrong but the thought quickly vanished and he stood up. 

He stumbled a few feet and collapsed on the grass under his feet. He placed his fingers on the ground and did fingers usually spin? Harry didn’t care because it was cool. He leaned onto his arms and they gave out. His cheek rubbed against the ground and he slid down onto his stomach before flipping his arms out and rubbing them against the grass.

“Louis.” He whimpered softly. Was Louis here? He didn’t know. The ground was so comfortable though and he could fall asleep here. His eyes were growing so heavy and Harry couldn’t remember how much he drank. He also couldn’t remember how he got his phone pressed against his mouth and on speaker because it was still pretty loud.

“Hello?” The voice said and Harry couldn’t remember dialing his number but he apparently did.

“Will you come get me?” Harry whined into the phone but it was weak. “I can’t stand up on my-” He paused and closed his eyes.

“Harry?” Louis questioned and Harry blinked his eyes open again because was Louis here with him? “Where are you?” Louis said again and Harry looked down at the phone laying on the ground next to his face. 

“Don’t know.” Harry spoke honestly but then thought about it for what seemed to be a few moments. “At a party with all my friends.” His voice slurred at the end and he closed his eyes again. “If I had friends. I don’t have friends.” He mumbled to himself.

“I’ll come get you alright?” And the line clicked and Harry looked at the screen door to the house. He didn’t remember telling Louis where he was. Did he? The world was sideways to him and maybe he was laying on the grass and maybe he was floating. What was going on?

“Stop.” Harry whispered to himself and then let out a small laugh because that was stupid. He was talking to himself now and people shouldn’t do that out loud. Nobody was paying attention to him though. Just walking around him and sparing him glances, probably thinking he was another wasted kid at a party.

But he only had one drink. One drink. Harry went over the words in his mind and then thought about what he had drank. He didn’t know. It was sour tasting but it was good and didn’t feel too strong. Harry didn’t even know if it was alcohol for fucks sake.

“M’ so tired.” He pulled his arms to his chest and his hood over his head with great effort. Where was he again? And maybe someone was touching him and maybe he was touching himself but that was a stupid thought. 

The world suddenly started to spin and Harry’s eyes widened in fear. Oh god now the world was ending and he was the only person who knew. After two more seconds he realised that the world was not spinning and someone was lifting him off the ground. He wanted to lay back down on the grass. And then Louis Tomlinson was there. Louis.

“Hi.” Harry slurred and took one step before crashing into the older boys chest. He didn’t fall back onto the ground; instead being lifted up and then his feet were off the ground and what and oh. Louis was carrying him and Harry limply let his arms hang down over his neck.

He tried to tell Louis thank you but it came out in a small whine and he couldn’t really feel his voice. His voice was weird. Sound was weird. What was sound? Harry wanted Louis to stop carrying him because it was shaking his head and his head hurt. 

His body was suddenly dropped into something and he felt like he was falling from a great height. He grasped and grabbed at Louis again but his arms fell weakly at his sides. He was in a car. Louis’ car. His gaze went around once before looking at Louis who was staring at him.

“M’ tired Lou.” He let out a long sigh, closing his eyes and thinking about Louis.

“Did you get roofied?” Louis spoke in the distance. Harry couldn’t really concentrate on anything but the passenger door closing and the car starting.

Harry fell asleep in the car and didn’t wake up until Louis was picking him up again and he was startled awake. Louis’ face was blank when he tried to get Harry out of the car. Suddenly Harry felt an odd sense of paranoia take over his body and he weakly pressed his hand on Louis’ chest to push him away.

“Don’t hurt me.” Harry whined in the back of his throat. Louis looked down at him with a weird look on his face and Harry let go of his neck again to push on his chest. 

“I’m not going to hurt you Harry.” Louis spoke quietly as they entered an elevator and Harry’s eyes widened in fear because he had never been here before. The doors shut and Louis easily held his legs up without letting him fall over. Harry felt his eyes water as he tried to punch him in the chest. His fists let loose and he pressed his palms against Louis’ ribs. His breathing was hard because that was a lot of work for him and he didn’t know why.

“I wanna go home.” Harry was trying to ask where they were but that came out instead and he wanted to cry but he couldn’t; it was too much work. 

“We’re going to go to my flat.” Louis whispered as the elevator door opened and they exited. The hallway seemed endless and Harry slumped back into Louis’ grip defeatingly.

Louis opened the door with great effort and a small beeping sound went off before Harry was yelping and kicking at the air. Where was he? Where was Louis. Oh wait. He was so weak and tired and he wanted to go home and be put to bed.

“Calm down. Calm down.” Louis was speaking but Harry was breathing heavily and pushing against him. He needed to stop moving. “I’m going to put you down.” Was all he heard before he was plopped on a couch and falling onto his back. He shut his eyes but then Louis was touching his forehead and he opened them again.

“Hi.” He whispered but Louis didn’t answer him. 

“You’re overheating.” Louis wiped Harry’s sweat off his face and them put his hands under his sweatshirt and oh god.

“Wait!” Harry tried to scream but it came out weak and he couldn’t move and when he tried to lift his arms they fell back down. “No.” He whined as Louis lifted it up and tried to get it over his head. Harry tucked his arms in but Louis easily moved them and then his sweatshirt was off and Harry was shirtless.

“You’re good.” Louis said and Harry realised that he was in a panic state. He needed to calm down but he couldn’t tell what was happening and it was scary. He looked down at his bare arms and let out another whine. Louis rubbed his fingers on Harry’s cheek and sighed once before standing up. Harry watched him for a moment and closed his eyes. He was so tired.

-

The first time Harry woke up the ceiling was spinning and he didn’t know who he was. All he knew is that it was dark out and he needed a glass of water, or something like that. He pushed a small blanket off his body and rolled onto the floor.

A pushing feeling hit the inside of his head and Harry had never felt such a horrible physical feeling in his life. A loud whine came out of his mouth as he rested his knees on the ground with his head hidden. He didn’t know why the room was spinning or why he couldn’t grasp who he was. It was right there yet he couldn’t remember.

“Harry?” Someone was patting his shoulder and Harry wondered if he was talking to him. His brain was moving, he was sure of it. He tried to lift his head but his arms gave out underneath him and he slumped against the floor. Another thought of why he could barely move went through his head. Had he always been like this?

His body was pulled up and Harry’s head lolled to the side in a weak attempt to turn around and see who was looking at him. His head landed on someones shoulder and he didn’t know he was shaking until a hand was pressed against his forehead. He couldn’t stop and then someone was whispering in his ear but he couldn’t pay attention to it.

The last thing that passed through his mind before he passed out again, was Louis holding his hand.

-

The second time Harry woke up the ceiling wasn’t shaking anymore but his head was still pounding and he could barely move. He knew who he was but couldn’t really remember what had happened earlier. He slowly turned his head to the left and saw that it was still dark out. He was in a bed, maybe.

He turned his head to the right with a great amount of effort and had to squint at who was lying down next to him. He brought his arms out from under the sheets and poked the person on the nose because honestly, he was just doing whatever came to his mind.

The persons eyes blinked open and Harry’s eyes widened at him. It was Louis. Who was Louis? Harry squinted at him and Louis’ eyes went cross eyed at his finger. He reached his hand up and grasped Harry’s finger before putting back by Harry. 

“You alright?” Louis’ voice was soft and Harry was trying to hold onto his words, but it was hard. He opened his mouth but it fell back shut and his eyes blinked slowly before he barely managed a nod.

“M’ uh.” Harry blinked again and tried to keep his eyes open. He forgot what he was going to say and what the question was so he just stared again. Louis suddenly sat up and looked the other way. Harry frowned and tried to sit up too, but he still couldn’t move.

“It’s four in the morning. Go back to sleep alright.” Louis turned back around and flopped back down onto the pillow with his eyes closed. Harry was still frowning and couldn’t keep track of what was going on through his own head.

“Why are you in bed?” Harry’s speech was slurred to the fullest and he had to blink between the words. “Bed, with me.” He tried to piece together the syllables but it wasn’t working very well. “You are in the bed me. Yep.” He settled for that and Louis’ eyes blinked back open. 

“You were spazzing out.” He muttered again before his eyes slipped back shut. Harry thought that was a great idea.

-

The third time Harry woke up the ceiling was covered in sunlight and he had to puke. His first instinct was to get up and go to the bathroom, but that thought was quickly replaced with a pounding headache and shaking feet. 

He stumbled out of the bed and shakily made his way to what he assumed was the bathroom; not giving any second thought about whose house he was in. He instantly dropped down onto his knees and leaned over the toilet. He didn’t know what happened or why he was puking, but the last thing he remembered was talking to Niall and his body feeling heavy.

Ten minutes later Harry was curled up in a fetal position next to the toilet with his bare arms covering his face. He didn’t remember coming to this house and maybe he was about to be murdered. He could care less about that and more about the horrible headache and nausea he was feeling at the moment.

It wasn’t until something was brushing against his face, did he jolt away from his thoughts. His heart was thumping in his chest but calmed down as soon as he realized it was a cat. 

A cat.

“What?” He spoke to it as if it could understand him. The cat was fluffy and Harry was so fucking confused, what was going on right now?

He didn’t expect the cat to talk back but it wouldn’t really surprise him if it did. He hesitantly sat up on the cool tile floor and leant his back against the wall with a deep breath. The cat spun in a circle and that’s when something clicked in Harry’s head. Who else would have a cat.

Maybe- maybe he was at Louis Tomlinson’s house. Harry pressed shaking hands against his eye sockets and pressed hard. This was probably a dream. It had to be. Or he was in some psycho rapist’s house that just so happened to own a cat.

He had to force himself to stand up and walk out of the bathroom when he was almost sure he wasn’t going to puke again for a while. He was also dizzy and one of the thoughts that went through his head was how stupid he was for going to that party last night.

When he walked out of the bedroom he was met with the tiniest hallway and he instantly registered the place as an apartment. He walked a few more steps and there was Louis Tomlinson himself, pouring tea and all. 

Their eyes locked and Harry had to blink twice because what the actually fuck was happening right now? Louis’ face was blank and Harry wanted to know what happened last night but nothing was coming from his mouth. The fact that he wasn’t wearing a shirt and his arms were out and open wasn’t helping his mind from processing everything. 

“How are you?” Louis spoke first and Harry couldn’t breathe. He needed to take a breath. He was going to pass out again and that was the last thing he wanted to do right now.

“What happened?” Harry didn’t answer but asked that instead. “Am I dreaming right now.” His eyes wandered down to his feet and then back up again. Louis’ lips were parted and his hand was tightly clutching the coffee cup.

“You called me last night.” Louis gulped and Harry watched his adams apple bob in his throat almost like he was scared or something. “I made you tea.”

-

Harry had to be told almost ten times that he needed to drink the tea even if he was going to puke it up again. (Which he was 100% sure he was) He was also handed another cup as soon as he had finished that one off. 

“I think someone roofied you.” Louis’ voice was quiet and red flashing signs went off in Harry’s brain. There was a cat on Harry’s lap and he was petting the middle of it’s body weakly. “I went to pick you up after you called me and brought you back here because your Mum wasn’t home to let me in.”

“There is a spare key under the mat.” Harry muttered and Louis’ eyebrows caved inwards. Harry took another painful sip of tea and set it down next to him. They were on the couch and Harry was leaning back on one of the pillows to support himself from falling over. He felt really sick.

“Well I didn’t know that.” Louis’ voice was so soft and Harry’s wasn’t and even in this situation he was thinking about this and ugh. “I called your Mum by the way.” Louis added and Harry’s eyes widened.

“What did you say?” His voice lowered and he looked down at the fluffy cat.

“That I tried to take you home but the door was locked.” He shrugged and Louis looked small in the sweater he was wearing. Harry still wasn’t wearing a shirt because it was fucking hot and this was Louis. He didn’t need to worry about that, right?

“Oh.” Harry breathed out.

“So do you remember who did it or?” Louis asked quietly and that made Harry look back up at him, because he did remember who did and hadn’t really thought about it until now.

“Um.” Harry blinked a couple of times and his lips parted and Louis must have just, known because a frown was suddenly on his face and he looked so… angry.

“Zayn did this didn’t he?” Louis eyes widened and Harry just stared at him. The older boy suddenly got up and stomped into the kitchen. “I’m calling the school.”

“Louis!” Harry was panicking because that is the last thing he could want at the moment. His head released a wave of pain as soon as he screamed and his eyes widened at the sudden nausea. Louis stopped and looked back up at the younger boy. “You said if he hurt me and he didn’t. He didn’t hurt me. He didn’t touch me.” Harry was throwing things out there now because he really, really didn’t want Louis to call his school.

“He didn’t hurt you?” Louis’ eyebrows raised in humor and Harry almost felt pathetic for a few moments. “Last time I checked drugging somebody was illegal.” 

“But it wasn’t that bad.” Harry voice was a weak whisper that Louis barely caught on to.

“He fucking roofied you for fucks sakes Harold!” Louis screamed at him and Harry’s eyes widened and his body stilled. The cat jumped off his lap and ran back into the bedroom. They stared at each other for a few seconds and Harry kind of wanted to leave and not stay around for anything else but then Louis was running a hand through his hair and taking a deep breath.

“God I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be yelling at you.” Louis pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned over the counter in his tiny kitchen. Harry just looked back down at his fingers and he suddenly had a large urge to put sleeves on. “I’m just really worried about you and I want what’s best for you-” And Harry zoned out because he kind of sounded like his Mum. 

“Calling the school isn’t what’s best.” He tried to swallow the words back down his throat but they were already said and he couldn’t take back words already spoken. “You can’t fix all my problems Louis.” He tried to make his voice firm but it came out broken. 

“Shit.” Louis said after a moment and shook his head down at the counter. He took a deep breath and stood up straight again. “I’ll go get you some pain pills and a glass of water then.” He mumbled before walking into his room.

-

“Is my Mum going to pick me up?” Harry asked later that day when he was sprawled out on the floor with an over-sized blanket and a cat laying on top of him. His body was spread out so that he was watching the television upside down, not that he was paying any attention to it. Because, watching Louis type at his computer all day was much more entertaining than watching America's next top model. 

“If you want her too?” Louis looked over his laptop and Harry closed his eyes. He had puked about three times in the last hour and he wasn’t feeling very good. He hadn’t taken his medication either but he wasn’t complaining. This whole morning he had, had the after effect of Rohypnol though and that wasn’t fun at all.

“Not really.” Harry’s entire thought process was becoming insanely slow since yesterday and it had taken him a while to actually realise what was coming out of his mouth. Most of the day he spent worrying about what his Mum was going to think and what Zayn was going to say to him when he went back to school. He thought about all the missing work he wasn’t going to do and mostly he thought about Louis. 

It was becoming a habit really. Thinking about Louis. 

“Do you want something to eat?” Louis slowly shut his laptop and Harry pulled the covers over his chin. The fact that Louis had seen his arms was probably what Harry had worried about the most throughout the day. Everytime Louis looked up at him he would glance down at the blankets and Harry would close his eyes and pretend to be asleep. 

“No.” Harry started to turn over but the movement made his head shake and he slowed himself. “Can I have some more tea?” He didn’t really want tea. He just wanted Louis to stop looking at him like that.

“Sure.” Louis smiled at him and Harry’s chest caved inwards. “Do you want to play a board game or something?” He reached up and ran a hand through his hair and it was like he was actually trying for Harry. Not in the bad way but like Harry was trying for him and Harry was suddenly feeling warm inside at the look Louis was giving him.

-

“So do you like have a side job or something?” Harry was half asleep and half awake as he moved the chess piece across the board on the floor. Louis was laying down on his stomach across from him with his head leaning against his palm and he was staring at Harry. 

“Not really.” Louis sighed and twiddled his thumbs over the board before moving one of his pieces. This had to have been the fourth game or something but Harry was about to fall asleep. They had both made lame attempts at starting conversation with each other and it wasn’t working out too well. Harry thought that was sorta funny considering Louis was a therapist.

“Just- this.” Harry glanced up at him before pulling the blanket over his head a little more. Louis gave a small nod before both boys were left in silence again. Harry had tried for the first hour to keep his arm hidden under the blanket but then when Louis didn’t say anything he decided Louis didn’t care.

“I only have two patients at the moment.” Louis pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and Harry was momentarily lost in that before snapping his sleepy eyes back up to Louis’. “It’s honestly- I don’t know. The jobs really not for me I don’t think.” He paused. “I shouldn’t be telling you this.” He shook his head and poked at the last chess piece for Harry to move but Harry was over analyzing his previous words with a scowl on his face.

“Do you not like your job?” Harry sat up a bit and Louis raised his eyebrows at him before seeing his facial expression and shaking his head again.

“No Harry don’t worry about it, it has nothing to do with you.” 

“Do you not like-” Harry’s words caught in his throat and he had to stare down at the chess board. He was Louis’ job. 

“No!” Louis hissed before running a hand over his face. “I just feel like I’m doing the wrong thing sometimes.” He sighed before moving Harry’s chest piece for him; seeing that it could only go one way and then proceeding to move his own.

“What do you mean?” Harry watched Louis’ hand move the pieces quietly before Harry jumped in and knocked his king out of the game.

“Don’t worry about it.” Louis said sharply and Harry frowned because that isn’t fair.

“You want me to trust you but you can’t trust me.” Harry didn’t really know what he was saying but it made sense in his head. Louis was his therapist and it wasn’t really his job to tell Harry what he was feeling.

“Oh god.” Louis suddenly let out a big sigh and rested his forehead on the floor. “I trust you. This just isn’t something you want to hear alright and you don’t need to worry about it.” He spoke into the floor and Harry watched the top of his head with his lips parted slightly.

“Okay.” Harry swallowed his saliva and started to set the chess pieces back up before Louis was reaching his hand out and folding the board over. 

“I don’t know about you but I’m done with chess for tonight.” Louis placed the board back in the box and sat up crisscross to collect all the pieces. Harry forced himself to do the same and help because he needed to do something other than stare at him. “Want me to drive you home?” Louis was suddenly staring at him and Harry felt a flush creep up his face because Louis’ eyes were so sincere and fuck. 

“Yeah.” Harry nodded once and slowly started to push himself off the floor. He was still weak. He had been this whole day. The only time he got up was to throw up in the bathroom and Louis even had to help him with that. As soon as he stood up his vision grew blurry and he sat back down on the floor. 

“You okay?” Louis was placing the chess game under the television with the rest of his games and movies that Harry had counted earlier today. Harry gave a small nod before trying to get up again but he fell right on his arse and a whining noise ripped through the back of his throat. “Hey.” Louis turned around and Harry suddenly felt like he was going to puke again. He should have had Louis help him up. He should have-

“I’m going to puke.” He shook his head and leaned forward because he honestly didn’t know if it was a false alarm or not. A hand was suddenly on his bare back rubbing up and down and Harry tried to breathe evenly for even a few seconds.

“Need some help?” Louis’ voice was soft behind him and Harry knew he meant getting to the bathroom. He shook his head again and sucked in a deep breath. It took a minute for him to actually get a word out of his mouth and he needed to be sure that sound was the only thing coming out.

“No.” He whispered. “God that hurt.” He tried to laugh but it came out odd and Harry shut up.

“I’m gonna carry you to the car.” Louis was suddenly in front of Harry and the younger boy looked up with a frown on his face. Carry him?

“What?” Harry's mind froze and his eyes went to his collar bones that must have been sculpted from god himself and what was Harry thinking about again.

“Come on I carried you yesterday.” Louis bent down and helped Harry to his feet. The younger boy shut his mouth but his nerves were buzzing because Louis was suddenly so close to him. Louis’ face was so close to his and Harry held his breath and stared because fuck, he couldn’t help it. Louis didn’t notice and turned around and bent down and oh.

“You want me to get on your back?” Harry’s fingers twitched and he curved his hands into fists. 

“Like a bear.” Louis grinned at him and Harry’s eyes widened. “You’re seventeen come on.” He laughed a bit and Harry didn’t know how Louis found humor in this because it was absolutely terrifying him.

“I-” Was all Harry said before he was putting his hand on Louis’ shoulder and awkwardly trying to get up. Louis didn’t wait long before wrapping his arms around Harry’s legs and hoisting him upwards. Harry let out a small squeak before wrapping his arms around his neck. Then he was suddenly aware of how close his bare arms were to Louis’ face and he unwrapped them and then he almost fell backwards but Louis leaned forward and he re-wrapped his arms around his neck again in a death hold.

“You’re okay.” Louis’ voice was quiet again and Harry closed his eyes because his hands were twitching in fists and there really was no other way to hold onto him. “Calm down I’m not judging you.” Louis spoke again but Harry was still shaking. Maybe it was because he didn’t take his medication but having his arms so close to Louis’ face was giving him anxiety.

“I’m sorry.” Harry said suddenly because he knew Louis was just looking at them. He had to be, they were right in front of his face. “Can you please get my sweatshirt.” He whined in the back of his throat and he sounded pathetic.

“Harry don’t worry about it.” Louis’ voice was warm now and Harry hadn’t realised that he was being carried into an elevator. “I’ve got you.”

“Alright.” Harry forced the word out but his hands were still shaking. But Louis was also really warm and Harry wanted him to hold him. He wanted to be with Louis all day because something about him was just calming and safe. “Alright.” He whispered it again before burying his face into the side of Louis’ neck and just breathing.

-

“You like him!” Harry was staring at himself in the mirror with a cigarette in between his lips. His laugh was high pitched and he wanted to punch himself in the face. His music was really loud and he was surprised his Mum hadn’t come up to tell him to turn it down. 

“You fucker!” Harry was crying and rubbing at his face because this wasn’t right. Nothing was right. Nothing was ever right for him. His thoughts had been filled with Louis for the last week and he hadn’t seen him once and he just couldn’t handle it. He never thought he would need someone to talk to that much. Being alone had never been a problem for him until Louis had to come dancing into his life with a shotgun in his hands.

“Stop it.” Harry weakly muttered to the mirror and pressed his palm against the glass. It wasn’t like this was the first time he had, had a breakdown in his room. Not at all actually, but this was the first time something had felt so real and he hated it. He hated the feelings he was feeling for the fucking feathery haired boy with the nice smile and the fucking cat. God Harry didn’t even want to start about the fucking cat.

“You like him don’t you?” He tilted his head to the side and shakily pointed at himself in the mirror. “Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!” He slid down to his knees and let his head hit against the one of the drawers in his bathroom. He fell onto his side and let out a loud scream before pulling at his hair. He hated Louis Tomlinson so much. Why was Louis Tomlinson so nice to him? God, Louis.

Harry watched the cigarette from earlier on the ground next to his head. He slowly pressed his hand against it and screamed again. Not because it hurt, but because it was real. 

“Harold?” Someone was standing in the doorway of his bathroom and Harry flinched at the sudden sound. 

“Mum?” He shakily sat up and looked at her. Her eyes were tired and she looked like she had been crying and Harry had never really seen her like this. Harry had on a heavy hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and one sock on his foot from kicking at his sheets in his sleep.

“You alright in here?” She didn’t even ask him to turn down the music but Harry shakily reached over and turned it down for himself so he could hear her.

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and nodded his head. “Never been better.” He laughed a bit and looked back up at her. She gave him a sad smile and Harry wanted to stick forks in his eye because he was the cause of that.

“You were screaming and I thought I would check on you.” It came out awkward and Harry wondered why she didn’t come in the first place. He was playing loud music at three in the morning for fucks sakes.

“I’m good.” He tried to smile but it didn’t work and he ended up taking a shaky breath instead.

“Well if you ever need to talk.” Her voice came out quiet and Harry wanted to hug her because she was trying for him; she really was. But he didn’t have enough courage to do that.

“I’ll go to bed Mum.” He whispered quietly. Her eyes flickered to the cigarette back to him and then she offered a smile again and Harry nodded. She stood there for a moment and watched him and Harry felt vulnerable because his Mum had never really seen him like this.

“Goodnight.” Was all she said before slowly closing the bathroom door and walking out of his room.

“Oh.” Harry breathed out a moment later as his thoughts started at full blast again. “Oh god.” He cried once more before burying his head in his lap and screaming again.

-

“I made you a mixtape.” Was all Harry said when Louis opened the door to his office. The feathery haired boy did a double take on Harry’s appearance before his mouth fell open slightly.

“Are you alright?” Louis leaned back and opened the door for Harry to come in but the younger boy stood in his place. Harry had been crying for a long time. It was on and off since his Mum came in last night. He didn’t sleep and he was wearing the same thing he was yesterday, not that, that made any difference.

“I made you a mixtape Louis.” Harry clutched the silver disk in his hand and held it out for the older boy to take. Louis’ mouth parted a bit more and his eyebrows raised and he probably didn’t know what to do. “Take it.” Harry pleaded softly. “Louis please.” He whined a bit and Louis snapped out of his state to softly take it from Harry’s hands.

“Thank you.” He gulped and looked down at the disk. Harry watched him flip it around and look at the two words on the front. “Happy Songs?” He looked back up at Harry with questioning eyes.

“Yeah.” Harry breathed out before nodding his head. “My Dad before he um-” He wasn’t going to cry again. This was the person he had wanted to see all week and now he was ruining the moment. “Passed-” He swallowed. “We used to listen to music and there were one hundred songs or so I chose from and I went online and found some songs that you might like- but if you don’t.” Harry shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his feet.

“Wow.” Louis was looking at the tape again and flipping it back and forth. “That’s very nice of you thank you.” His eyes flickered to Harry’s and he was smiling and it made Harry’s chest warm inside all of a sudden. 

“Yeah. You’re welcome.” He nodded and wiped his eyes a bit causing Louis’ smile to turn into a frown.

“Why’d you make me this?” Louis let the tape and his hand drop to the side before fully opening the door and grabbing Harry’s hand to guide him inside. Harry shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the couch he always sat on before flopping down on it and putting his hands in his pockets.

“You told me to think about people who cared about me whenever I wanted to hurt myself and I guess I thought about you.” Harry’s voice sounded like honey and was drawn out to a painfully slow pace. Louis paused in his footsteps to stare at Harry and the younger boys eyes widened at his gaze.

Louis just stood there and Harry wondered for a second if he had froze to his spot but then he was moving and sitting down across from Harry with his notepad and pen and suddenly everything was all too familiar. 

“So uh-” Louis cleared his throat and clicked his pen out before looking back up at Harry. “How are you doing?” Same question.

“Great.” Same answer.

Harry never feels great and Louis knows.

God Louis knows. LouisLouisLouis is all that has been running through Harry’s brain and he just wants Louis to love him. He wants Louis to himself. He doesn’t want Louis to help him he wants Louis to be with him. He wants to help Louis with something. He wants Louis so bad that it is physically hurting him to just stare at him. 

“Haz?” Louis said that name again and Harry snapped from his thoughts. His lips parted slightly and he blinked. 

“What?” Harry said dumbly.

“How’s school?”

“Oh.” Harry took a deep breath and looked down at Louis’ foot tapping against the floor like always. He was twirling his pen like always. He was always doing things and Harry always noticed and he really just wanted to kiss Louis right now and fuck.

“Hum?” Louis tapped his pen twice before staring and Harry couldn’t really form words right now. He loved Louis Tomlinson. Fuck. He wanted to tell him. He needed to tell him. But he couldn’t. That would never ever work and Harry knew that. But everything about Louis was so- perfect.

“Fine. Really.” Harry said honestly because Zayn hadn’t bothered him much since the party and he was getting all his homework done on time so that was good.

“Oh good.” Louis smiled a bit before leaning back a little in his seat. Harry was going to scream. “How’s your Mum?” He rested his chin on his palm and Harry knew that he was getting comfortable. They were going to have to be here for a while anyway and Harry was hating every second of it.

-

Harry Styles didn’t notice Louis Tomlinson squeezing into his life.

He absolutely didn’t notice everything about him either if that was what you were wondering. Oh no, not at all. Harry also didn’t notice how Louis was starting to meet him on Friday at the coffee shop. Did anyone mention that Harry was not making Louis Tomlinson mix tapes? Because he certainly wasn’t. Harry also absolutely positively did not notice how much time he was spending with him in the past couple of months either. 

“You talk a lot more.” Louis looked up from his laptop that was currently perched on the table. Harry was sipping at his hot chocolate (with three shots of vodka) and definitely not thinking about Louis’ hair or his everything for that matter. 

“I do not.” Harry frowned and pushed the laptop closed for the third time that night. Louis’ body froze again and he let out a long sigh before setting it back in his bag.

“I give up.” He muttered and turned back around to meet Harry’s eyes. “And yes you do. You used to never talk to me.” He continued with the conversation and Harry’s lips went up a bit because Louis’ everything was bright and happy and chest-warming. 

“Oh.” Was all Harry said because three shots of vodka could go to your head. Especially if you happen to be a seventeen year old. “Okay I guess.” He sighed a bit and rolled his eyes. Louis’ fingers curved around his coffee but he didn’t pick it up.

“How’s school?” And that was enough to have Harry’s small smile to turn into a frown.

“Fine.” He sighed again because it was Friday and they were at the coffee shop and did they really have to talk about this here?

“Fine?” Louis raised his eyebrows and gah.

“Yeah.” Harry’s chest tightened a bit because school was shit and Louis knew that. Why would he even bring it up here for fucks sakes.

“Yeah?” Louis’ voice rose an octave higher and Harry let out a small puff of air through his nose and it almost looked like a laugh but it wasn't. 

"Yes Louis please." Harry whined but he was smiling again and Louis was smiling at him and Harry has never felt so warm.

"Alright." His tone went down and he finally took a sip of his coffee. Harry watched his fingers barely flinch as the hot liquid poured into his mouth. "But I'm asking you later." He looked over his cup and Harry looked away. 

"Ugh." Harry whined and buried his head on the table but Louis was laughing at him. Louis' laugh was such a nice sound. Harry thought that every sound from Louis' mouth was nice and he could sit and listen to him talk for days. Maybe even years. 

"You're totally faking." Louis huffed and Harry felt his finger flick against his scalp. 

"No." Harry said in monotone before coughing and clearing his throat. "No." He repeated in a low voice and Louis was laughing again. Harry looked up and rested his chin against the table. "I don't want to listen to poetry tonight." He stated it without second guessing himself. Louis always just accepted what he said.

"Why?" Louis' gaze shifted out the window and his face relaxed.

"Boring." He looked at his fingers and snapped them in his face. "I want to do something."

Louis eyes went back down to Harry's and he raised one of his eyebrows. "Do something as in?" He drew out the last syllable slowly.

"We should go to your flat." Harry squinted to act like he was thinking even though he knew what he was going to say. "And watch a movie." He looked back up at Louis to see his facial expression. It's not like Harry hadn't been there. He went there a lot actually. It was better than being at home alone with his thoughts. "Or movies." He added because Louis was just staring at him and Harry couldn't read his face.

"Why don't we go to your house?" Louis suggested and Harry immediately felt his face scrunch up. 

"Why?" Harry didn't mean to hiss the word out but he did. "M' house is boring." 

"I've never been so I couldn't know." Louis shrugged and looked back out the window with a slight frown on his face.

"You're doing it again." Harry pointed at him and sat up in his chair. "You're making me feel bad about it so I'll say yes."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Louis glanced over at him for a second and then back out the window.

“Wow.” Harry laughed for a second before thinking over what Louis had said. Harry really didn’t want him at his house, but at the same time it didn’t really matter. It’s not like his house was a mess or anything. Quite the opposite really. His room wasn’t big but it wasn’t small and it was somewhat normal. His Mum wouldn’t be home anyways so what did he have to lose.

“Fine.”

“Really?” Louis looked back over at him with a confused expression on his face and Harry immediately returned it because wasn’t this what Louis wanted to do? “I didn’t think you were going to be okay with it.” He must have guessed what Harry was thinking because his face was softening. 

“Oh.” Harry shifted in his seat. “It’s fine.” And there was that awkward feeling in his stomach that had turned more into a funny feeling, instead of an embarrassing one. At least it was when he was around Louis.

“Let’s go then.” Louis stood up and grabbed his jacket off of the chair and tossed it to Harry. “Here my shirts thicker than yours.” He was looking at his coffee as he said it but Harry was staring at the jacket in his hands and did he really just give him his jacket.

“Thanks.” Harry muttered weakly because the love he felt for this boy. 

“I’ll go grab the car and park out front.” Louis looked up and gave him a weak smile which Harry returned and maybe Harry could register the weird feeling in his stomach now.

-

“Wait here.” Harry put his hands on Louis’ shoulders to stop him from walking into his bedroom. His shoulders were warm even through his long sleeved shirt and fuck.

“Okay.” Louis’ eyes were moving around to see his surroundings and Harry really wanted to know what he was thinking about.

“It’ll just be a second.” He muttered as he slid into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. He strode into his bathroom and knocked everything into a drawer where it couldn’t be seen. Because this was one thing he would never be comfortable showing anybody. 

He went over to his dresser and slid the package of cigarettes into his nightstand drawer. Finally he slid the door open to his balcony and dumped the ash tray off the deck. His neighbors probably wouldn’t be that mad anyways.

“I’m coming in.” Louis pushed open the door right when Harry was about to grab it. They stared at each other for a moment before Louis was turning around to shut the door.

“Come in.” Harry muttered weakly.

“Sarcastic.” Louis sighed but it was meant for Harry to hear with him. It took a few more seconds of Louis looking around for him to finally set his eyes back on Harry. Then Louis was staring at him with his lips parted and eyes squinted and Harry didn’t know what to say because he didn’t know what he was thinking.

“Are you alright?” Harry let his hands wander into the pockets of Louis jacket because he felt his hands clench into fists. 

“Where is your T.V.?” Was the last thing he expected to come from Louis’ mouth.

“My what?” Harry heard him the first time but it didn’t quite go through his head. “There’s one in my Mum’s room but I’m not allowed to go in there.” He muttered after a long pause and Louis still looked utterly confused.

“Whoa wait. Your Mum never got you one?” 

“I never asked for one. Never cared for one honestly.” He corrected and Louis’ face softened a bit.

“But where are we going to watch the movie then?” Louis slowed down his words almost like it was too much for Harry to process. The younger boy looked down at his bed and pointed to the laptop lying on the comforter. Louis’ eyes flicked back and forth between the two and Harry realised why he didn’t want Louis to come to his house. It was a disappointing place, to be honest.

“Alright. Do you have Netflix?” He suddenly asked and Harry’s lips parted in surprise. 

“No.”

“We can sign into mine then.” Louis was suddenly walking and laying down on Harry’s bed and the younger boy just stared at him. Who knew anyone could make themselves at home that quickly. Harry still stood in place as Louis opened up his laptop and turned it on.

“Louis-” Harry started but stopped, making the older boy look up from his side of the bed.

“Come sit with me, yeah?” He smiled a bit and Harry opened his mouth to suggest that they go downstairs and watch it but decided against it and joined Louis on the bed.

“Are you going to pick the movie then?” Harry asked as soon as Louis had signed into his Netflix account and was browsing through the horror section. Louis paused and looked over at him.

“Do you want to?” 

“Not really.” He muttered and Louis paused again to move closer and place the laptop on both of their stomachs. It didn’t take Harry all too long to realise that their bodies were touching and Louis was having no problem with it whatsoever.

It didn’t take long for Louis to pick a rated R horror movie that Harry had never heard of. Harry hated scary movies but he wasn’t going to say anything because Louis looked so calm and happy with his life and Harry didn’t want to be the one to ruin that. 

Fifteen minutes into the movie Harry had his head rested against Louis’ chest and his fingers clutching his shirt a little too tight. Louis had his hand wrapped lazily around Harry and their legs absolutely were not crossed over one another.

“He’s definitely the killer.” Harry pointed his finger at the man wearing all black on the screen. He could feel Louis’ chest rising and falling and it was a good feeling. They were almost like best mates now or something like that.

“What?” Louis voice came out high as he moved his finger into Harry’s eyesight to point at the man wearing all white. “It’s him for sure.”

“Not even.” Harry huffed and Louis’ hand shifted onto his hip bone, but neither of them were moving. “He hasn’t even killed anybody yet how could you possibly believe-” Harry screeched as a hooded figure popped into the screen. Louis’ fingers tightened over him and maybe that was the closest Louis grew to scared.

“My god.” Louis was laughing at Harry and he could feel his chest moving fast under him. “Do you want me to turn it off?” He asked suddenly and Harry shook his head because he really wanted to see who the killer was.

“M’gonna watch until the end.” He muttered as Louis’ chuckling subsided.

“You’re gonna fall asleep I bet you.” Louis whispered under his breath and Harry turned his head to look him in the eyes.

“M’not.”

“Are too.” 

-

Harry fell asleep ten minutes later. The movie was honestly boring, or so Harry thought. There wasn’t a lot of action and the plot was slow. He drifted in and out of sleep but it was calm because he could feel Louis breathing and his feet brushing against his own and when did his therapist turn into his best, and probably only, friend because that wasn’t supposed to happen. Harry hadn’t really felt this calm in a long time.

“The killer wears black.” Louis whispered quietly and Harry grunted in return because he wasn’t paying attention. “Are you tired.” Was the next thing that came from his mouth and this time Harry groaned. 

“M’sleeping.” He hissed and rolled his body to the side and clutched onto Louis like a pillow because he certainly felt like one.

“Yeah?” Louis questioned a little louder and Harry almost screamed at him.

“Oh my god.” Harry whined and lightly pounded his fist against the side of Louis’ ribs. 

“Oh my god what?” 

“M’sleeping.” He repeated a little bit louder.

“Hi sleeping I’m Louis.” It was right next to his ear and Harry reached up lazily to swat him away but he ended up hitting thin air.

“I’m serious.”

“I thought you were sleeping?”

“I am.” Harry whined loud and rolled his head into Louis’ chest to block him out. “Please Louis.” He begged quietly because he was really enjoying himself at first and even though he was hiding his grin, he really just wanted to fall back asleep.

“Okay curly.”

-

Harry woke up alone to an alarm clock beeping in his face. He was slightly confused for a moment, thinking it was still the night time and he was still watching the movie. But he was alone again and it was time for him to get ready. Usually he would lie in bed when his alarm woke him up. Or he never went to sleep in the first place. But, he was actually sleeping this time and terribly tired with a slight headache and sleep sounded really good right now.

“It isn’t Sunday yet.” He muttered to nobody but himself because he could go back to sleep if he really wanted to; except that he couldn’t. There was no warm heat coming from under him and nobody was breathing except for him. It was too quiet.

-

There hadn’t been a day in a long time where Harry spent it alone. But today was going to be that day. At first he planned on going out and getting something to eat. But he was by himself and that was boring and besides, he had already eaten enough yesterday and didn’t need anything more. He settled for sitting on the floor of his bedroom with music playing and his itunes open on his lap.

He had made Louis eight mixtapes in the past three months and Louis had them all stacked in his car next to the passenger seat. It made Harry feel warm really. Louis did in general but the smile on his face was so brilliant.

“You doing okay in here?”

Harry’s body twitched in surprise and his laptop almost fell off his lap. His head shot up and he watched his Mum slide into the room, closing the door behind her.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” Harry asked quietly with a frown. A slight panic worked its way up his spine and into his head but it was his Mum; not a killer or anything like that.

“I have the weekend off.” She smiled lightly and Harry didn’t know whether to smile back or not.

“Alright.” He gulped and glanced back down at the computer screen filled with a long list of selectable songs.

“How are you?” She was looking at her feet as she said it before looking back up at him. Harry felt his fingernails pinching his skin before he realized he was doing it.

“M’good.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Just working on something.” He looked over to the screen door that was still pushed wide open from last night. It was hot in the house and the breeze was nice.

“Oh.” She nodded at him and Harry wondered if that was why he was so awkward. His Mum was awkward, but only when she was trying to talk to him. “Do you want to do something tomorrow?” She offered him a smile but Harry just stared at her because he had plans to be honest.

“I have to go see Louis tomorrow.” He stated quietly and his wrist twitched.

“Yes but you don’t have to go tomorrow if you don’t want to.” She was still smiling but Harry was frowning because he still had plans.

“Louis and I were going to go up to the cabin.”

“The cabin?” The smile fell from her face and Harry was suddenly feeling the anxiety creep into his skin and fuck.

“Yeah um-“ He paused and broke eye contact with her because he couldn’t do this. ‘Just imagine that they’re naked.’ Louis’ words rang through his head and Harry sucked in a breath. That was the last thing he wanted to do with his Mum. “For dinner with his family.”

“Oh.” She said surprised and Harry felt his cheeks turn red because it wasn’t a date or anything. Just something Louis had offered and Harry said yes because they were mates… or something like that.

“Yeah.” Harry said after his Mum continued to stare.

“I’m pretty sure that you two aren’t supposed to-“

“Mum.” Harry interrupted and she paused mid word. “I’m really happy.” He spoke the words but they didn’t sound right. That sentence coming out of his mouth didn’t sound right. He wasn’t happy at all really. But he was getting there. “Happier.” He added quietly.

She stared at him for a moment longer before a small smile lifted her face. “Alright. Have fun with Louis then.” She nodded and Harry nodded back with a grin on his face because this was great really. “Just let me know about these things.” She sighed and turned to walk out the door.

“Alright.” Harry’s grin fell from his face as he turned back towards the laptop. The sound of the door shutting went through his head and he blinked slowly and took a deep breath. “Thank you.”

-

“We’re going to have the session in the car.” Louis was pulling on his jacket as he shut his laptop and was trying to pick it up with one hand. Harry stood at the door with his hands in his pockets and a backpack lazily slung over his side.

“Why?” Harry asked mostly because if they weren’t going to do it here, they shouldn’t do it at all.

“Because we have to be there by nine and it’s a ten hour drive.” Louis grabbed his laptop case and a pen and stood up to look at the younger boy. “Ready?” His hair was sticking out of the top of his beanie and he was wearing sweat pants. Harry was wearing skinny jeans and a sweatshirt even though it wasn’t cold outside. Louis said it was going to be cold up there anyways, so it was okay, sort of.

“Yeah.” Harry answered as Louis shut the door and locked it. Harry followed behind Louis as they walked outside to his car. It looked like it was going to rain but it was warm out and it felt nice. Louis took Harry’s backpack from him with a slight hand gesture and threw it into the back seat.

“Well this is exciting.” He smiled and Harry smiled back because Louis was happiness.

“Yes.” Harry let the word roll off his tongue with ease because speaking to Louis was easy. Everything was just easy.

-

“What do you want?” Louis was parked in front of a gas stop and Harry’s face scrunched up because he didn’t want anything. He didn’t eat yesterday but he didn’t eat much in general.

“Nothing.” Harry’s feet were perched above his body and close to pressing against the front window. With a blanket wrapped around him and the seat put back, you could say he was pretty comfortable.

“When was the last time you ate?” Louis was leaning against the door of the driver's seat with his hands supporting himself on the door. Harry just stared at Louis because he didn’t want to answer that. Louis’ eyebrows raised because he knew what Harry was doing. 

“Two days ago.” 

“Harry-” Louis started in that sad scolding tone, but Harry cut him off. 

“I know, okay.” He shifted his body so that he was looking out the sunroof and not at Louis.

“Well then do something about it.” Louis sighed and Harry pulled the comforter up to his chin. “If you want to get better you need to start with changing yourself.” He added. “What do you want?” He asked again and Harry dared to look over at his disappointed face. 

“Nothing.” Harry spoke again because he really didn’t want anything. Louis took one deep breath before slamming the door shut and disappearing through the buildings door. 

-

“Eat it or we’re going back.” Something lightly landed next to Harry’s face and the younger boy forced his eyes open to see what was going on.

“What?” Harry muttered because he had managed to fall asleep in the short time Louis had been gone. 

“I got you a bag of chips. You are going to eat it or we are going back.”

“What?” He looked at him in disbelief because really?

“Come on Harry.” Louis’ bottom lip was pulled between his teeth and he looked in the mix of irritated and nervous. Maybe, there was some worry in there but Harry didn’t know. He slowly brought the bag of chips into eye level before looked back at Louis with a confused look on his face.

“I’m not hungry right now.” His voice grew softer and he noticed the octaves change in his voice.

“You need to eat. Or we have to go back and you need to go to the hospital.” Louis looked down at his feet because he probably didn’t really want to say it. But, he always wanted what was best for Harry. He did.

“Can you just-” Harry paused and took a deep breath because these were things he needed to prepare for. This wasn’t his Friday hot chocolate that he had on the agenda for the week. He usually planned these things out and suddenly Louis Tomlinson is throwing a bag of chips at him and fuck.

“Just?” Louis adds after a moment because Harry is just staring at him and he thinks he’s sorta pathetic. Harry swallows and looks out the front window of the car to see a woman and her child walking back to their car. The girl’s head turns over and she makes eye contact with him for one short seconds before continuing on with her life. 

“Wait a minute.” Harry takes a shuddering breath and places his hand up against his forehead. Louis gives a small nod but Harry doesn’t see it because he’s watching the girl and trying to clear his head.

‘It could be worse.’

The words ring through his head and he nods to himself more than anybody. Louis shuts the driver side door and Harry thinks his breathing is getting loud. He doesn’t know. Louis doesn’t say anything to him. He doesn’t even look at him and Harry wonders if it’s because he’s trying to give him space or if he’s embarrassed or whatever.

He needs to just do it. Him not eating a single fucking bag of chips could be the difference between going to the hospital and going camping. Louis lets him get away with so much. God Louis Tomlinson.

Harry doesn’t even realise he’s eaten two chips before Louis’ pulling out of the parking lot and starting to drive. He shoves another in and chews the weight before swallowing and he’s promising himself he isn’t going to eat for another week. He was just never really hungry and this was so much food. So much more than he had needed for the rest of the week. Louis’ breath hitched and Harry wondered if he was about to say something.

“You’re good.” Louis spoke quietly and Harry wanted to cry as he folded the bag and placed it on the floor next to him. 

“M’ Sorry.” Harry apologizes because he’s embarrassed himself and he needs to stop doing that in front of Louis because it’s annoying and Louis never does things like this.

“Don’t be sorry.” Louis swallows and Harry can see it out of the corner of his eye. “Just- don’t like think about it or anything.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Harry nods and turns to the face the other side of the window because he can’t really look at the older boy right now. His throat is burning and he wants to puke but he doesn’t. He won’t. Not in front of Louis.

-

“Harry!” Louis’ father was the first person to hug him when he came through the door. It was almost like they were waiting for them. Harry instantly felt out of breath as someone seemed to squeeze the life out of him. He shut his eyes and opened them to see Louis standing to the side with a small smile on his face. 

“Louis how are you?” Someone asked from behind Louis’ father, but Harry couldn’t see.

“Great Mum.” And then Louis was looking away from him and going to hug his Mum. Harry was let go and was replaced with another set of arms. He didn’t really know what was going on but he went along with it anyways. 

The cabin was deep in the woods and it was nice really. Like really, really nice. There was a pond out the back and trees surrounding the whole area. Just as they pulled up it had started to snow a bit and Harry had to sit in the car for a moment. 

“It’s so good to see you.” Louis’ Mum was squeezing Harry in what seemed to be a death hold. Harry wondered why she had said that because she had never met him before and knew nothing about him. “Louis talks about you all the time.”

“Mum.” Louis interrupted and Harry’s chest clenched because Louis talked about him. “Harry.” Louis turned on his feet and suddenly he had his back up straight and a smile on his face and he was charming his parents or something. “I’ll show you to our room, yeah?”

“Our room?” Harry almost choked on his words but he blessed the lord when he didn’t.

“We can get you separate rooms if you would like?” Louis’ Mum interrupted and all three sets of eyes were suddenly on Harry and even though he had just gotten out of the snow he suddenly felt very hot. 

“No.” Harry pushed the words out too fast and coughed at himself. “No. It’s fine. I mean like-” And his face was turning red and fuck. “If you- It doesn’t- matter.”

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Harry instantly responded and looked at Louis. He reached up and ran a hand through his hair because oh god. He was really messing up right now. Both of Louis’ parents were still staring at him. His father looked confused and his Mum was giving him a sad understanding look- and what did Louis even say about him anyways? Everything was hot.

“Let’s go then.” Louis nodded at his parents and wrapped one of his arms around Harry’s shoulder before leading him up a staircase to what he assumed to be the bedrooms. Louis was walking quick and Harry didn’t really know why.

Harry was suddenly pushed into a room and he almost fell forward before another hand was grabbing his. Harry didn’t know he was hyperventilating until Louis had shut the door and was holding both of his hands in his.

“Calm down.” Louis leaned towards Harry and he pressed his forehead against his. The only thought that went through his head was something about how Louis was a therapist and was not supposed to be this close. Another thought was how he didn’t care.

“I messed- I felt like-”

“Deep breaths.” Louis shushed him and Harry took in a gasping breath before taking one of his hands out of Louis’ to make sure he wasn’t crying and thank god he wasn’t. He couldn’t mess this up any more. He didn’t want to make Louis take care of him or anything.

“It’s been a bad day.” Harry admitted after a couple of minutes and Louis’ eyes flickered back open before a forced laugh escaped his lips.

“But you made it and you’re here, so you’re okay.” Louis responded and Harry was in love with this boy and he could just kiss him right this moment if he had the courage to do so.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded and squeezed Louis’ hands tighter in his because he never wanted to let go. “But I never want to talk to your parents ever again.” He breathed out a laugh and Louis laughed too and neither of them pulled away. 

“I’ll help you.” Louis nodded more to himself than to Harry and Harry noticed that as the older boy shut his eyes. “You’re just stressed out.” He opened his eyes and Harry took another deep breath. “Everybody gets stressed out it’s okay.”

“But-” Harry stops because he doesn’t want to say anything. Almost as soon as the conversation starts, it ends and Harry feels calmer as Louis pulls away and re-opens the door to step out in the hallway and get their backpacks.

-

“He’s never going to die.” Louis states as they watch the seconds movie of the one they had watched on Friday and yet again Harry was falling asleep and not paying attention to anything other than what Louis was saying.

They were both downstairs in the family room watching the movie on the big television and this place was really nice and warm and homely. Harry was covered in too many blankets to count and Louis wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Are the floors heated?” Harry asked as his feet padded over to get his glass of water off the table. 

“I think so.” Louis shrugged but he was focused on the movie and Harry didn’t mind. As he was snuggling back into the blankets on the couch, Louis looked back over at him and a grin spread across his face. “You gonna fall asleep again?”

“Yeah.” Harry didn’t bother to lie this time because his eyes were already starting to pull down on him. “Long day.”

“Of driving.” Louis muttered under his breath and Harry smiled into the soft blankets because this felt good. Having Louis around was just so happy and he was around a lot. Harry wanted to ask him why he always spent so much time with him all of a sudden, but the words were held on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t want to hear something he didn’t want to hear. 

“Goodnight.” Harry settled for instead of saying anything else.

“Night.” Louis added a seconds later and Harry wondered if they were going to sleep out here for tonight.

-

“Harry.” Someone was slightly nudging his shoulder with their hand and Harry groaned away from the touch to roll over and cover himself with the blankets. “Harold wake up.” Louis’ voice rang through his ear and Harry pulled the covers over his head because just no.

“Leave me alone.” His voice was heavy and drawn out and extremely tired. 

“It’s almost noon.” Louis’ body weight was suddenly all on Harry and the younger boy pushed his hands up on the blankets to get him away. “Don’t you usually wake up at five?”

“Go away.” Harry grunted and tried to push Louis off. His man made sofa fort was the most comfortable thing. Louis laying on top of him was not.

“I didn’t invite you to sleep here.” Louis had found Harry’s hand under the blankets and was pulling him until Harry was on the floor and trying to cover himself with the a pillow.

“I’m so tired.” Harry explained out loud before spreading out his limbs and lying on his back. He opened his eyes and Louis was staring down at him with a frown on his face.

“Hi.” Harry was frowning too because he was tired, if you didn’t know.

“Hello.” Louis reached out his hand for Harry to take and they younger boy groaned again before taking it and letting himself be pulled up. 

“I’m dying.” Harry stated as he rested his cheek against his palm and he closed his eyes at the bar stool in the kitchen. Louis was pouring him a glass of water and himself a cup of coffee.

“No you’re not.” Louis stated almost absentmindedly as he slid the drink towards the younger boy.

“Yeah I am.” Harry stated quieter for only himself to hear, but Louis paused and glanced up at him for a moment. Harry returned the stare and Louis broke eye contact to stir his coffee. 

“What do you want to do today?” Louis asked as he pulled out a stool to sit across from him. Harry vaguely wondered where his parents were but they were probably out and about.

“Swimming?” Harry thought about the pond from yesterday but then he glanced outside and there was a half a foot of snow sitting on the ground and it was still going. “Or-” He paused to look at Louis.

“We could if you wanted to.” Louis shrugged. “It’s not like I haven’t jumped into a freezing thing of ice before.” He spoke in monotone and Harry didn’t know what he was talking about but he nodded none the less because it was Louis.

“Okay.” Harry just nodded and that’s how they got their day started.

-

“Louis!” Harry was screeching and grabbing onto Louis’ arm because he most certainly didn’t want to be pushed in the water. He was sure his lips were blue and he hadn’t even jumped into the pond yet. Louis was laughing and pushing Harry and one of his feet slipped off and he was clutching Louis in a death hold. Both of them suddenly stilled because Harry had half a foot on the dock and Louis had two half feet. 

“I think we’re going in now.” Louis was clutching Harry just as hard and Harry scrunched his eyes shut and took a deep breath.

“Wait Louis. Wait.” He begged because Louis was tipping them ever so slowly. “Don’t people like die like this.” His voice grew quiet and he felt Louis’ warm breath ghosting over his neck. It was so cold and Harry was shaking a mile a minute.

“I don’t know.” He tilted a little bit and Harry was placing his other foot back on the dock and trying to get back on but Louis didn’t budge.

“Oh god.” Harry whined because they were both wearing swimming trunks for god sakes and it was snowing outside. “People die from hypothermia and can’t breathe.” And suddenly this doesn’t seem like a good idea and apparently Louis had, had enough because he was pushing Harry off and they were both falling.

As soon as his body hit the water it felt like a million daggers were being plunged into his skin from all angles. His mouth opened to scream but it felt like he was swallowing acid and his arms reached up for his throat.

He took in another deep breath and that’s when he remembered that he was under water and it was just really cold. He forced his eyes open because he couldn’t feel his arms and god he couldn’t swim in this. It was too cold. 

He was faced with darkness and he wondered for a moment if he had been sinking for a while and if he was dead. But he was cold to a point past shivering and suddenly his body was being lifted up and he was back above the surface.

“Fuck Harry.” Louis was coughing and Harry opened his blurry eyes to Louis coughing out water and flicking his hair back. Harry’s lips parted and he couldn’t breathe. Oh god he couldn’t breathe. Louis stared at him for a moment and Harry stared right back because if he was about to die he wanted to be looking at Louis.

But then the huge urge to cough came up and Harry was puking up water for the next minute and a half. Louis watched quietly but he was smiling a bit and Harry wondered how he did it.

“I can’t-” Harry couldn’t swim right now and his feet and arms weren’t moving to his pleasure. Louis grabbed his hand, but Harry couldn’t feel it, and wrapped it around the ladder on the side of the dock. 

“Cold?” Louis asked a moment later. He had his arms wrapped around his chest and his teeth were chattering. His lips were bright blue and even though Harry felt like he was getting stabbed he still wanted to kiss the boy in front of him.

Harry couldn’t even nod. He just stared and Louis must have gotten the point of something because he just stayed put for a few more moments.

“This-” Harry coughed again and it was hurting his body to physically do things. “Worst idea.” He nodded at himself and Louis’ laugh was constricted against the cold.

“Nice start to your day.” Louis laughed and Harry tried to but it ended up being a pulled smile.

“I feel- like I’m going- to die.” Harry spoke honestly because he had never been so cold in his entire life. Louis nodded but neither of them moved and then Louis was laughing again. 

“You need to go up the ladder then.” He laughed and Harry didn’t know how he wasn’t dying all over.

“Fuck.” Harry breathed and he wondered if his breath was made out of ice. He couldn’t feel his body as he climbed up the ladder and fell onto his knees. Louis stepped over him and started to run back towards the house.

“I’ll grab you a towel. Be right back.” He yelled over his shoulder and Harry couldn’t move. He watched Louis slide the back door back into place before disappearing into the house. 

Harry whined in the back of his throat and he thought that he couldn’t move even if he tried. It was so cold he couldn’t feel anything and if there was ever a feeling he never wanted to experience again, this was it. He wondered if this is what death felt like. He hoped not.

Everything was white around him and he was sitting in ankle deep snow with only boxers on. His body was pale white and his arms were littered with blue and purple marks. His arms were hanging at his side and he was close to falling over when Louis came back out with a towel.

“I can’t move.” Harry whispered under his breath as he repeated it to Louis, who leaned down to hear what he was saying. He was wrapped in an expensive towel and held one out for Harry to take.

Louis went around and hooked his arms under Harry’s armpits to lift him up, before wrapping a towel around his thin body and patting his shoulder. He had to half carry Harry into the house and set him down in front of the fireplace.

“Thank- thank you.” Harry whispered as Louis handed him a cup of hot water and a tea bag. Louis started the fire and sat down next to him with a blanket that he wrapped around the both of them.

“I guess that was a little too cold for you then?” Louis already seemed to be back to normal as Harry lessened into the horrible shivering phase. 

“Yes.” He coughed again and it hurt his body to the point when he was clutching his chest. “I swallowed the water and it burned so bad.” He added and pulled the blanket over his body a little bit more.

“I didn’t expect it to get you that bad. I used to do it all the time when I was younger.” Louis sighed and took a sip of his hot tea.

“I’m going to get sick.” Harry let out what his thought was a statement but came out like a whine and his voice wouldn’t get higher than a whisper.

“I’ll take care of you.”

And Harry didn’t think it was possible but he felt his chest warm just a tad as Louis spoke. Ten minutes later Louis was talking about his cat and his parents going to the store today to get food and he was talking and Harry was growing warm again. After he could finally take a steady breath he got up to go and make another two cups of hot water for their tea.

-

“I’m so sick.” Harry whined that night while they both sat in bed. Harry currently had his eyes pressed against his knees and was almost to the point of crying. Louis had his hand on his back but it was loosening as he took out his cell phone to check the time.

“Do you want some more medication?” He asked and Harry shook his head because medication couldn’t solve all his problems.

“No. I’m just so cold.” He stated and two seconds later Louis was making him lay back as he went to go get six blankets from downstairs.

“Here.” Louis was throwing blankets over the bed and was crawling under them moments later. Harry opened his eyes to come face to face with him on the other side of the bed. A hand was pressed against his forehead and he closed his eyes again.

“Cold.” He muttered under his breath because it was starting to dull a bit.

“Hot.” Louis stated after he had felt his forehead. “Get some sleep okay?” He asked and Harry nodded before opening his eyes again.

“Where are you going?” He wanted Louis with him right now. All the time actually but-

“Nowhere. I’ll be right here. Just tell me if you need anything.” He smiled and Harry smiled back.

“Thank you Louis.” Harry sighed before closing his eyes and sinking down into the mattress. At least he had Louis there to keep him warm.

-

 

“Do you want to watch another movie? Or play cards? Obviously I won’t suggest anything that has to do with going outside in the snow.” Louis was working on his laptop and it was three in morning and Harry couldn’t fall back asleep. Not when he was coughing and choking on his spit and his nose was running everywhere. 

It was wonderful.

“At three in morning?” Harry’s voice was stuffy with congestion and he felt disgusting. “I would love to go outside right now.” He quieted his voice at the end because maybe that was a little too much.

“Harold.” Louis spoke in a mocking tone and shook his head once at his laptop. Harry thought he was serious for a second before Louis let out a small laugh under his breath and there was a smile on his face.

“Lewis.” Harry pulled the comforter over his head and was speaking through the thick sheet. If he wasn’t going to sleep he might as well talk to the boy who he is head over heels for. 

This whole thing felt like a dream. Louis Tomlinson was a dream. Harry was sometimes afraid he would wake up to his normal life and normal schedule without Louis there… He would die. 

“Lewis.” Louis mocked again and both boys were laughing again until Harry started coughing into the comforter.

Harry poked his head out and turned to face Louis, who looked right back at him with his eyebrows raised. Harry felt his cheeks turn a darker shade of red if that was even possible. “What are you doing?” Harry’s eyes flickered over to his laptop before landing back on Louis.

“Emailing people.” Louis rolled his eyes and looked back to his laptop. “I can put on a movie if you want.”

“No thank you.” Harry blinked slowly because he was perfectly fine with staring at Louis Tomlinson.

“Alright.” Louis spoke under his breath as he typed out, what Harry assumed to be, an email.

“Okay.” Harry felt the strange need to respond to him even though Louis was no longer paying attention to him.

“Okay.” Louis responded back in the same tone and it had Harry laughing again and pulling his body back under the covers. He was sick in heaven right now, or at least that’s what it felt like. 

“What are you Emailing about Louis Tomlinson?” Harry didn’t know why he said his name but he did and he felt something in the pit of his stomach that was making his lips quirk up. Maybe it was somewhere close to happy. He didn’t know.

“Work and such.” He hit another button harder than the others and stopped his hands from moving on the keyboard. “What you staring at me for Harry Styles?” Louis turned his head slightly to look at him and was Harry really staring at him?

“Oh.” Harry was laughing again and pulling the covers back over himself to hide his face. “Sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” Louis always let his words flow through his mouth so easily, while Harry was tripping up on his. Harry thought that Louis Tomlinson was wonderful. “Try and get some sleep.”

-

Two days later Harry was left with only a stuffy nose and a sweater from Louis’ Mum. 

“So what do you like to do for fun Harry?” Louis’ Mum, Johannah, was staring at him from across the dining room table. All eyes snapped over to him and Harry glanced over at Louis, who was sipping from his cup of tea with happy, tired eyes.

“Uh.” Harry thought for a moment because ‘Spending time with your son’ didn’t seem like something he should say. “I like making mix tapes.” He decided for that instead and suddenly Louis was spitting his tea back into the cup and everyone was looking at him.

“Louis, dear are you alright?” Johannah was suddenly frowning and Louis was coughing with a hand on his chest.

“M’ good.” He spoke in a forced high pitched voice and Harry wondered if it was something that he said.

Almost as soon as Johannah had spoken to Louis she was turning back towards Harry with a polite smile on her face. “How’s school then?” She asked and Harry felt himself frown before he could stop himself. 

“It’s alright.” He shrugged and glanced over at Louis, who was also looking at him. “Can’t wait for it to be over, you know?” He looked back over at Johannah who nodded at him.

“What University were you thinking of attending?” 

And if he had been asked that question four months ago he would of laughed and said he was going to be dead by then. But now here he was in a nice cabin with nice people and nice feelings flowing through his veins.

“I don’t know yet but I was going to look into it soon.” He didn’t mention that his grades were shit and he would be lucky to make it into college.

“I loved Uni.” Troy added and Harry offered him a small smile because he didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know if he could handle Uni to be quite honest.

“I didn’t.” Louis spoke from next to Harry. “I only went for three years.”

“I can tell.” Harry didn’t realise that he had said it until both of Louis’ parents were laughing and Louis was elbowing him in the shoulder. 

“Rude.” Louis spoke but the joking manner was clear in his voice and Harry looked down at his lap because he shouldn’t have said that.

“Harry.” Johannah kept talking to him like he was the most interesting person she had ever met. “How’s your life doing at the moment?” She was giving him a sad smile again and Harry felt his chest twist up because nobody had really cared about that really. Except for Louis, but he just knew.

“Mum.” Louis hissed under his breath because that apparently wasn’t something she was supposed to say. 

“Oh sorry.” She frowned at Louis. “Did I say something wrong?”

“It’s better.” Harry interrupted their staring and all eyes went back to him. “Getting better I guess.”

“Are you happy?” She tilted her head to the side with a confused look on her face and Louis hissed at her from across the table. 

“I don’t really know what happy is.” Harry looked down at his fingers that were scratching the table slowly and suddenly he felt like a brick was back on his back just thinking about life and it was all a little too overwhelming. It was easier when he was with Louis and he could just forget.

“Oh.” Johannah looked so sad suddenly and Harry couldn’t look at her. He didn’t want to make people feel like that. He didn’t want people to feel anywhere close to what he was feeling. “You don’t deserve that Harry.” She added a moment later because the silence was killing everyone in the room.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged and he wanted to say so much more. He wanted everyone to know and then maybe his problems would disappear. It was just slowly happening. Or he was filling his life with distracting things. 

“I heard that time heals all wounds.” Troy added and Harry let out a laugh through his nose.

“Yeah I guess so.” His voice was growing quiet and he didn’t want that.

“I’ll go get you another glass of hot water.” Louis was suddenly standing up and patting Harry’s shoulder, before getting the mug next to him and walking back into the kitchen. 

-

“Sorry about my parents.” Louis laughed under his breath. They were sitting on the swings in the back yard and watching the sunset.. if there was one. The sky was pure white and the snow was getting pretty ridiculous. 

“It’s okay.” Harry laughed too because he was over it. It didn’t bother him at all and he absolutely wasn’t thinking about it. Not at all. No, he was with Louis and he was content with himself.

“They shouldn’t have asked you that.” He shook his head and Harry’s lips parted because Louis looked so beautiful in the snow. His hair was filled with snow because he let Harry use his beanie and fuck.

“Did you tell them?” Harry was speaking his mind because he was perfectly fine with just staring at him instead of talking. “About me.” 

“Of course they’re my parents.” Louis sighed and his voice grew awkward and Harry thought that maybe he didn’t want to expand on the subject.

“But aren’t you like not supposed-”

“Parents.” Louis breathed out and Harry nodded slowly. His breath was ghosting out into the freezing air and he was really trying to remember this moment. “Do you talk to your mom about it?” And ugh, Harry almost groaned because he didn’t want to talk about anything therapy related when he was in such a calm mood.

“No.” He pushed the word out quickly. “Kind of. I don’t know.” He shrugged and normally Louis would say something like ‘You should always know’ but he was quiet and just listening to him; staring at him. 

“When do you want to head back home?” Louis suddenly asked and tore his eyes away from Harry to kick at the snow. 

‘Next week’ Harry wanted to say but he knew he had to go back to school again. He could only miss so much. “Whenever.” He hummed and leaned back into the swing until it was swaying slightly.

“I used to swing on these when I was younger.” Louis’ voice lowered and Harry closed his eyes because he could feel. “My parents used to bring me up here and I would sit out here for hours.” He let out a small breath. “I used to love it out here.”

“You don’t anymore?” Harry sighed but didn’t open his eyes because he was feeling so much and listening and fuck.

“I do.” He stated and Harry wanted to scream how he felt right now. The cold was burning his skin in the best way. “I never realised how boring it was until I got older. It’s a lonely place, I guess.” Louis’ voice was flowing through his veins and he was going to burst open into stars.

Harry hummed and dug his feet into the snow to plant himself. If he could just stay here with Louis forever that would be wonderful.

“You okay?” Louis suddenly asked and Harry blinked his eyes open. He took a deep breath and turned his head to look at Louis. 

“Maybe it got boring because you needed someone to make it lovely with you.” Harry’s voice sounded small and he didn’t even think his words through, but they were flowing out with his soul. Louis’ lips parted and his eyes widened a bit because what did Harry just say? 

They just stared at each other and Harry felt like he said something wrong for a moment. But then Louis gave a small nod and his lips twitched up before he turned to look back down at his feet and maybe Harry’s insides blew up with him, he didn’t know.

“You’re weird you know that?” Louis laughed under his breath and Harry didn’t have time to think about it before Louis spoke again. “But it’s quite fascinating.” 

Harry’s breath was sucked back in his mouth and he briefly wondered if Louis was joking with him because therapists most certainly are not supposed to be friends with their patients. But the more he thought about the more he didn’t care, because Louis was a warm ball of light and small smiles and oversized sweaters.

“You’re fascinating too.” Harry could practically feel his face catch on fire as he ducked his head away. Louis laughed again but it was comfortable in a way and Harry honestly didn’t know what was happening and what they were doing right now. The words weren't processing through his brain and his head was spinning in circles with no brake.

-

“Tea for you.” Louis handed Harry a warm mug and sat down on his butt next to him. Harry couldn’t tell whether or not he liked sitting on the swings with Louis or sitting by the fire with him. Harry just wanted to stay up at the cabin for the rest of his life.

“Thank you.” Harry muttered and looked down into the mug. Louis had already stirred the tea for him. God, Harry was feeling something in his chest and it was starting to become what he would describe as happy.

“How are you doing?” Louis was talking down to his cup and Harry prayed that he maybe was thinking about the same things that went through his own head. “Sick wise.” He added after a moment.

“Better.” Harry brought his cup up to his lips and blew on it lightly. “Tea helps.” 

“Tea helps everything you know.” Louis glanced over at him before looking into the fire. “Helps the soul.”

“So does music you know.” Harry spoke slowly because he was trying to mimic Louis’ smooth voice. “Helps the soul.”

Louis ducked his head down and let out a small laugh. Harry’s eyes widened a bit because did he just make Louis laugh like that. Harry wanted to make him do that again. He wondered why they were suddenly so close. Or at least that’s what Harry thought they were. Like good friends or something.

“You’re radiant right now, you know?” Louis said in the midst of a yawn; his arms stretching up until he was lying on his back with his knees pulled up. Harry tried to control his breathing because LouisLouisLouis. 

“Oh.” Harry couldn’t speak. No. He should have said something like ‘thanks’ or ‘wow you’re radiant too and I really want to kiss you everywhere.’ But instead he felt himself leaning back to be next to Louis. 

If things couldn’t make Harry’s chest flutter anymore, Louis scooted himself so that their sides were inches apart. “Do you see that?” Louis whispered as he lifted his arm towards the ceiling. Harry focused his eyes to where he was pointing.

“See what?” He whispered too because suddenly everything around him was so fragile and he didn’t want to break it. Louis put his arm back down to take Harry’s hand and grip it in his; their fingers pointing towards the ceiling. Harry was going to melt.

“That big spider.” He was talking under his breath almost as if the spider could actually hear him and he was offending him or something. Another cute mystery of Louis Tomlinson. Harry moved his eyes from their hands to look at the ceiling and he could barely make out the small spider clinging to it.

“Big?” Harry questioned and Louis was shushing him seconds later by pressing his free hand against his mouth. Harry laughed and tilted his head to the side to make Louis’ hand fall off. “A big spider?” He repeated louder with a grin and Louis’ head snapped from the ceiling to his eyes in less than a second. 

“Harold Edward Styles.” Louis hissed and Harry laughed again and pulled back to roll over but something yanked back at his hand and ohmygod their hands were laced together. Harry paused mid laugh and stared with his lips slightly parted. Louis must have noticed because his eyes were following his gaze and Harry wondered why he didn’t look surprised. 

He couldn’t move. He didn’t want to move. Two seconds later he felt Louis hand tighten around his and Harry’s breath was audibly sucked back down his throat. Louis’ eyes flickered back up to Harry’s and what was going on? The look of confusion on his face was asking Harry something. So Harry squeezed back.

And Harry really wanted to tell Louis how he felt about him. He wanted to kiss his lip that he was pulling in between his teeth. He wanted to kiss his collarbones and take his words through his mouth and-

“Harry?” Louis squeezed his hand tighter this time and Harry pulled their laced fingers to his chest and clutched Louis’ fingers in his. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” He muttered as his thoughts ran over and over through his head. Louis slowly started to unlace his fingers but Harry just clutched tighter because ‘no Louis you started this and you are not getting out of this.’ And he didn’t want to let go. Never ever. Louis was a drug and when Harry got some of it he needed it for the rest of his life. Louis was going to ruin him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Louis’ voice was unsure and maybe he didn’t know what was going on either. 

“I want to hold your hand.” Harry slowly spoke his words, because was that okay to say? Louis’ hand was warm and sweaty in his and he wanted to kiss it. He wanted Louis to say ‘me too’ he wanted him to tell him this was okay. But it kinda wasn’t. Not under the circumstances. 

“Alright.” Louis responded and Harry felt like he had been punched in the face because what the hell did that even mean?

Harry half curled and half pressed himself against Louis because this was so awkward and he wanted to hide. Louis wrapped his free hand in Harry’s loose shirt and Harry wondered for a moment if he was going to push him away, but instead he was pulling his closer and they were suddenly chest to chest and Harry could feel Louis’ breath roll on his face.

Louis was death clutching Harry’s shirt in his fist and yanking him up so that their foreheads were pressed together. Harry let out a choked breath and wrapped his hand loosely around Louis’ wrist. It’s okay Harry. You’re okay. Breathe. Breathe.

“Breathe.” Louis’ breath was hot and Harry was closing his eyes. “It’s okay.” And oh god Harry loved this boy with a passion deep in his chest and maybe that was the feeling.

“What- what-” And Harry couldn’t even form words with his mouth. Louis could probably feel his words on his lips and their lips were so close; Harry could just simply- kiss him. But he couldn’t. God he couldn’t. He didn’t want to get a negative reaction because that would not go over well. 

Louis closed his eyes too and Harry wanted to get closer if it was even possible. He wanted to pull Louis on top of him and take off his shirt and kiss his stomach. He wanted to make him laugh and he wanted Louis to do the same to him. He would do anything Louis told him to do.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about Haz.” Louis’ voice went up an octave and Harry shut his eyes tighter because maybe this was all a dream. “It’s okay you can tell me.” 

Harry couldn’t get the words past his lips. He was scared. He was so scared that Louis was going to push him away. Just like everybody else who pulled him close. They always pushed him away. But here was Louis clutching his hand and shirt like it was a lifeline and Harry was doing the same. 

“I want to kiss you.” Harry didn’t mean to groan it out but he did and it was loud. Louis breathed out a long sigh and let his hand slide down underneath Harry’s shirt. 

“Yeah?” Louis’ hand ran along the skin on Harry’s stomach and the younger boy frowned because this was the last thing he expected to happen. Louis was supposed to kiss him now or push him away. Not tease him. Who did Louis think he was. But then Louis was rolling Harry onto his back and straddling him and ohmyfuckinggod. “What else?” Louis took his hand out from under his shirt and placed it on his chest; his fingers starting to drag right against the top of his bellybutton in a slow circular motion. His other hand still clutching Harry’s as he held it against the floor.

“I want to kiss your stomach and your neck and everywhere.” He whined low in his throat and Louis bent down to press a small kiss on his collarbone, causing the younger boy to gasp. He was being loud and he vaguely wondered if he should tell Louis to stop. His parents could probably hear them. Louis barely touched him and he was already straining up towards Louis to get closer. He needed so much more from this boy.

“What else?” Louis spoke against his collarbone causing Harry’s legs to come up in a bent position. 

“Fuck.” Harry groaned again out of pure frustration. He opened his eyes for the first time in what felt like forever and saw Louis grinning up at him like he was enjoying this. Like he was enjoying making Harry squirm. “Louis.” He whined and laced his fingers through the older boys hair to try and pull him back towards his neck. 

“Patience.” Louis muttered before pressing another kiss to his collarbone. Harry sucked in another breath and tightened his fist in Louis’ hair.

“More.” Harry closed his eyes again. “More, Louis please.” 

“God, you’re so impatient.” Louis laughed and Harry wanted to cry from happiness because he had made Louis do that. Louis wanted to do this to him. “I could always just stop.” He drew out his words slowly and Harry hissed before pulling Louis’ mouth down onto his without a second thought. If Harry could describe it as anything he would describe it as messy. But it probably had something to do with the fact that Louis’ hand had slipped from his stomach and he was falling onto him with his mouth as his only support. 

Louis pulled away quickly only to kiss him again on the same spot. Harry didn’t really know how to kiss but he had seen a lot of movies and it was easy enough. The kisses Louis gave were short and sweet and he left his lips to peck around his face and down his neck. Harry re-gripped his fingers in his hair to let Louis know that this was okay. He had never felt so good. Everything was so good.

Harry was so close to spilling those three words on the tip of his tongue. But all that came out was Louis name over and over again and he was being so incredibly loud. Louis swallowed his words with another kiss and a shh that vibrated through his entire being.

“Lou.” Harry whined again and arched his back up to meet with Louis who pushed him back down onto the floor.

“What do you want me to do?” Louis whispered and Harry’s mind flooded with so many thoughts all at once that his face scrunched up. “You can tell me, remember.”

“I hate to barge in but Johannah and I are trying to sleep.” Troy’s voice rang through Harry’s ears and suddenly Louis’ hand was pushing himself off of him and a large thud was banging against the floor.

Harry’s eyes shot open and he sat up not even a second later. His eyes locked with Louis’ Fathers and he had his eyebrows raised in an asking look. He turned his head to the side to see Louis looking absolutely terrified. He wanted to kiss that face away.

“Sorry Dad.” Louis gulped and Harry watched his throat bob as he took a large gulp. They were like thirteen year olds being caught selling drugs by the police or something. 

“Sorry Mr. Tomlinson.” Harry added but his voice came out strange and he had to cough a few times to get it to go back to normal. “Sorry.” He repeated.

“Yeah, yeah.” Troy gave them a sort of knowing look but Harry couldn’t tell whether it was good or bad. “It’s time for bed.” He looked over at Harry. “Underage kids do have a bedtime I believe?”

Harry felt his face turn red but he nodded none the less. He watched Louis nod to out of the corner of his eye. Troy’s gaze snapped over to Louis.

“And I’d like a word with you.” He tilted his head up and Louis pushed himself off of the floor without a word. “Go to bed Harry.” He added before placing his arm around Louis’ back and walking him into another room, leaving Harry to sit alone on the empty floor.


	2. part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s sad to think about how many lovely people are living every day of their lives hating themselves.” Louis shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “I think what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I'm sorry this is a year and a half late and I know nobody will probably still be here to read this but just in case here you go. (:

Harry was going to cry.

Louis was facing away from Harry and had his arm crossed over his chest. He had come in and climbed into bed without taking off any of his clothes. Harry didn’t say anything because the look on Louis’ face told him not to.

But he had to say something. He wanted to and Louis said he could tell him anything. He was so over flooded with emotions and not even a few months ago he wanted to die. Now he just wanted to be with this boy.

“Louis.” His voice was small and weak and you could hear the tears threatening to spill out. He watched Louis’ body stop moving for a moment before he was turning around to face Harry. He wanted to reach out and touch Louis’ face to make sure he was really there. “What did your Father say?” He decided for instead.

“Nothing important.” Louis muttered and Harry could barely make out his facial features in the dark. “Are you alright?” His voice lowered and Harry was reaching his hand out to grab Louis’. 

“No.” His voice cracked and suddenly Louis was pulling him into his body and wrapping his arms around him and Harry was letting out a shaky breath.

“Don’t cry.” Louis pleaded softly and Harry could see him frowning from this distance. “You have nothing to cry about.”

“I don’t want to go back.” Harry felt the first few warm tears roll down his face and he felt Louis rubbing them away quickly after with his palms. “I don’t want to go to school anymore. I don’t want to go home to my Mum.”

“She loves you Harry.” Louis pressed his lips to Harry’s forehead. “She loves you so much.” And that just made Harry want to cry more because he wanted Louis to tell him that. He wanted Louis to say he loved him. He wanted so much that he couldn’t have.

“Why are you kissing me?” Harry wiped at his own face and Louis pulled back to stare at him. 

“Because you wanted me to.” Louis spoke as if it was obvious but it was so much more than that.

“But do you want to.” Harry pulled at his shirt collar because Louis was too far away. Louis’ lips parted and Harry felt his eyes grow blurry because this was when he was going to say no. That he just felt bad for Harry this whole time and was trying to be nice. “Louis.” Harry’s voice was high and he closed his eyes.

“Yes.” Louis breathed out after a moment. “Yeah, Harry I do.” He brought his hand up again to wipe at Harry’s cheeks. “You’re amazing and bright and brilliant. I don’t even know how to explain it.” He was spilling the words out through his lips and Harry held onto each and every one of them.

“Sometimes it’s okay to not know.” Harry wiped at his own cheek because he was going to be okay. He could figure himself out. He could do this.

“Yeah.” Louis laughed but it was forced and he cupped his hand under Harry’s chin. “But there is nothing to cry about alright. I’m right here.”

And somehow that made Harry want to cry more because Louis cared about him so much. It was a true burning passion and he wanted Harry to be happy. He wanted him to smile and Harry didn’t understand it but it was okay to not know. 

-

Johannah made sure to give Harry a big goodbye hug in the early morning before they left; even though her hair was a mess and she hadn’t had her cup of tea yet.

“Take care of yourself.” She whispered into Harry’s ear and pulled away with a small smile. Harry returned it and nodded because he would. He could do it.

In the car Louis kept his fingers laced with Harry’s even when he fell asleep. They talked and talked about nothings and tomorrows and Harry’s head was filled with bliss. The thought of getting home never occurred to him until they were turning down Harry’s street and pulling up into the driveway.

“Ready?” Louis gave Harry’s hand a tight squeeze which Harry returned automatically. 

“No.” He muttered without making any move to get out of the car. “Can I sleep at your flat?”

“Harry.” Louis laughed quietly and shook his head. “You have to go home alright?” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“Do it for me?” Louis raised one of his eyebrows and smiled at him. Harry closed his eyes and sucked in a sharp breath of air because dammit Louis Tomlinson.

“Louis I-”

“I’ll see you in two days yeah?” Louis interrupted. "I have to get home." He added and as much as Harry wanted to stay, he forced himself to detach his hand from Louis' and open the door of the car and sling his backpack over his right shoulder.

"Thank you." He turned towards Louis before shutting the door. Louis nodded through the window and Harry stood there at the car door. Louis raised his eyebrows at him because what was Harry doing?

Harry awkwardly waved his hand because he really didn't want this to end. But then he was turning and walking up to his front door. He felt like he hadn't been home in forever and when he turned the lock and pushed the door open the entire house was dead silent. It wasn't home at all. It was cold and lonely and Harry dropped his backpack at the front door with a loud thud that echoed through the whole house.

The first thought that went through Harry's head was to have a cigarette. He didn't really feel the need to smoke when he was with Louis. But now here he was, walking up to his bedroom and plopping down on his arse on the deck outside with a cigarette in his mouth and his laptop on his lap.

It was going to be a quiet night.

-

"Well if it isn't Harold." Zayn's hands pressed against both sides of Harry's desk and gripped the edges. When Louis said Harold it came out so different from the bitter way Zayn spoke the word.

"Zayn." Harry breathed out because he hadn't thought about him much. 

"Did you miss me?" Zayn frowned and tilted his head to the side, but Harry could clearly tell he was joking. "Because I missed you." He smile was almost believable.

"Oh." Was all Harry could say because the last thing he wanted right now was to get his head shoved into the toilet. He just wanted to be left alone to think about Louis.

"And guess what you missed out on all last week." Zayn's teeth clenched together and his fists tightened and Harry felt the colour drain from his face.

"What?" Harry dared to speak because he was sure Zayn was going to give it to him.

"We're lab partners." Zayn smirked and as soon as Harry's life was getting better, Zayn Malik was there to change that. "I'm not happy about it either, but you don't need to give me that face." Zayn reached up one of his hands to snap in his face.

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” Zayn drew out the last syllable as his head turned to look around the room. It was like he didn’t want anyone to know he was talking to Harry Styles. “So I wanted to go over the syllabus with you tonight and some of the work I have already written out for it. It’s like Romeo and Juliet but with other people and it takes place in the present time. Your book is in my backpack and I can give it to you after school if we can meet up?” He tilted his head to the side and Harry’s mouth parted slightly. Did that really just come out of Zayn Malik’s mouth? He actually did some of the work already?

“What?” Harry frowned, because maybe Zayn was joking with him right now and he was about to pile all of the work onto him.

“We’re going to your house after school to work on our project.” His voice was quiet and it was clear that he didn’t want anyone to hear what he was saying.

“Why can’t we work on it at your house?” 

“Because my Mum is home and I don’t want anyone to know I’m friends with you.” Zayn was rising from his spot at the table. “And you’re Mum isn’t even home for you so we have more time to ourselves.” He cracked his knuckles and took a step back. 

“Oh.” Harry’s voice was barely above a whisper. He wasn’t going to argue with Zayn; he knew better than that.

“I’ll see you at lunch then.” Zayn winked at him. He winked like he just knew that would be enough to send Harry into a panic attack. Or at least that’s what Harry thought it was. He just needed to breathe. It wasn’t like he was dying or anything at the moment. But he kinda was.

-

“So, uh.” Harry was standing outside of the door to his bedroom. His hand was gripping the knob in a solid grip because he had left his cigarettes on his bed and god knows what was in his bathroom. “Could you just like-”

“Open the door jesus christ Harry.” Zayn replaced Harry’s hand with his own to open the door. He pushed it open and automatically walked inside. Harry stood at the door with his lips shut and he wasn’t breathing. He didn’t know what Zayn was going to say.

“Zayn.” Harry squeaked it out in a small breath. The other boy looked over at him with a confused look on his face before plopping his backpack down on his bed and scanning his room. 

“Dude.” Zayn picked up the cigarettes with his hand and brought them up to his face. Harry was so done. He was going to be judged for the rest of his life and he was never going to live anything down. “Where did you get these?” He questioned and Harry took a step inside of his own bedroom.

“The store?” Harry shrugged and tried to act cool. Zayn was cool right? 

“Did you steal them?” Zayn raised his eyebrows and started to open the package and fuck.

“Yes.” Harry clutched the right strap of his backpack in a death grip; waiting for Zayn to do something with it. He was not expecting the other boy to put one in his mouth.

“It’s a metaphor.” Zayn joked and took another one out to hand it to Harry. “Where is your lighter?” He twirled the stick around in his hand until Harry finally got himself together to take it from him.

“Probably under my pillow.” Harry shakily took the stick from Zayn and clutched it in his hand. Zayn immediately reached his hand under his pillow until he grabbed the lighter and flicked it open. He lit the cigarette and Harry held his breath again. 

“How do you do it?” Zayn questioned as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs and Harry finally took a deep breath as Zayn handed him the lighter. 

“Do what?” Harry flicked the lighter to life and lit the end of the stick quickly. 

“Steal the pack?” Zayn squinted his eyes at him like Harry was the stupidest thing in the entire world. 

“Oh.” Harry exhaled and watched Zayn start to unzip his backpack. “I could show you.” His voice lowered and Zayn stopped his movements to look up at Harry with a smirk. 

“Alright.” Zayn tilted his chin up and went back to getting his binder out of his backpack. “That’s pretty cool Styles.” He muttered before opening his binder and flipping through the pages. Harry let go of another breath of smoke before he decided to sit down on the bed across from Zayn.

“So like what are we doing?” Harry was starting to feel calmness roll over his body and he blinked his eyes a couple of times before looking back up at Zayn.

“I wrote out the first ten pages of the project without you.” Zayn’s voice was laced with an annoyed tone that Harry barely caught onto. “You should probably read the entire book tonight because I read the whole thing last week in one day. It’s not that hard.” 

Harry’s brain steered away from what Zayn was saying, because he was really confused. Zayn actually did his homework? He already wrote ten whole pages on his own? 

“You do your homework?” Harry whispered and Zayn paused what he was saying and looked up at Harry with an annoyed look on his face.

“Of course.” He hissed and Harry’s chest tightened because he really didn’t want to be punched in the face. “I want to go to Uni. Don’t you?” His hand tightened into a fist and Harry’s eyes flickered down to watch the movement. 

“I don’t know.” Harry answered honestly and took another drag from the cigarette. He really needed it right now or he was probably going to have a panic attack.

Zayn shook his head back and forth and looked back down to gather up a few papers before handing them to Harry. “You get these twenty assignments. There were thirty eight but I decided to give you two more if that’s alright?” He turned to another section of his binder before handing a book to Harry. “Read this tonight, because I didn’t come here to watch you read.” He shut his binder and pulled one of the pages on top of it.

“Um.” Harry muttered and flipped the book over. Zayn looked up at him and blew smoke at his face. Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“What?” Zayn hissed and Harry was probably that really confused annoying kid to him. “Can you not do it?”

“Yeah I can it’s just-”

“We need to get to work.” Zayn moved one of the pages from his lap, onto his binder. Harry found the one that looked the easiest and placed it on his own. Zayn started to unravel his headphones from his pocket and plug them into his phone.

“Why does Mary want to die?” Harry muttered the first question under his breath. Zayn glanced up at him before inserting one of his headphones in, and wasn’t Zayn supposed to be helping him?

“Figure it out.” Zayn hissed and looked back down at his paper.

“But I didn’t read the book.” Harry whined because he never really cared about homework and actually doing it was stressful.

“Why do you want to die?” Zayn tilted his head to the side and smirked. Harry’s chest froze and his mouth opened and closed a couple times. 

“What?” Harry choked out the word because what was Zayn even talking about?

“I see you at the office you know.” Zayn pressed his cigarette against Harry’s bed sheets and took another one out of the pack. “The other day you were there and you were crying your eyes out.”

“What?” Harry’s mouth hung open and his eyes squinted because what? “Why were you there?” He gulped and tried to let his fist unclench but he was stiff.

“Mum thinks I have a drug problem. Which I guess I do, but it isn’t really a problem.” His smile curved up more and Harry felt his chest tighten up. “You come in there both of the times I go in and I was pretty sure you saw me one time but I guess you didn’t. You just strode past me. You must have some pretty serious problems if you want to kill yourself.” 

“Stop.” Harry pleaded. 

“I didn’t even know you did but the look on your face.” Zayn let out a small puff of smoke as he laughed. “I could help you do it.” 

“Stop talking.” Harry raised the binder in his hands and held it up in the air. Zayn didn’t even flinch.

“You gonna hit me with that Styles?” He questioned innocently and Harry felt like he was in one of those action movies he watched with Louis. He clutched the binder tighter and slowly let his arms fall back down into his lap limply. “Thought so.” Zayn laughed again and looked back down at the worksheet.

“But-”

“Hey I thought you said ‘stop talking’ right?” Zayn’s voice came out quietly as he scribbled words at the top of the page. Harry’s eyes widened and he regretted putting the binder back down because he would really like to hit Zayn Malik in the face with it.

So for the next two hours Harry used his laptop to look up the answers to the questions and Zayn managed to get through half a page of cigarettes and take two of Harry’s extras. Harry didn’t say anything as Zayn shoved them into his backpack and zipped up the zipper pouch.

“How was the party for you then?” Zayn suddenly spoke in what felt like forever and Harry flinched noticeably at the sound.

“What party?” Harry blanked for a moment before realising what Zayn was talking about. Zayn’s grin grew wider because Harry felt the realisation dawn on his face.

“Did you have fun?” 

And no Harry did not have fun that night. It could have possibly been the most confusing night he had ever encountered. “You roofied me.” Harry’s words died in his throat because he really didn’t want to talk about this.

“You’re gullible Styles.” Zayn shook his head and pushed his binder off to the side. He put another cigarette in his mouth and lit is simultaneously. “Tell me,” He paused his words to lean forward. “What went on? Did you meet any girls? Or guys?” He added with a wink and Harry’s breath caught in his throat again. Zayn was just messing with him and Harry had to go over that in his head multiple times before he finally shook his head.

“Stop it.” Harry gritted his teeth together.

“What about your little boyfriend that came to pick you up?” Zayn smiled in satisfaction on the effect he was having on Harry. “Is he your boyfriend or?” He tilted his head to the side like he was genuinely confused. Harry didn’t respond because he honestly didn’t know what Louis was right now. Zayn’s smile grew at his silence. “Does he fuck you then?” He whispered under his breath. “Every night? Every morning? Are you his little-”

“Shut the fuck up.” Harry heard the words leave his mouth before he actually registered them and he didn’t feel his arm come up until Zayn caught his fist in his hand.

“Wow.” Zayn chuckled and bent Harry’s hand backwards until the other boy was pulling it away. “You actually threw a punch. Good for you Styles.” 

Harry wondered what Louis would think of him. His wrist was throbbing and he didn’t even hit anything. He got up on his knees to knock Zayn over but ten seconds later his face was pressed down against his bed.

“Give it one more go.” Zayn tightened his fist into Harry’s hair and brought him back up. “I won’t do anything to stop you this time.” His smiled and sat back on his butt.

Harry’s teeth were clenching and he didn’t think he could hate anyone more than he hated Zayn. He hated him. Was that the word he was looking for. Probably.

Harry didn’t hit him the way Zayn was expecting. Instead he reached his fist out and pulled Zayn to him by his shirt collar.

“Listen to me.” Harry hissed through his teeth. “Don’t you ever fucking talk about Louis ever.” He yanked Zayn’s body hard at the ‘ever’ and Zayn froze in his place. Harry’s voice was shaking slightly and he prayed that his body would keep it’s shit together. He was trying to prove his point and he didn’t want to get in the way of himself. “I don’t fucking care if you make fun of me, but if you ever say anything about Louis again. Anything. I will make sure I hurt you.” 

And that wasn’t entirely true because Harry did care what Zayn said about him. He just didn’t want him to talk about Louis. 

He slowly released his grip on Zayn’s shirt and the other boy leaned away from the touch with wide eyes. Harry let out a shaky breath and pointed to the door.

“Leave.”

Zayn didn’t respond and silently stuffed his things back into his bag. Harry sat down on his hands because he was shaking. Why couldn’t he stop shaking?

“See you tomorrow then?” Zayn stood at the doorway with a cigarette in his mouth and his backpack slung over one shoulder. Harry gave one nod and Zayn was gone. He didn’t bother to show him out.

-

Harry didn’t miss Zayn the next time he walked into the Physiologists office. The tan skinned boy glanced up from his phone to meet eyes with him. The shared eye contact for a while and it felt like one of those slow motion movies where Harry was walking and Zayn was staring. 

‘The killer wears black.’ Harry felt like the spy in the movies he watched with Louis. Except now Zayn was the killer and Harry was about to get shot for the third time in a row. Zayn was the one to break it by looking back down at his phone.

It took Harry approximately eight more steps to reach Louis’ office door, and when he was sure Zayn wasn’t looking at him, he knocked.

Louis opened the door a few seconds later with a grin on his face and Harry wanted to melt. He wanted to kiss him again. Harry slid inside quickly and shut the door behind him. Before Louis could even question why he was in such a hurry, Harry was grabbing his shirt and kissing him. 

Louis squeaked and the sound traveled down Harry’s throat. It was unexpected. Harry just needed to do it. He needed to feel Louis. The older boys hand grasped at Harry’s chin and he tilted his head back to look him in the eyes.

“As much as I would love to do that right now, this is therapy and kissing doesn’t fall under that category unfortunately.” Louis’ voice was soft and Harry had to blink a couple times before the words actually processed in his brain.

“But-” 

“And I’m sure your Mum would love to know what she is spending her money on.” He added. “But we could always watch a movie afterwards?” He raised his eyebrow up and Harry managed to nod his head up and down.

Louis pressed a kiss to Harry’s nose before walking back over to his desk. The younger boy was frozen in his spot for a moment. That was not how he expected that to go at all. Why wasn’t he allowed to kiss Louis now. Maybe he was too young to understand. But Louis was young too. That’s not fair at all.

“I’m fine today.” Harry stated after standing in place for almost a minute.

Louis looked up from his binder he was flipping through. “That’s good.” He grabbed a pen off the desk and plopped down on his chair.

“No.” Harry closed his mouth and gulped down his saliva. “Like, I’m good. With this.” He motioned with his arms to indicate he was talking about the room. “Like I don’t need it right now.”

Louis’ lips parted slightly and it looked like he didn’t know what to say. “It’s only for an hour.”

“An hour too long.” Harry whined, but walked forward none the less and sat down on his couch. “I can’t do this.”

“Using your words is always a good thing.” Louis muttered under his breath. Harry’s eyes snapped up and he glared. Why was Louis being so- so-

“That’s not really what I meant.” That sounded really awkward and he probably just made this whole thing awkward. But Louis just shrugged like he was joking or something and started to write things down on his notepad.

“So you’re doing fine today.” Louis noted out loud and Harry let himself sink back into the couch because he was going to be here for a while.

“Do you write what I say?” 

“Nope.” He popped his lips together. “Well sorta.” 

“Then what do you do?” Harry was just saying whatever came to his mind because he really didn’t want to talk about himself. Louis probably noticed because he slightly shook his head, but didn’t say anything. 

“Doodle.” Louis spun his notepad around to show drawings of stickfigures and cats. Very little words littered the page here and there and most weren’t even about him. LOUIS stood in big bubble letters at the top of the page. 

“How long have you been working on that page?” 

“A while.”

“As in?”

“Harry.” 

The younger boy raised his eyebrows at Louis as if he didn’t know what was going on. That he wasn’t trying to shy away from the subject. The subject that happened to be him. His feelings to be exact. Like who the hell actually wanted to talk about those things when you could kiss Louis Tomlinson instead. Nobody.

“Yeah.” Harry felt his cheeks turning red because now Louis was glaring at him. But he wasn’t mad. Harry could see it on his face. “I want to go to your flat.” He tried again in a smaller tone. “And talk to your cat. It misses me.”

“Stop changing the subject.” Louis shook his head. “Seriously Harry if you want this to work then you need to focus.”

“But I don’t want to.” Harry whined a bit in the back of his throat and let himself fall onto the side of the couch so he could pull the pillow over his face.

“But you have to.” Louis hummed sweetly and Harry wanted to punch himself. The only thing that had happened in the last two days was Zayn. He wasn’t going to talk about that. “So you’re fine.” He repeated. “How are you doing?” 

“Great.” Harry always said the same thing but it just wasn’t enough today. “Except for the fact that I’m very confused about what is going on in my life.”

“Yeah?” Louis looked surprised. This was the first time Harry actually said anything at the office without any prodding. 

“You-” Harry paused himself because Louis’ eyes were staring into his soul and how was he supposed to talk about his problem if it was right in front of him. “You’re my problem.” He gulped down his spit that was trying to stop him from speaking. “You and your freaking-” He paused again. He couldn’t remember what he was about to say and now he felt extremely dumb.

“Hey.” Louis set his pen down the pad. Harry paused his hands because he was scratching at his jeans. Stop. He just needed to take a deep breath. Everything needed to stop being so stressful. He wanted to go back to the cabin. 

“I need to go.” He pressed the subject back in between them. “I don’t want to talk right here. I’ll talk somewhere else or like- I can’t breathe.” He didn’t know what to say. He was trying for Louis. He was trying to talk and speak and use words.

“Okay. Okay, I get it.” Louis was placing his notepad on the coffee table and pushing himself out of his seat. “Let’s go, yeah?” He reached out his hand for Harry to take and the younger boy automatically took it. 

-

Louis was beautiful.

Harry figures that, that isn’t a word to describe a boy but Louis was just beautiful. He wanted to watch Louis do things for the rest of forever. He wanted to give him things and he wanted to make him smile.

“I am so very fond of Indie music. It’s incredible.” Louis was turning up the volume with a flick of his wrist and music was suddenly blaring throughout the car. Harry took a deep breath and nodded his head because he was staring at Louis. 

The windows were rolled down seconds later and Louis was speeding down an abandoned road. Harry didn’t even know where they were but he could care less. It was almost like Louis was trying to distract him from whatever was bothering him this morning. Or maybe he was trying to distract himself because ten seconds later he was screaming at the music and throwing his head back. Harry silently prayed that he would look back at the road because now they were going almost one hundred miles per hour.

“Oh my god.” Harry clutched at the door handle but it wasn’t heard over the music.

“And when you say you won't forget me  
Well I can tell you that's untrue  
'cause every day since you left me  
I've thought less and less of you

And I've worn out all the reasons  
To keep on knocking at your door  
Could be the changing of the seasons  
But I don't love you anymore.”

Louis sang along with the music and Harry closed his eyes and tried to breathe in through his nose. He imagined that Louis was his boyfriend for a moment and that he was a happy person. 

“As you stood frozen  
In deep uncertainty.”

And if anything couldn’t make Louis Tomlinson any more perfect to Harry Styles, his voice just had to be one of an angels. Harry glanced back over at him and Louis did the same and smiled at him. He laughed too but Harry couldn’t hear it. He couldn’t even hear himself think. But that was okay. Everything was okay.

Harry released the breath he was holding and Louis pressed down harder on the gas pedal. His hair was whipping him in the face and he was laughing like he was the only one there. He was a light in a dark room. 

“You said come back and spend the night  
Come back and spend the night  
With me.”

Louis continued to sing along and Harry closed his eyes and thought about motion. 

-

“I don’t even like these movies.” Harry was clutching at Louis’ cat who was beyond willing to be held. They were watching the third movie on Louis’ bed and Harry still didn’t know what it was called. 

“You’re just scared.” Louis pushed at his shoulder without turning to him because he was too caught up in the movie.

“No seriously.” Harry took the cat under it’s armpits and pressed it against Louis’ face. “Lewis please.” He raised his voice a few octaves higher to show the cat was talking. “Please get your guest a glass of water.”

“You know where the cups are.” He rushed it out and leaned closer to the television. Harry groaned and let his body fall against Louis’ shoulder. “You’re seventeen jesus christ.” He spoke in a hushed tone.

“I can hear you.”

“I know.” 

Harry frowned but it turned into a smile and he rolled over onto his back. Louis’ bed was so much softer than his. He wouldn’t mind living here.

“What’s your cats name?” It suddenly dawned on him that he didn’t know. Louis finally removed his eyes from the screen to watch the cat for a second.

“Cat.”

“What?” Harry pushed his feet against the headboard so that his head was hanging off the bed. “Why cat?”

“Because she is a cat.”

“Fascinating.” He nodded and his body started to slip off the bed like a snake. Louis wrapped one of his hands around Harry’s ankles and the younger boy was unexpectedly stopped from moving. His head was two inches from touching the ground. “Let go.” Harry laughed and yanked at his foot but there was no effort made to let go.

“Can you do a sit up?” The movie in the background was either paused or turned off but Harry couldn’t hear it anymore.

“A what?” He felt the blood rushing into his head and his hands grabbed at the sheets. Louis body was suddenly on top of his lower half and he was looking down at Harry. It was an uncomfortable position.

“Pull your body up.” He stated simply. 

“Why? What?” Harry pressed his hand against his head and wished for his blood to stop doing the thing. “I can’t do a sit up.” He weakly tried and it failed miserably. Louis laughed lightly from above him and Harry decided he had enough blood in his brain.

He gripped and Louis’ shoulders and attempted to pull himself up but then Louis starting slipping and neither of them had time to think before they were both on the floor. A thud rang through the house and Louis was laughing into his sweatshirt.

“I am quite amazing at sit ups.” Harry didn’t know what to say. Louis let his laughing die down and let his head rest against his chest. 

“If I ever got a dog I would probably name it dog.” Louis’ voice bounced up and down with every word he said.

“Fascinating.”

Louis took a deep breath in and let his face turn back into Harry’s sweatshirt. The other boy sat still and tried to focus on the color of Louis’ ceiling. He was like smelling him or something. Which wasn’t weird at all. He just wanted to know what went through Louis’ head. 

“If I got a cat, or a dog for that matter, I wouldn’t name it after something as plain as itself.” Harry’s voice was quiet and the song from earlier was replaying in his head over and over again. “I’d probably name my cat Penguin or something.” 

“Penguin?” Louis repeated the name into his sweatshirt and laughed. “Fascinating.”

“I am a fascinating person.” He raised his eyebrow to the ceiling even though Louis wasn’t watching his face. He was joking but Louis nodded against his chest.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “It’s amazing that we are laying on the floor instead of the bed which is right next to us, might I remind you.”

“Sassy.” Harry felt his muscles tighten and Louis probably could too. He could probably hear his heart beating. “Have you been paying attention to the movies? You know what happens in bed.” He joked quietly because Louis payed attention more than him.

Louis’ head suddenly rose and he stared Harry dead in the face. “Murder?” He squinted his eyes at him like Harry was crazy. Okay, maybe he hadn’t paid enough attention to the movies.

“No.” Harry let his hand glide through Louis’ hair because he wanted to. He held his breath as he did it and Louis’ face relaxed. 

“Oh.” 

“Why is this happening right now?” Harry closed his eyes and grasped onto Louis’ tuffs of hair. “Why are we doing this?” He didn’t understand why Louis was letting him. Why did Louis like him so much? Why did he spend 98% of his life with him.

“There is a song called ‘What You Know’ and it’s by the same people we listened to in the car today.” Louis answered. “There could be many possible reasons to what the song means but I think it’s about you.”

Harry squinted at him because who wrote a song about him? “Wait.” His voice was quiet. Maybe Louis was clear on what he was saying and Harry was just a shit listener. “What?”

“Let me finish.” He hissed and pressed his finger against Harry’s lips. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.“

“I’ve heard that quote before Lou-”

“Let me finish.” Louis’ palm pressed flat against his mouth and Harry turned his head away laughing. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about yet.” His breath was ghosting over Harry’s face as he spoke and even though Harry was uncomfortable, he didn’t want to move. 

“Okay.” The word was hardly heard as silently as he spoke it.

“The song talks about a boy falling in love.” He starts again. “With someone he barely knows and once he gets to know them he realises how horribly lonely they are and he wants to fill that gap in their life because he loves them, but he flakes out because he doesn’t think he’s capable of doing that.”

“Oh.” Harry slowly let his fingers drag across the back of Louis’ scalp. He could do that right?

“He begins to understand that they are horribly lonely and he wants to fill that gap in their life. So he entertains the idea of being there for them.” He pauses for a moment to stare at Harry to see if he was really paying attention. (which he was) “Again, he gives up, because he thinks he’s not good enough and that someone else would give them what they really needed. But he can’t stop. He wants to help and he wants them to be aware that he cares about their suffering.”

Harry guessed that Louis was talking about him. He was the person who was suffering and Louis was the one who wanted to be there for him.

“Also, from the way he sings, it doesn’t seem resentful or bitter, but very sweet and sincere. I believe he is a compassionate person who wants to help the person he cares about, but just doesn’t think he’s good enough.” Louis’ voice was soundlessly melting into Harry’s skin. The soft tone in his voice indicated to Harry that he needed to listen; that this was important.

“I want to listen to the son-”

“Harry.” Louis hissed but he was laughing quietly. “Please.”

“Sorry, sorry.” His stomach was twisting back into that comfortable warm feeling.

“It’s sad to think about how many lovely people are living every day of their lives hating themselves.” Louis shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “I think what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.”

And oh, Harry could relate to that. He mapped out everything in his head and whoa. “You’re crushing my ribs and I want to listen to that song.” Harry muttered and Louis started laughing loud.

“Are you even listening to me? Or are you thinking about the song?” He rolled off of Harry’s body and lifted himself off the floor. 

“A little bit of both.” He sat himself up and crossed his legs over one another. “But I don’t understand how that relates to why you were kissing me.” 

Louis paused his movement of plugging his IPod into the docking system to look back at him. “You have no idea how many times I’ve wondered what it would be like to kiss you.” 

Harry obstreperously choked on his spit and struggled for breath for about three seconds after. He ducked his head down because he couldn’t breathe. “Oh my god.” He coughed out and Louis grinned at him. “You- you- I just.” He pressed his eyes against his palms and counted to ten to make sure this was real and he wasn’t having a wonderful dream that involved Louis Tomlinson.

Music wound it’s way through Harry’s ears and he finally opened his eyes to see Louis sitting across from him. Neither of them said anything as the song started playing. It was good but Harry would have to look up the lyrics later and really look at them.

“In a few weeks I will get time  
To realise it's right before my eyes  
And I can take it if it's what I want to do.”

“Indie.” Harry noted and had to look down because Louis was staring at him.

“And I can tell just what you want  
You don't want to be alone  
You don't want to be alone.”

Louis’ cat seemed to be watching Harry too. The younger boy felt a calm sitting with Louis. He wanted to do this every night.

“I wouldn't test you, I'm not the best you could have attained  
Why try anything?  
I will get there, just remember I know.”

The song ended about a minute later and Louis looked like he was holding himself back from asking about the song.

“It’s wonderful.” He stared right back at Louis and he almost wanted to cry for a moment. Not in a bad way or anything. But Louis was breathtaking with a smile on his face and he was causing it.

-

“This is the best Indie Rock you will ever hear.” Harry explained as Louis drove him back to his flat. 

“Yeah?” Louis glanced over at him before looking back at the road.

“The Neighbourhood is the greatest.” He turned up the volume as loud as Louis had it earlier. Harry felt a stirring in his chest and he wanted to yell. Louis had all the windows rolled down in the car and Harry found himself standing up on his seat. 

“What are you doing?” Louis yelled at him from over the music but Harry didn’t acknowledge him. He stuck his head out of sunroof and the wind smacked him in the face. He closed his eyes for a second and opened them to blurs of the world beside him. He felt like he was in that wallflower movie, but without the bridge and it wasn’t infinite. He knew he was going to have to continue on with his life. 

“I'm having trouble in believing,  
And I just started seeing,  
Light at the beginning of the tunnel, but he tells me that I'm dreaming,  
When he talks I hear his ghosts, every word they say to me,  
I just pray the wires aren't coming-”

Harry mouthed the words with closed eyes as he thought about LouisLouisLouis. His head was still screaming at him but it was telling him to be happy.

-

“Pretty isn’t everything you punk ass.” Harry felt his eyes go wide as he mouthed the words towards Louis’ general direction. He was full out pretend singing and it had never felt so good. 

“You’re good.” Louis rolled his eyes but Harry barely caught it because it was so dark. He ignored his statement and continued to throw his head back and use his hand as a microphone.

A couple minutes later Louis was turning the music down because they were in front of Harry’s house. He turned the car off and got out before Harry could even do anything. He opened the passenger door for Harry and held his hand out for him to take.

Louis ended up walking him to his door and knocking on the door for him. Which wasn’t necessary because his Mum didn’t even come home until the middle of the night.

“What time is it?” Harry asked quietly as he reached under the mat for the key.

“Almost one in the morning.” Louis sighed and Harry froze.

“One?” How could he have lost track of time so easy. He spent all day listen to music with Louis and finishing the third movie he wanted to watch and spending a great amount of time in the record store.

The front door opened seconds later to reveal Harry’s Mum; who he was sure was having a heart attack. She looked at him first and then turned to Louis. Harry wondered if she was going to yell at him for a second, but she never really yelled.

“Louis.” She sounded surprised. Like she expected her son to be alone or dead, and not with his therapist at one in the morning. “How are you?”

“Tired. How are you Anne?”

He was trying to be professional around her and it made Harry want to puke. He wanted to take his Mum by the shoulders and tell her how much he loved Louis. He thought about that often but it was definitely out of the picture. She wouldn’t take that well.

“Alright.” She sighed like there was something more she wanted to say. “It’s just that my son won’t tell me where he is.” She glanced at Harry but there was a forced smile. “Just worried about him.”

“Mum-” Harry started to talk because he didn’t want her to start talking about her problems. He would text her next time. It’s not like she had asked him to say anything before this.

“I’ll make sure he sends a text next time.” Louis glanced over at Harry and everything felt so uniform. Anne nodded and smiled at both of them. Harry guessed that she was having another bad day. She never said anything, but it was pretty obvious.

“Would you two like to come inside?” She stepped to the side to allow them in but Louis shook his head.

“I should get-”

“Please.” Harry said it under his breath but Louis noticed. He assumed his Mum did too because she was glancing at him. “I have to give you something.”

“Harry, Louis needs to get home.” Her smile was indenting on her face, but she looked so tired.

“No it’s okay. He can show me.” Louis returned the smile Anne was giving him and followed Harry inside. The curly haired boy clasped Louis’ hand in his as soon as his Mum was out of sight and pulled him upstairs.

They got into Harry’s room and he shut the door behind them before looking through the pile of clutter on his bed. He grabbed the book he was supposed to have read and shook it until a tape fell out.

“Do you really have something to give me or do you just want me here?” Louis was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He looked like he needed sleep but there was a small grin on his face.

Harry held up the silver tape and reached over to grab one of the many disk holders he had bought the other day. Louis didn’t say anything but he looked like he was about to laugh. Probably because Harry was searching around like he didn’t know what he was doing.

“Arctic Monkeys, Vampire Weekend, The 1975 and many other great artists that sound brilliant together.” He let his hand extend the disk and Louis pushed himself off the wall to take it from him. “The most mainstream mix tape I have ever made.” He added.

“Mainstream is good.” Louis yawned and ran his hand through his hair. “You should listen to Funeral Suits. They’re not what you call mainstream.”

“You listen to good music.” Harry yawned back because it was contagious. Or so he’s heard.

“As do you Harold.” Louis finished and it grew quiet as they stared at one another. Harry cursed his body for feeling tired. It never did what he wanted it to do. He guessed that Louis was going to have to leave so he stepped forward and held out his arms. Louis caught on and enveloped him in a hug. 

Harry buried his face into Louis’ jacket and inhaled deeply. He wanted his world to smell like Louis Tomlinson. It was like the fire and the ocean colliding into one scent that was spreading through his nostrils. Maybe that’s why Louis was breathing in his scent. It was warming.

“I don’t want you to go.” Harry whined into Louis’ shoulder. The older boy held him in a tight embrace. “I want you to stay here.” He was just letting his thoughts flow through his mouth without any thought and it was nice.

Louis let out a small laugh. “I have to do paperwork tomorrow. I wish I could, but my laptop is at home.”

“You can borrow my laptop. Please.” He gripped at the bottom of Louis’ shirt to suggest he wasn’t going to let go.

“You’re Mum would wonder why I was here all night.” Louis’ voice held a tint of worry. “I don’t think I can.” He tried to say it sweetly but Harry wasn’t going to take that. 

“Nooooo.” Harry whined louder and Louis shushed him this time. “You can stay. My Mum doesn’t care. I promise.” He wondered for a second if Louis didn’t want to be here. If all of this was a lie. The thought was unexpected and his hands crushed into fists. It was quiet and Harry held his breath.

“I swear if your Mum gets mad at me-” Louis started but Harry was crushing him into a harder hug and laughing into his clothes. Louis stumbled back but didn’t let go of him. “I am making a wrong decision right now. I can feel it. You are a bad influence on me.” He joked as Harry finally let go of him and fell onto the bed.

“We are like bad influences on each other.” That sounded way better in Harry’s head but Louis just smiled at him and he smiled back.

-

“You’re going on the floor in the next ten seconds.” Harry grumbled and pushed against Louis’ phone with his hand. Louis was doing something on his cellular device and the light was just too bright to sleep with.

“Then scoot away.” He responded and rested his head on Harry’s hair. They were spooning. Is that what that was called? Harry had taken his sleeping meds instead of throwing them into the toilet like he usually did. Louis was watching him in the mirror and it would be disappointing if he didn’t take them.

“I don’t even know what is going on right now.” He mumbled into the sheets. Louis’ elbows were digging into his ribs but he had never felt so comfortable in his life. Other than the fact that there was a bright light shining in his face. He was so tired. He needed to sleep in the next minute or he was going to faint. “Turn the brightness down.”

“It’s all the way down already.” He responded and Harry verbally groaned. “I’m done though.” He slid his phone into off mode and threw it onto the floor before wrapping his arms around the younger boy. Harry’s back was pressing against Louis’ stomach and it was hot, but the covers were all the way down to their knees.

Harry wanted to say those three words he had been dying to say but they were still stuck on the tip of his tongue. He was so tired and he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.

“I feel like this should be awkward but it isn’t.” His face was half pressed into the bed sheets. Louis hummed in agreement but it was quiet and he guessed that Louis was trying to sleep as well.

“Sleep well.” Louis spoke in a low tone that vibrated into Harry’s hair. This time Harry was the one to hum. He took one of Louis’ hands in his to make sure this was really happening; that he wasn’t just going crazy.

“Thank you.” He didn’t realise it came out of his mouth but he was too tired to move. Louis squeezed his hand in response. “I want to go to the coffee shop tomorrow morning and eat a bagel.” He was pushing random things through his mouth just so he could stay in this reality. He wouldn’t eat a bagel if he was given one. He would have to be really hungry to eat something. 

“I thought you wanted to go to sleep.” Louis seemed to be the one who was trying to sleep now.

“Now I’m hungry.” He let his eyes flutter open into complete darkness. “But I’m not.” He stopped to think about what he had just said. 

“Maybe you’re thirsty then.” Louis suggested.

“I am.” Harry agreed quietly. “Can you get me something?”

“Fuck.” Louis’ voice was barely heard, but ten seconds later he was getting up and leaving the room to go downstairs. Harry sighed and rolled over onto his back. It was dark except for the small light coming from his open door. His Mum probably fell asleep with the television on again.

Louis was sleeping with him. Not sex sleeping but cuddling sleeping. Harry felt so warm without the blankets. His bed wasn’t as soft as Louis’ but it was good enough. God, his life was so much better than good with Louis.

“Water for the queen.” Louis’ voice rang through his ears as he shut the door. Harry sat up in bed and barely made out the outline of his figure.

“Thanks.” He mumbled as he took the plastic cup from Louis’ hands.

Louis didn’t answer him, but fell down on the bed instead and breathed in the smell of Harry’s bed. It was quiet as Harry sipped on his water and he focused his thoughts on sleep and trying not to slurp his drink. 

He set the cup on the bedside table and thought about going out for a smoke but decided against it. It wasn’t worth it and he was tired enough already. He popped his knuckles and let himself fall down onto Louis’ back.

“It’s not happening.” Louis mumbled and Harry barely caught it. “I can’t breathe.” He scooted out from under Harry so that they were laying side by side; pressed against each other.

Harry wanted to say something about how he felt earlier, but it was too late for sarcasm and it was a time for sleep. Louis’ hand rested on top of Harry’s and he seemed to be out in less than five minutes. But now Harry had too many thoughts on his mind and he was staring at Louis closely. If starring in the dark counted as closely anyways.

His lips were parted slightly and his fingers barely twitched against Harry’s. His hair was jumbled into a hot mess but Harry had never seen anyone look so lovely.

-

Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.

Harry sat down on his deck two hours later with a cigarette between his lips and his feet swinging in between the railing. His head wouldn’t fit through the rails so he let himself sag forward. 

He thought that he would be able to sleep, but he kept his hopes too high. Sleep meds didn’t work as well as he thought. His body was hot but he needed to keep his sweatshirt on. 

There was someone who left their light on in the house across the street. Everything was foggy and he was relieved if anything. But at the same time he wanted to go back to bed with Louis. The older boy was spread out on the bed clutching a pillow to his chest. It made Harry’s chest warm.

“It’s hot out here.” 

Harry heard Louis’ voice before the screen door opened. He didn’t turn around but he felt his body jump. He wasn’t expecting to wake up Louis. He held his breath as the older boy picked up the lighter to sit down next to him.

He knew Louis was going to say something to him. 

“What are you doing out here?” His voice was laced with sleep and tiredness, but he wasn’t mad. Which was unexpected.

“Waiting for the sun to come up.” He answered and dared to take a glance over at Louis. He had only slept for a couple hours and Louis probably wasn’t very happy with him. 

“Are you alright?” Louis turned his head to look at him but Harry didn’t look back. He expected Louis to take the cigarette from his hands and tell him to get back in the house. He promised not to do it anymore and here he was.

“Yeah.” His shouldered shrugged and he bravely took another drag from his cigarette. Louis just watched him with tired eyes. His throat felt tight and he wondered if he was going to cry. “I’m sorry.” His voice was scratchy and he wished that Louis wouldn’t have woken up. He knew Louis found smoking absolutely disgusting, but Harry was trying to stop; he really was.

The last thing he expected Louis to do was take the pack off his lap and take one out. Harry turned and looked at him because what was he doing?

“Louis?” 

“We’re really the coffee-and-cigarettes generation, when you think about it.” He placed the cigarette between his lips and held the lighter to his mouth. Harry saw his hands shake slightly as the lighter flickered and he lit the end of it.

“Louis.” Harry’s fingers twitched because he wanted to reach up and smack Louis in the face.

“Oh god-” Louis didn’t finish what he was saying before he was coughing and pressing on his upper chest. He removed the cigarette from his mouth before pressing it against the floorboards in the midst of his coughing and handing it back to Harry. “It burns.” He hissed before pressing his forehead against one of the rails.

“Why did you do that?” Harry didn’t want Louis to touch them. He didn’t want Louis to be near anything that could hurt him. 

“Why did you?” Louis voice was weak and he was suddenly pressing his hands against his forehead. His coughs continued for another two minutes and Harry watched and thought about his question.

“It’s addicting. Didn’t they ever teach you about that in therapist school?” He didn’t mean for it to come out rude but it sort of did. Louis was still trying to clear his throat as he shook his head.

“Psychology study.” He corrected. “And no. But I’m dying.” He pounded on his chest again like there was something stuck in his throat. “And my head hurts.”

Harry wanted to tell him he was stupid and that he shouldn’t have done that. Mostly he wanted to say how much he loved him. But he didn’t want to be a hypocrite. 

“I might puke.” Louis shook his head. “I’m not joking.”

Harry took one final drag and smashed the fag into the ashtray. “They kill you slowly.” He pointed out before taking his belongings and pushing them to the side.

“Yeah.” Louis nodded. “And they burn my throat.”

“They’re not for everyone.” Harry wanted Louis away from pain. He wanted Louis to live a long and happy life and he wouldn’t mind being a part of it.

“They’re not good for you.” He added.

“I’m trying to stop.” Harry didn’t need to be lectured right now. It was too early in the morning. “I’m trying to stop.” He repeated and thought about how gross Louis thought he was for doing these types of things. “I swear.” He throat choked up and he paused to take a deep breath.

Louis just nodded and looked out at the apartments across the street. 

-

“I have to go on a meeting call.” Louis’ voice was quiet as he shook Harry’s body. “So just don’t yell or anything.”

Harry woke again to someone shaking him lightly and he whined.

“Like that.” Louis’ voice continued to talk. “Don’t do that.”

“I was asleep.” His voice was laced with sleep and he wanted it to stay that way. “Leave me alone.” His arms wrapped tighter around Louis’ midsection and he was using his chest as pillow. It was nicer than nice.

“Leave me alone.” Louis mocked and Harry frowned into the older boys T-shirt. 

Harry had his arms wrapped around Louis’ waist and his legs tangled with the other boys for more than an hour. Louis talked about his work to someone he assumed was his boss and his voice was making it hard to fall asleep.

“Harry’s good.” Louis ruffled his hair and the younger boy looked up at him. “He’s getting better but he’s not there yet.” 

Harry didn’t want Louis to talk about him. He wasn’t supposed to talk about him. But it was his boss. Or someone important probably.

“Why are you talking about me?” Harry yawned in Louis’ face and the older boy pushed him away with the palm of his hand. “Louis.” He begged and buried his face in his neck.

“He needs to work on his-” Louis started and Harry breathed against his neck. “Uh- hold on a second.” He took the phone from his ear and muted his side of the phone. “Harry stop it.” His voice was stern and Harry actually looked up at him from his spot on top of him.

“You’re talking about me.”

“Yes.” Louis had never sounded annoyed. If that was the word to describe it. It made Harry’s lips part and he froze. “But you need to mind that this is my job.”

“Oh.” Was all the curly boy managed to say.

Louis immediately went back to talking on the phone, ignoring the other boy completely. Harry felt guilt flood over his body and he sank off of Louis. He turned away and pulled the covers over himself. 

Ten minutes later Harry was shutting his eyes and trying not to have an anxiety attack. It was stupid that something so little could upset him so much. Now he was hyperventilating and trying to keep the covers over his head so Louis wouldn’t notice. But of course he did as soon as he hung up the phone.

“It was a good talk.” He laughed into the phone. “Alright, goodbye.” He sounded so monotone. Harry’s chest was shuddering and he was shaking and it was probably moving the bed. His arms curled around his chest and he told himself over and over again that he was over reacting. 

“Are you alright?” The question was to him and Harry just couldn’t do this. Louis’ body was suddenly next to his and trying to pull the covers off his body.

“Go away.” Harry couldn’t control what he was saying and he was having an anxiety attack. “Please Louis.” He felt his throat tighten and he couldn’t breathe.

“Harry.” Louis’ voice was calm as he slowly pulled the covers off Harry’s body. “What’s wrong.” He was worried and Harry wanted to scream because he was a shit person.

“I can’t breathe.” He felt his throat constrict tighter and he let out a small cough. He brought his hand up and wiped at his eyes, and that’s when he realised his was crying. “Louis.” He was reaching up and everything was blurry and he felt lightheaded and it wasn’t fun.

“It’s okay.” Louis was holding him and Harry was fading in and out of reality. He couldn’t tell what was real from what wasn’t and he guessed that it was Louis’ hand combing through his hair and wiping away his tears. “Breathe.” He patted at the younger boys back and Harry sucked in a deep breath. It was gross. He sounded horrid.

“I’m sorry. I can’t-” He tried at words but he couldn’t stop shaking and he couldn’t form a coherent thought, without wanting to puke.

“Shh.” Louis was holding him close to his chest now. “Just focus on your breathing.” He was rubbing small circles on Harry’s lower back.

“I’m going to die.” He whined and buried his face into Louis’ shoulder.

“No you're not.” Louis seemed to be the only thing helping him right now. “Just breathe for me.”

Harry tried to and failed the first few times, which ended in more sobbing and clutching at the older boy. But eventually he took an even breath and the shaking stopped. He got his body under control and he rested against Louis’ body.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke again after about half an hour.

“Me too.” Louis kissed at the top of his head and Harry sighed. He didn’t deserve this right now. He was doing nothing for Louis. Louis was just giving, giving and Harry was taking it all.

The attack would have lasted longer if Louis hadn’t been there. But it also wouldn’t have started if Louis hadn’t been there. More than anything Harry was tired. It was probably sometime in the afternoon, but he didn’t care.

“I’m going to sleep.” Harry announced weakly before rolling off of Louis’ body. Louis held onto his bottom half and Harry started laughing lightly. “Stop.” He laughed and Louis pulled his body back to him. He took Harry’s chin and made him look him in the eyes.

“Tell me if I upset you.” He said sternly but it wasn’t mean. He was worried. “Promise me.”

“Louis.” Harry’s face was one inch away from Louis’ and that was one inch too far.

“Promise?” He spoke again.

“Promise.” Harry sighed and attempted to roll off Louis again, but he wasn’t having it.

“Pinky swear on it.” Louis was suddenly holding out his pinky finger and Harry was staring at it with his mouth open. He took it slowly in his and they shook on it. “Pinky swear.”

“Pinky swear.” He responded.

“Good.” Louis smiled a lazy smile and Harry tried to return it the best he could. He wanted to give Louis something. “Now take a nap. You’ve barely slept.” Louis kept hold on Harry’s body as he sunk down into a flat position. “I’m done with work for the day.” 

Harry gladly wrapped his arms around the older boys body and breathed in his scent. 

He could do this.

-

When Harry woke up again it was to his Mum banging on his door. He shot up from his sleeping position and blinked his eyes open. He was confused and cold and where was Louis?

“Zayn was wondering if he left his textbook over here?” His Mum opened the door with a small smile.

“His- uh-” Harry looked down on the floor quickly and of course Zayn had left his book over here. He reached down and threw it at Anne, who caught it at the door. “Here you go.” He muttered and turned over to look for Louis.

“He left a few hours ago.” She was always trying to smile. Always.

“Oh.” He nodded and sunk back down into the sheets.

“What a nice lad he is. Don’t you think?” She tilted her head up like she knew something was up and suddenly Harry was very uncomfortable. 

“Uh, yeah. Really nice Mum.” He responded with a nod.

“Well I’ll let you sleep some more. It is the weekend after all and you have school tomorrow.” She smiled and stepped backwards until she was closing the door.

Harry still hadn’t caught his breath from earlier, when she had banged on the door. He sighed and let his limbs turn into jello on the bed. He thought about his Mum and Zayn and Louis Tomlinson. Everything was spinning.

He finally reached over and unlocked his phone before scrolling through his twitter feed. It was something he hadn’t done in a long time. Messages from people he barely knew were DM’ed to him. He paid no interest in any of it and it was mostly girls from school complaining about each other.

He exited out of the app and went onto his text messages.

Where did you go?

He sent it to Louis before he could even think it through. A response came before he had time to put his phone back down on the nightstand.

Had to feed cat. Sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow though, yeah? We can go do something? Boop boop.

Boop boop. Harry stared at the message before a smile spread across his face and he was laughing. 

Okay.

Was all he responded with because everything else was awkward and it wasn’t face to face. 

And I may or may not be putting a mixtape together for one of my friends. But I don’t know.

Harry’s lips parted and he contemplated called Louis, but he needed to give him space for fucks sake. He also needed to think his life through so he wouldn’t freak out again.

-

“One of my close friends told me that music helps the soul.” Louis handed Harry a mix tape as soon as Harry sat down across from him at the coffee shop.

The front of the disk had the handwriting of Super Amazing Music for a Super Amazing Person. Harry didn’t think he was amazing, but it was alright if Louis did. 

“Thank you.” A smile spread across his face and he couldn’t hold it back. Louis was smiling too and he guessed that this was what happiness felt like.

“It is burning hot today Harold.” Louis was suddenly changing the subject and Harry was pulled from his short lived bliss.

“Yeah.” He responded shortly, because Louis already knew why he always wore long sleeves.

“Then take off your sweatshirt.”

“Lou.” Harry set the tape down on the table and picked up the hot chocolate Louis had pre-ordered for him. 

“Nobody in here cares.” Louis rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But they do.” He frowned and shook his head because it was not happening. “And I’d rather not cry in my favourite place thanks.” He scoffed a bit because it was a stupid thing to say.

“When you’re about to have a heat stroke, I will not hesitate to take that sweatshirt off you.” Louis looked down at his own drink and Harry sighed.

“That’s never happened.”

“Yes, true.” Louis smiled. “But making out for long periods of time can result in overheating.”

And Harry was choking on his drink. 

“Did you bring that up just so you could say that?” Harry set his hot chocolate down incase Louis decided to say something else.

“No, I’m just thinking of the possibilities.”

“Well it makes me uncomfortable.” Harry sighed and ran his fingers through his curls. Louis’ eyes watched his movements as he did so.

“To end your fears, it’s necessary you face them first.” Louis raised his eyebrows at him and Harry rolled his eyes at the table.

“I’m quite alright, but thanks.” And Harry sort of felt like shit because he said that, but he didn’t want to show his depression even more than he already was.

“Have you hurt yourself again?” Louis asked so unexpected that Harry froze again.

“Why?” He didn’t answer the question, but he just gave himself away right there. His fingers found the tape and squeezed it tight. “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this here.” He admitted ten seconds later.

“Well then we’ll talk about it later.”

-

And apparently later meant swinging on the swings in the exact same place as last time. 

“Let me see them then.” Louis sounded like he really didn’t want to, but at the same time it was his job and he was trained to handle these things. Or at least, he sorta was. 

“I hate this.” Harry didn’t feel like crying now because actually taking your meds in the morning could stabilize your mood. Would you look at that.

“It’s for your own good love.” The use of the word love seemed wrong in this situation. Or at least it did to Harry as he pulled up his sleeves with shaking arms to show Louis just why he must wear a sweatshirt at all times. It wasn’t as bad this time as it was the last. But it was still pretty fucking terrible and Harry had to close his eyes as Louis ran his fingers across the new cuts.

“A pattern of raised crisscrossed scars, some old and white, others more recent in various shades of pink and red. Exposing the stress of the structure underneath its paint.” Louis was speaking more to himself than to Harry, but the younger boy opened his eyes none the less.

“Are you done yet?” He slightly jerked his left arm back, but Louis held on tightly. “With the poetry and stuff.” 

“No.” His voice was trying to remain calm but he looked so- so sad. Or maybe it was disappointment. Harry couldn’t tell.

“I don’t like doing this.” He hissed out the words and suddenly Louis’ eyes were flickering up to his.

“We should do something then. So you won’t be as uncomfortable.” A small smile crossed over his face as he pulled Harry’s sleeves back down and stood up from the swing.

Harry’s frown deepened and he shook his head. “I don’t want to.” Was all he said because he didn’t know how else to go about this.

“Well there really is no choice, now is there?” Louis’ smile widened and he almost looked excited. But the more Harry stared at him the more he could read the sadness in his eyes. Just because Harry had hurt himself again.

-

“Louis please. Please I really hate doing this.” Harry was begging and he was going to cry now. “This is a fucking stupid idea.” He spat it out but Louis was rubbing his hands down Harry’s arms and praising him quietly.

“You can do this.” He had said so many times. “I’m not judging you.”

“I can’t.” He sucked in a dry breath and oh no. It was going to happen again and he was going to have to-

“Breathe.” Louis reminded. “We’re alone.” 

“I can’t- Why are you-” He was frozen in his spot as Louis started to lift his sweatshirt off his body to reveal another shirt.

“It was so hot today jesus christ.” Louis commented quietly as he continued about what he was doing. The last time Harry ‘let’ him do this was when he wasn’t sober.

“I’m scared.” Harry felt himself say the words as his sweatshirt was lifted over his head. He was shaking now as soon as Louis had the sweatshirt off, he was moving on to his shirt.

“I’m right here.” Louis added as he gestured for Harry to lift his arms up.

“Fuck.” He was swearing now because fuck. This wasn’t fair right now.

As soon as the shirt was over his head and his top half was naked to the world, Louis was kissing him and pushing his body to the ground. And yeah, Harry didn’t expect that at all, but he took it as soon as it came. Louis guided him to the ground and pressed his palm against his chest to tell him to stay there.

Harry didn’t want to let go and Louis started laughing as soon as Harry wrapped his arm around his neck. But he had to let go, because Louis was trying to accomplish something here. 

They were outside Louis’ apartment complex. Or more in the middle of it anyways. Because, as Louis had explained it, the pool was open for the summer and nobody ever really used it. He also told Harry that it would be a great idea to go swimming late at night and Harry could see a lot of problems in that.

“Just tell me if it hurts.” Louis’ voice was quiet as the sharpie pen was uncapped. Harry closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath. He could hear the pool water next to his right side and if Louis wanted to push Harry into the water he could. But Harry was really, really trusting him here.

His arm twitched noticeably as soon as Louis grasped it in his hand. Thirty seconds passed and Louis still hadn’t done anything.

“What are you doing?” Harry wondered aloud and Louis hissed at him.

“An artist must think before he draws.” Louis’ voice was playful and Harry put a small smile on his face. He still wouldn’t open his eyes though. “And I’m also trying to map this out so you don’t get ink poisoning.”

“Thanks.” Harry forced a laugh, but he was so nervous.

Then the sharpie was tracing over his arm with even strokes and Harry sucked in a deep breath. He was trying so hard to contain himself right now. He was surprised he wasn’t having a breakdown.

“You’re doing so good.” Louis praised Harry and the younger boy could only nod slightly against the pavement.

After what felt like forever Louis moved onto his stomach where there were no cuts to be found and Harry finally opened his eyes, to stare into the darkening sky,

“You don’t feel like you’re hurting yourself when you’re cutting.” Louis’ voice was so soft as he quoted another one of his quotes. “You feel like this is the only way to take care of yourself.”

“Louis.” Harry whined. “Are you almost done?” 

“Yeah.” Louis nodded. Harry couldn’t see what he was doing but he could see Louis with his bottom lip pulled into his mouth and sweat starting to build up along his forehead. Harry felt one last dot being made before the sharpie cap was put back on. “Done.” Louis sat back and held out his arm for Harry to take.

He sat up and looked at his arms to see little drawings of cats and flowers and stupid little things he could barely make out. Small words like lovely and wonderful littered his arms and when he looked down at his stomach his eyes went wide.

“Lou-” He paused and a grin spread across Louis’ face. “God.” He breathed out and latched his arms around the older boys neck. Louis enveloped him in a hug and Harry laughed into his naked shoulder.

“I am an artist right?” Louis spoke sarcastically and Harry was laughing again. Louis’ finger smoothed over the word just above his hip bone and Harry shivered into the touch. 

The single word of Louis’ was written into his hip and a cloud was circling his name with few smiley faces around it.

“Yes.” He held onto Louis tight because he was stupidly brilliant. He wanted to be Louis’. He didn’t even care about his arms at the moment because he loved this boy so much.

“I love it.” He switched the last word around because you needed to be saved for another time. “Thank you.”

They hugged for a few more minutes because neither of them really wanted to let go. Or at least Harry didn’t. But then Louis wanted to get into the pool and Harry watched him from the first step; where he sat in water up to his waist. He didn’t want to wet his arms.

Louis however, was perfectly fine in jumping off the diving board multiple times and flipping into the water in ways Harry found dangerous. But he loved watching him anyways. Every time Louis would say watch this, Harry would look up and nod because he was watching.

\- 

“Funeral suits has way better wording than Arctic Monkeys. Just to be completely honest here.” Louis spoke hours later, when both boys were up in Louis’ flat with a movie on and a cat in between them.

“Yeah, but I like Arctic Monkeys style better and-”

“No.” Louis’ eyes widened and he held his finger up to Harry’s lips. “Take it back.”

“I-” Harry paused because he had no intentions of taking it back at all. “No.”

“I am about five seconds away from committing a murder on a beautiful boy who will not agree on something agreeable here.” Louis was sitting up and pouncing on Harry and the younger boy felt his face turn red because Louis had called him beautiful and fuck.

“I don’t agree with that statement is-” Harry sucked in a breath suddenly and pushed at Louis’ hands. His laughter suddenly filling the room. “Let go of me.” He was laughing as Louis tickled down his sides and held him down.

“Not until you tell me how much better Funeral Suits is than Arctic Monkeys.” Louis couldn’t have been serious right now. 

“Please. Louis. Please. Oh my god.” Harry continued with his begging and he tried to push the older boy off of him. “You’re going to kill me.”

“You clearly aren’t getting out of this one so I suggest you give up.” Louis squeezed at Harry’s sides and the younger boy lost it.

“I give up. Louis I’ll do anything.” Tears welled up in Harry’s eyes and he tried at kicking the older boy off him.

“Tell me then.” 

“I can’t. You need to stop.” Harry’s laughter was filling the room and it was loud. Too loud and he wanted it to stop. “Funeral Suits is so much better. So much better. I have never heard-” Harry paused and caved in on himself as Louis squeezed at his tummy. “Such an amazing band.”

Louis instantly stopped what he was doing and Harry managed to take a steady breath before Louis was laying ontop of him and sucking at his neck.

“Oh my god.” Harry gasped out before closing his eyes and grabbing onto Louis’ back. His body was thumping in his chest and he was trying not to scream.

“You have wonderful taste in music.” Louis’ face was suddenly inches from his and Harry’s breath was sucked out of him. He could feel the spot on his neck start to bruise and he wanted more. “But we need to work on it a little more. Don’t you think love?”

Harry stared at him for a moment; both of them panting hard as they tried to catch their breath. Then he was grasping at Louis’ hair and kissing his again. It was hot and both boys were in nothing but their boxer shorts. Louis grinded down into Harry’s pelvic area and holy fuck.

“Louis.” Harry whined into the older boys mouth and Louis stopped what he was doing.

“What? Are you okay?” He looked worried so suddenly and Harry nodded quickly before pulling him back down again.

“Do it again.” He begged before attacking his lips back onto Louis’. 

Louis did it again, making Harry arch up into his touch. Louis grabbed the marked spot by his hip and pushed him back down onto the bed. “Harry, listen to me right now.” He suddenly sounded serious and Harry opened his eyes back up very confused.

“Wha-”

“You’re seventeen.” He was pressing his forehead against Harry’s now and closing his eyes. “We can’t- you can’t.”

Harry whined again but it was out of frustration. He knew that it wasn’t allowed. As soon as all his dreams were about to come true they were pulled apart again. 

“Okay.” He nodded slightly because he wasn’t going to argue.

“Let’s go to sleep then yeah?” Louis was suddenly sitting up and Harry pressed his hand against his eyes. “I’ll wake you up for school in the morning.” 

“M’kay.” Harry nodded again. “Sleep with me though.” He added and once Louis had all the lights turned off he was pulling Harry to his chest for a long night of rest.

-

Zayn was staring at Harry’s arms as soon as he walked into class the next morning. Everyone was really, but he was staring at Zayn. The kid had a cigarette between his lips and was sitting on top of his desk like he owned the place.

Harry walked in slowly and sat down at his desk before starting to open up his binder. Someone poked him on the back in the midst of his preparing and he turned around to see who it was.

“Here.” Zayn was holding a cigarette out for Harry to take. The younger boy took it weakly and gave Zayn a confused look. “You look like you need it.”

-

“Could a scar be like the rings of a tree, reopened with each emotional season?” Louis was whispering small one lined poems into the sky, as they lay next to each other on the grass. It was the middle of summer and it was warm and cloudy.

“I like that one.” Harry hummed in appreciation. “Another.” He demanded quietly and Louis laughed.

“What kind?” He asked and Harry closed his eyes to think about it.

“Something happy.”

Louis didn’t answer. Harry guessed that he was thinking about something to say, so he didn’t rush him. “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.” 

“Who is that by?” Was the first thing out of Harry’s mouth. It was beautiful and he had to think about the words before he actually realised what they meant.

“Not quite sure I remember.” Louis sighed and Harry continued to think about the quote.

“Another.” 

“Harry.” 

“What?” Harry turned his head to look at the older boy. Louis had his fingers lightly drumming on his chest as he stared up into the sky. It was warm out and Harry wasn’t wearing a sweatshirt, so it felt nice.

“No more. You’re ruining my poeticness.” He scoffed and Harry started laughing again.

“Knock, knock.” He spoke out of nowhere and Louis paused his fingers to turn and look at the younger boy.

“Who’s there?” He raised his eyebrows at him and he looked like he was unsure of himself.

“Utch.” 

“Utch-who?”

“Bless you.” A grin spread across Harry’s face as the older boy squinted at him.

“I don’t get- oh.” He smiled and shook his head before rolling back over, to look at the clouds. “Clever. Where did you get that one?”

“I heard it somewhere I think.”

“Poetic.” Louis’ voice was full of sarcasm and Harry was laughing at him again. He wanted to add that he wasn’t trying to be poetic, but the older boy already knew and it wasn’t worth saying. “It looks like it’s about to rain. We should probably head back.”

Harry sat up in the small meadow they had walked to and turned his head to look back and forth. “Which way did we come from?” His voice trailed off in the end as he started to get up. 

“Uh.” Louis sat up quickly and turned to look at Harry. “Left I think.”

“Left?” Harry paused to pick his small backpack off the ground and sling it over his shoulder.

“Yeah.” Louis nodded, but he looked unsure of himself. Harry wondered if he had ever walked out here before. They walked through the woods earlier until they ended up out in an open meadow. It was peaceful really.

-

“I’m sorry it rained on our parade.” Louis laughed quietly, but Harry could tell he was tired.

“It’s okay. I had fun.” Harry nodded as he leaned against the car window. It was warm the next morning and the sun was just peaking over the horizon. “Are you sure you can’t stay over?”

“I have to get home to Cat and dry out this stupid tent.” He smiled sadly at him. Harry had slept the whole car ride home and he was still tired. He could just imagine how Louis felt right now.

“Thanks.” He settled for instead and Louis nodded.

“See you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.” Harry promised. He watched Louis’ car drive away from his front porch, before going inside. He wasn’t expecting his Mum to be sitting on the stairs waiting for him.

“Can I talk to you?” She looked tired, like she had been waiting for a long time. “About Louis.”

Harry’s lips parted and he felt his stomach explode. The look on her face was not good. It looked almost disappointed. He nodded either way and went to sit next to her on the staircase.

“Am I in trouble?” Was the first thing out of his mouth, because he didn’t want to get in trouble.

“No.” She had to think about it. “But I need to ask you something.”

“Okay.” Harry’s insides were tingling because this was about Louis, so it had to be important.

“Are you two-” She made an odd hand gesture to show what she meant. “Dating?” And honestly Harry would say yes, but he didn’t really know what they were. 

“I don’t know.” He meant for it to come out honest but it was defensive sounding and it made Harry look down at his feet.

“Because this really needs to stop Harold.” She only ever used that voice when she was being serious. “Someone called to inform me that you two have been doing-” She paused again like she didn’t know what to say. “Having public display of affection towards each other.”

“Oh.” The words weren’t really processing through his head.

“Louis could get into serious trouble for this. So could you.” She paused again to see how Harry was taking this. “I talked to a few people and I think it’s best if you stop with Louis. I’ve found another therapist if you would like.”

“What are you saying?” Harry was staring at the wall now and his body was becoming numb. This wasn’t happening.

“No more Louis.” Her voice was calm and Harry could tell she was trying to be nice about it. “It’s for the best.”

Her words echoed around his brain before settling down in his head. It took him about five seconds before he was bolting up into his room. He needed to call Louis right now. He was going to have a breakdown or something. He didn’t know what was happening.

He grabbed his phone off his bed and pressed the call button before pressing it to his ear. When Louis answered with a hello, Harry sobbed into the phone. His Mum appeared at his door with a sad look on her face.

“Please help me.” Harry cried into the phone before sinking down onto his bum. “Louis please.”

“What’s wrong?” Louis asked with a quiet tone and Harry was sobbing loud now.

“Harry give me the phone.” His Mum started to come across his room and Harry shook his head.

“I’m so sorry. I love you.” He pressed his free hand against his other ear. “I love you so much.”

“Are you alright?” Louis’ voice remained soft and Harry wanted to chuck himself off a cliff. He didn’t get to answer because his Mum took the phone from him. 

“No.” Harry screeched before attempting to get off the floor. His Mum went back out the door and Harry heard it click on the way out. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening.

“Mum.” He yanked at the handle and it wouldn’t unlock. “Please.” He pressed his head against the door before kicking it with his bare foot. “Give me my phone.” He hissed it through his teeth even though his Mum probably went back downstairs. “You can’t do this.” He was crying and it was gross. He could feel his tears running down his face and Louis wasn’t there to wipe them away.

“You can’t do this.” He whispered before letting himself slide down the door in defeat. “You can’t-” He ended it with a sob and closed his eyes. 

He thought this was the closest you could come to dying.

-

His Mum came into his bedroom two days later with a sandwich and a glass of water. 

“I unlocked your door yesterday.” She set the things down on his bedside table before sitting down on his bed and running her hand through his curls.

“I’m not hungry.” He spoke into his pillow. Harry had already decided that he would starve himself to death, but then his Mum had to bring him food and mess things up. His Mum messed his life up. He smelt like cigarettes and blood and he was sweaty. It was pretty gross.

“You know I love you right?” She stopped to pat him on the back and Harry sighed quietly.

“I’m killing myself.” He responded with and his Mum paused.

“We’ll find someone for you to talk to so-”

“I’m going to be dead before that.” He announced. “And you’re not going to stop me.” He gripped his pillow tighter because Louis withdraw was seriously taking a toll on him. 

“Zayn called.” She quickly changed the subject. “He’s coming over tomorrow to work on your summer reading assignment.” 

“Oh my god.” Harry groaned into his pillow because this couldn’t possibly get any worse than it was right now. He would rather be dead than face Zayn right now. “Goodbye then.” He rolled the other way and pulled the sheets over himself because he really didn’t want to talk to his Mum right now.

“I talked to Louis too.” Her voice went quiet and Harry froze. “Just to explain why you called.”

“Get out.” Harry hissed. His Mum didn’t respond but he felt the dip in his bed go away and he heard the door close shut.

-

“You look like shit mate.” Zayn laughed out loud as he tossed Harry a book from the door. The younger boy didn’t bother to catch it and it ended up hitting him in the chest. “Are you sick or something?”

“I guess.” Harry shrugged his shoulders because it would be easier to leave it at that. Zayn gave him an odd look, but didn’t continue the conversation.

Ten minutes later Harry was staring at one of the papers Zayn had given him. They were sitting outside on Harry’s little deck with cigarettes between their lips and pencils in their hands. Harry was trying to clear his mind of thoughts.

He wished he could be numb to this, but his insides were hurting and he was trying so hard not to cry right now. Louis was Harry’s everything and he was just ripped out of his life like it was nothing. He couldn’t even call him and he didn’t know when he was going to get his phone back. Probably not soon.

“Unless it takes you five minutes to write your name-” Zayn trailed off quietly and Harry slowly turned his head to look at him. “You okay?” He glanced up to look back at him.

“No.” He answered honestly because he didn’t think he was going to get anything done with the thoughts on his mind.

“On a scale from one to ten.” Zayn looked back down at his paper and started to tap his pencil. 

“Thirteen.” Harry choked on the word and felt his eyes to make sure he wasn’t crying.

“Wanna talk about it?” 

Harry squinted his eyes slightly because what? Why would he even want to tell Zayn about his problems. Zayn was probably about ninety percent of his problem. Or at least he usually was. But here Harry was with a lot on his mind and nobody to talk to.

“I think I’m in love.” Harry paused to think about his wording. “I’m in love.” He corrected quietly. “With Louis Tomlinson and it’s quite possibly the worst thing in the entire world.”

“Tomlinson.” Zayn repeated quietly. “From the office?”

“Yes.” Harry’s voice came out annoyed, but he didn’t care. “And he helped me. He helped me through so much.” He turned away from Zayn because he was sure he was crying now. “We spent so much time together and did so many things. I was happy.” He scrunched up his face because talking about this was so much worse. 

“And fuck.” He sucked in a deep breath. “Now he’s gone.”

Zayn stayed quiet, but he was staring at Harry with a blank face. “Did he-” Zayn paused himself. “Die?”

“No.” Harry put a small smile on his face and shook his head. “But I’ll never see him again.”

“Hey you don’t know that then.” Zayn was clearly trying to brighten Harry’s mood there, but it wasn’t going to work.

“We can’t be together. It isn’t allowed.” Harry shook his head. “It can’t happen.”

“But maybe he would quit and you two-”

“I’m killing myself tomorrow.” Harry looked back up at him with tired eyes. Zayn’s lips parted and his eyes widened and maybe Harry shouldn’t have dropped that on him.

“Only one out of twenty five succeed at that.” Zayn spoke slowly. Like he was going to steer Harry away from that path. He had offered to help him with it a few months ago. 

“I’m going to make sure it works.” He shook his head. “I can make it work.”

“Oh.” Zayn’s eyes went down to the cigarette package and he paused to take another out. “That can’t really be undone, you know.” He spoke it as a statement.

Honestly Harry would have done it today if Zayn hadn’t come over and ruined everything. But there wasn’t anything else to ruin at the same time. He wanted to try and get some of the summer reading work done, but it clearly wasn’t going to happen.

“Hey.” Zayn snapped at him. Harry was staring out at the neighbors houses now. “I can be a real shit person sometimes, but if you ever need anything.” He offered Harry a small smile and shrug of his shoulders.

“Thanks.” Harry tried to smile back but it didn’t work well and he ended up looking back out at buildings. “That’s- thanks.” Harry nodded.

“We don’t need to do work today anyways.” Zayn slowly put everything back in his backpack. “We can just sit.”

Harry nodded. He would be alright with that.

-

Harry woke up at 4:28 p.m. the next day with a headache and barely any sleep. He was coming in and out of sleep for hours and he was tired. He stared at the ceiling for god knows how long and finally rolled onto the floor in an attempt to get up.

After staring at the wall for a longer time he stood up and went around the house to make sure his Mum wasn’t home. She wasn’t. Harry paused when he saw his cell phone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. He could talk to Louis. He could call him. But he didn’t really know what he was going to say.

He still didn’t know when he had the phone pressed against his side and ringing going through his ear. He waiting through two rings before Louis was picking up the phone. 

“Harry.” Louis answered with a firm voice. “You can’t-”

“I need to say goodbye.” He tried not to think about how much Louis’ voice was hurting him. “And I need to say I love you.”

“Harry you-”

“Tell my Mum I said goodbye too, because I don’t think I’ll be able to call her.” Harry’s vision was glassed over by a layer of tears that started to spill over. Louis went silent on the other line and Harry closed his eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Louis’ voice was softer this time, because he must have realised what Harry was going to try and do.

“There are two bottles of pills upstairs.” Harry went quiet and he heard Louis let out a deep breath on the other line. “I’m going to take them all.”

“What kind of pills?” Louis voice grew and octave higher and Harry wondered if he was going to cry too.

“Antidepressants and sleeping pills.” Harry smiled sadly at the wall and leaned himself against the kitchen counter. “Please don’t talk me out of this.” He added because he knew the older boy could if he tried. “I need to go.”

“Harry.” Louis’ voice was firm again, but there was pain laced with it and Harry really wished he could see his face. “Don’t touch anything. I’m coming over.”

“No.” Harry shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “You need to let me do this.” He was walking back towards the stairs with the phone pressed against his ear. “Please.”

“Fuck.” Louis hissed under his breath on the other end of the phone. “I’m coming right now. I’m getting in the car.” He was talking fast now and Harry heard the car door slam shut.

“Please.” Harry yelled it into the phone. “I don’t want you to find me.”

Louis openly sucked in a deep breath and the line went silent. Harry wondered if he hung up, but then he was speaking again. “You’re not going to die today and if you’re going to make this harder for me-” He paused because maybe those weren’t the right words. “If you take those pills I’m going to take you to the hospital and it’s not going to be fun.”

“I’ll be dead.” Harry was shaking and reaching into the pill cabinet with his free hand. “Please don’t come.”

“Do you even realise how long it takes for those pills to kick in. Jesus christ.” The car was starting on the other line. “It’s a horrible way to die. I don’t want you to go through that.” And Harry could tell he was crying and it was painful.

Nobody should ever see the ones they love in pain. Harry was such a hypocrite. “I’ll be okay.” Harry was filling the glass by his sink up with water. 

“Don’t do this.” Louis was definitely crying now and Harry could hear it in his voice. “Oh my god.” His voice was so high and Harry had to take the phone off his ear to swallow the first few pills.

“I have to go.” Harry closed his eyes as the second set of pills went down his throat. Then the third. He wondered if Louis could hear it. Two more and Harry wondered if Louis had hung up.

“Stop it.” Louis voice was suddenly there again and Harry snapped his eyes open. “Don’t you dare leave me.” He was crying hard and Harry had never heard Louis like this. When Harry finished the last of the pills he took a step back and ended up slamming his back into the shower wall. He stared at himself in the mirror and all he saw was a broken kid with tired eyes and scarred wrists. Then his legs gave out on him and he was sliding to the floor.

“I have to go.” He repeated before his arm gave out and the phone fell to the floor. “Have to-” He blinked slowly and opened his eyes again to see a blur of the world. It almost felt like being roofied except there was a deep pain coming up in his side and he was dying.

He blinked one more time before his body seemed to float away from him and he was falling down onto the tiled floor. He wanted to close his eyes, but his body wouldn’t let him and he was forced to stare at the cabinets across from him.

His body was tingling and he wanted to just die already. His thoughts were flying left and right and his head was spinning around and around and he was dizzy. Time seemed to slow down and Harry just wanted to close his eyes and think about something else.

As soon as he felt his eyes start to shut something was moving his body to the side and suddenly Harry was staring up at the ceiling. He wondered if god was taking him for a moment, but then Louis was in his view and shaking him.

“Am I dead?” Harry’s words were extremely slurred and barely heard over Louis’ yelling. He wanted to tell him to stop. It was hurting his ears and he honestly just wanted to nap right now.

Louis was wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a sitting position. Harry wanted to groan because he was so tired now. He needed to sleep and Louis was trying to get him to the toilet.

“Stay awake.” The words made it to Harry’s head in echos and suddenly Harry was staring down into the toilet. Two of Louis’ fingers were in his mouth and Harry thought that was disgusting. He tried to get away, but he had no energy at all.

Louis was holding onto him tight and trying to shove his fingers into the back of Harry’s throat. Harry was coughing and felt the puke coming up before he actually saw the remains of the pills being dumped back into the toilet. 

Louis wasn’t done and he put his fingers back in as soon as Harry had finished puking. Harry couldn’t breathe now and he was pushing against Louis’ back as best he could. The second time he puked Louis had his head buried into the crook of Harry’s neck and he was sobbing. He could feel the wetness rubbing against the side of his neck and into his curls. But everything was becoming numb and soon he couldn’t feel it anymore.

Harry forced himself to reach his hand up and take Louis’ in his. He didn’t feel any better and if anything his air stream was getting cut off. Louis gripped his hand tight and kept him propped on his knees over the toilet.

Louis really couldn’t do anything else other than hold his hand and cry. Harry guessed that he called somebody because he wasn’t doing anything else. Harry was coughing and it was growing quiet because he would rather just sleep. He wanted to give up, because it hurt to hold on. It hurt to breathe.

“Stay.” Louis was squeezing his hand and shaking from behind him. Harry wanted to say something funny to lighten up the mood, but his mouth wouldn’t form words and his body wouldn’t move anymore.

His eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer and he felt his handhold loosen up on Louis’. The older boy just gripped him tighter and started mumbling again. His brain wasn’t working right anymore and he was telling himself to breathe, but it wasn’t working.

His body floated away from the bathroom and soon everything went black.

-

When Harry woke up he knew he was in the hospital. He could hear the beeping from the IV and his body was heavy. He wanted to open his eyes, but his body was telling him to go back to sleep. Drugs were laced through his entire being and everything was going through his brain slowly.

Someone had their hand on top of Harry’s and he automatically gripped it in his. The person shifted a bit and they were dipping their weight onto the bed. Harry let out a small confused sound because he needed to open his eyes. 

When he finally got his eyes open he scrunched up his face because Louis Tomlinson was staring right at him.

“I’ve been here for two nights and that’s the face I get when you wake up.” Louis looked tired and was wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants. His hair was messed up and it looked like he had ran his hand through it quite a few times.

“Oops.” Harry smiled lightly and took the look off his own face.

“Hi.” Louis smiled back and gave his hand a light squeeze. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit.” Harry answered honestly. There were tubes literally shoved into his nose and his stomach hurt. His body hurt. Everything hurt.

“You look like shit too.” Louis’ voice was quiet and he was leaning on his elbows to get closer to Harry’s face. Harry tried to laugh, but there was a tube rubbing against the back of his throat and he ended up coughing. That ended in his stomach hurting and he quickly decided he wouldn’t laugh.

“I need water.” He commented quietly. “My throat hurts.”

Louis gave him a sad smile and that’s when Harry realised there was something attached to his stomach as well. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, because he clearly wasn’t getting water anytime soon.

“I can get the doctor if you want me to.” He used his thumb to go up and down Harry’s in a circular motion. Harry shook his head slowly, because he didn’t want Louis to leave him.

“Are we going to talk about this?” Harry asked instead. His throat felt like it was on fire everytime he spoke and the tubes were forcing him to breath at an even pace. His voice was scratchy too and he didn’t sound right.

Louis nodded and looked down at Harry’s collar bones. “Not right now though.”

“I’m sorry.” Harry spoke quietly. “I should have listened to you.” This was a harder conversation to have than he thought. “I’m such a fucking-”

“I should have came straight over.” Louis was shaking his head now. “As soon as your Mum told me I wasn’t allowed to see you anymore. That should have just-” Louis sighed. “We both messed up.” The look on his face was just so-

“I love you.” Harry had said the words the other day. A tired smile appeared on Louis’ face and he was looking down at the white bed sheets. 

“I love you too.” He looked back up and Harry finally found something to really smile about. Or at least try too. “And your Mum isn’t mad at you alright?” He changed the subject and the smile faded from his face.

“She’s going to take you away from me.” Harry held onto him tighter.

“No I won’t.” Another voice interrupted and Harry’s eyes flickered to his Mum’s. She was sitting across the room with her hands folded in her lap. She was probably listening the whole time. “Hello.” She gave a small wave and Harry’s lips parted.

“Hi.” He responded quietly.

“I brought you a teddy bear.” She looked tired too and Harry wondered if Louis had talked to her. “And Zayn called and asked how you were.”

“Zayn.” Harry didn’t ask it as a question, but he was curious.

“Yes.” She nodded a bit and Harry felt awkward because Louis was staring at him and tracing over his hand. “I told him you would give him a call.” She raised her eyebrows in a was that okay? sort of way. 

“Alright.” He tried to nod, but his head barely moved and he ended up staring at her instead.

“I’m going to give you two some time then.” She was quick to change the subject and Louis turned away from Harry to look at her.

“Could you please get the doctor as well?” Louis’ voice was quiet in the room and everything turned fragile when he spoke.

“Yeah.” She gave him a genuine smile before closing the door behind her.

“I made you a mixtape. We’re going to listen to it as soon as you get out.” Louis brought the conversation back up like nothing had happened. 

Harry tried to smile again, but he was uncomfortable and it felt weird on his face. “Okay.” Was all he responded with because he didn’t know what to say and he put himself in this mess.

-

Harry had to be carried up to Louis’ flat because he couldn’t move. Or he didn’t want to. Everything was still hurting and he was on so many prescription drugs. Louis also refused to wheelchair him into the elevator.

The easiest part was looking his Mum in the eyes with a sad look on his face and asking if he could spend the night at Louis’. She had to go to work anyways. She had just nodded and kissed him on the forehead.

“I’ll make you something to eat and then put you to bed. That sound alright?” Louis was talking in a hushed tone, because it was midnight and Harry was dozing off on his shoulder. He was on Louis’ back and the older boy was holding onto his legs tightly. Harry had his arms gripped around Louis’ neck and he was trying not to choke him, but he was tired.

“I want to go to bed.” Harry’s words were slurred and his body was screaming at him to just pass out.

“I promised your Mum I would feed you.” Louis was attempting to open the door to his flat and hold onto Harry at the same time. “And the doctor said you would feel better after you ate.” It was obvious that Louis knew he was on a lot of drugs. He was speaking slowly for Harry and letting him take his time to answer.

“I’ll eat tomorrow.” Harry slowly dragged his cheek against Louis’ sweatshirt. It was soft.

“I’m going to make you soup.”

“Lou.” Harry groaned quietly as Louis plopped him down on the couch. “I’m so tired.”

“Soup will help you sleep.” Louis ended the conversation by walking into his kitchen. Harry watched him with wide eyes and tried to blink the sleep away.

Ten minutes later Louis was sitting down next to him with two bowls in his hands and spoons in his mouth. He pulled one out and handed it to Harry without a word. The younger boy gave him a disgusted look because it was in his mouth. But it wasn’t like Harry hadn’t been in his mouth before.

“Thank you.” He was using all his energy to bring the spoon up to his lips. Louis just nodded and they both sat in silence as they ate their soup.

Another ten minutes and Harry was being carried into Louis’ bedroom. He fell into a light sleep on Louis’ shoulder and snapped awake when he was being put down on the bed. Louis ended up having to help him get his clothes off, because he didn’t have enough energy to do it himself.

“I’m sorry.” Harry whispered it under his breath. He felt bad that Louis was having to do all this for him. Harry sat in his briefs and was trying to pull up the covers, but he couldn’t even do that.

“You’re alright.” Louis’ voice was soft and full of sleep. He was probably exhausted. “You go to sleep and I’ll be there in a minute.”

“I love you.” He was laying down now with the covers pulled over his chin.

Louis let out a small laugh through his nose before running his hand through Harry’s curls. “Love you too.”

Harry was already trying to keep his eyes open when Louis started taking off his clothes. He remembers watching Louis walking into his bathroom and then everything faded into a dream state.

-

“You need to take them.” Louis was still holding the pills out for Harry to take. The younger boy was staring at them with a blank face. He wasn’t taking them.

“No.” He shook his head slowly. He was sitting on Louis’ bed with his back resting against the bed frame. Cat was sitting on the end of the bed watching Harry with big eyes. “They make me feel weird.”

Louis sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Why are you being difficult right now?” He was speaking to the wall as he said it. “You need to take these Harry.” He pressed the subject forward. He was sitting criss cross across from him.

“I’m not going to.” Harry crossed his arms over his chest that seemed to be caving in on him.

“Don’t make me force you.” Louis looked tired still. “I don’t want to do that.”

Harry reached out his hand and Louis dropped the pills into his palm. He closed his hand and put it down on the comforter. “Now you don’t have to worry about it.” He was frowning at Louis because this was not happening.

Louis gritted his teeth and Harry wondered if this counted as an argument. He knew Louis was only trying to help, but he didn’t need these.

“Three seconds.” Louis started. Harry’s eyes widened slightly and his hand squeezed the pills tighter. “Two.” He raised his eyebrows.

“I’ll take the ones for my stomach. But not the mood ones.” Harry whispered and Louis stopped counting.

“Alright.” Louis held his hand back out and Harry gave him the pills. He watched him hand half of them back and Harry immediately put them in his mouth. He didn’t need water, but it was hard to get them down and he hated it. “Open.” Louis spoke as soon as Harry got them down.

“I swallowed them.” Harry frowned, but Louis continued to stare. Harry opened his mouth and moved his tongue around before closing it and looking down at the sheet.

“Thank you.” Louis got up to put the pills back in the cabinet. Harry assumed he wasn’t allowed in there at all. He probably wasn’t allowed to hold a pill bottle for the rest of his life. Louis walked back into the room with a new look on his face and Harry felt uncomfortable.

When he sat down, he looked at Harry like he was about to have an important therapist talk with him. He knew this was coming. He just thought later meant next year or something.

“You fucking scared me, you know.” Louis stated it with hard eyes and Harry wanted to get up and leave the room. But he couldn’t. He was stuck sitting here until Louis wanted to get him up. “It was only five days.”

“I feel like me trying to kill myself is going to become a lecture.” Harry’s voice was quiet, because he didn’t like the way Louis was looking at him.

“It’s not.” Louis shook his head and then a small laugh was coming out of his mouth. “God, I wish it could be something that simple.”

Harry pulled his knees up to his chest. His stomach was caving in on itself and Harry didn’t want Louis to notice.

“I thought you had died.” Louis’ eyes were smoothed over by a thin layer of water as soon as he spoke. “I was holding you and-” He paused to wipe at his eyes, but tears were already starting to cascade down his face. “I was like-” He paused again and Harry felt his own eyes start to water because this was really hard. “He’s gone.” Louis was shaking his head. “I felt like I could have done something. Like I could have prevented it. I tried so hard to prevent it.”

Harry was crying now. He marked Louis crying as the most painful thing in the universe.

“And when you called, I was so mad at you. I didn’t want to talk to you and I don’t know why.” He was shaking his head again. “And then you were killing yourself and I could hear you taking those pills.” He paused when Harry went up to rub his eyes with his wrists. “I felt helpless, because I wasn’t there.” He parted his lips and looked down at his own feet. “I should have been there.”

Harry shook his head, because it wasn’t his fault. It was his Mum’s and gravitys and the world's fault.

“I spent so much time trying to protect you and the one time you needed it most, I wasn’t there.” He was wiping at his eyes again and Harry wanted to touch him. But he was too weak to do anything other than stare at him.

“M’gonna be okay.” Harry tried to offer Louis a small smile, because he didn’t have anything else to give.

“Yeah. But what if you weren’t?” Louis nodded. “But don’t ever do that to me again.” He finished and Harry was nodding at him. He wouldn’t.

-

An hour later Harry was laying sideways with his arms wrapped around Louis’ body. The older boy was checking his emails on his laptop and it was hot. Harry noticed his arms twitching on Louis’ side before the other boy did.

“Are you alright?” Louis’ voice was soft, because Harry could have been asleep.

“I don’t know.” Harry hummed before slowly rotating his head into Louis’ skin. “I feel dizzy.” He whispered that under his breath, because Louis didn’t need more things to worry about. 

“How long have you felt dizzy Harry?” Louis’ voice was suddenly filled with worry again and he started to sit up, but then Harry was groaning and the older boy froze.

“Just now. It went away. But then you moved again.” He was trying to be as honest as he could. “I think I need to take a nap.” 

Louis was still staring at him with a hesitant look on his face. “Alright. But tell me if you feel dizzy again.”

“I promise.” He drew the words out against Louis’ skin before pressing his lips into the area right below his nipple. He let his lips linger there for a moment, before turning his head again and closing his eyes.

Louis hand was suddenly in his hair and rubbing at his scalp and Harry sighed. “Love you.” Louis said it first this time and Harry’s chest tightened.

“Love you too.” He muttered before falling back into sleep.

-

Harry was tired the first week he was out of the hospital. Almost every little thing he did seemed to drain him of energy. From sitting up in bed to Louis trying to get him to walk down the hallway. The meds were getting cut back everyday and Harry’s chest seemed to hurt more and more as the time went by.

“I think I punctured something.” Harry was leaning against Louis in the elevator. Everything was hurting and he wanted to go back to bed. Louis said he would start feeling better in the next few days, but so far nothing had felt good.

“You didn’t puncture anything.” Louis laughed lightly before pushing at Harry’s shoulder to tell him to get out of the elevator. 

“I don’t want to go.” Harry groaned and resisted against Louis’ hand.

“Go.” Louis wasn’t taking Harry’s whining right now apparently.

Half an hour later they were sitting in the coffee shop. Harry slumped himself over onto the table to close his eyes, but Louis poked his head and told him to sit up.

“I’m tired.” He was still whining, because today was not the right day to finally leave the house. “My stomach hurts so bad. I want to go back home.” He didn’t miss himself call Louis’ flat home. “I need-”

“Harry stop it.” Louis’ voice was firm and Harry felt his eyes flicker up to meet his. “Look at yourself. You’re out here. You’re fine. You’re not dying.” There was a hint of annoyance in his voice and Harry’s frown was deepening at his words. “You’re going to be okay.” He added softly and Harry lightened up a bit. “But you need to stop thinking about the pain and try to distract yourself.”

“Distract myself.” He repeated the words quietly before squinting at Louis. “With what?” The words were spat from his mouth and he didn’t mean them like that; it was just, he was on a lot of meds and his head was kind of cloudy.

“Well I brought you here for a reason.” Louis’ eyes widened and he gave Harry a look of disbelief. “Listen to yourself.” His voice matched up to Harry’s previous tone. 

Harry’s eyes glanced down at the table then because he didn’t want to look at Louis when he has that look on his face. “M’sorry.” He muttered and turned to look out the window. But Niall chose that time to go up to the podium and tap the mic.

“What a great turnout tonight.” Niall was swaying back and forth slightly as he adjusted his collar. Harry saw Louis turn away from his out of the corner of his eyes and he chose that time to glare at Louis. He knew the older boy was trying to help, but Harry didn’t need to be treated like a child.

“Louis.” Harry tried in a more mature way, but then Louis was shushing him with a hand and oh-

“If you want to sign up for poetry night you can head over to the front counter.” Niall was speaking again and Harry tuned him out.

“Lou.” He dared to try again and Louis turned to glare at him. Harry must have upset him more than he thought. He was being rude, but he apologized and Louis should have accepted it by now.

“Harry, what?” Louis’ voice was strained like he didn’t want to talk to anybody at the moment.

“I just- M’sorry.” Harry felt his throat start to grow tight because he didn’t like making Louis upset. “I’m just in a lot of pain- and I just- don’t feel good- and- and it feels better to talk about it- but then- i- m’sorry.” He repeated it again and he wasn’t going to cry right now. 

Louis’ face softened at the younger boys words and he got up from his seat to hold out his hand for Harry to take. “Let’s go sit on the couch, yeah?” 

Harry just nodded and ended up having to take both of Louis’ hands in his before being guided to the other side of the coffee shop. Louis sat him down and Harry covered his face in his hands.

“You’re alright.” Louis wrapped his arms around him and pulled his body close to his. Harry just nodded and turned to bury his eyes into Louis’ shirt. 

“I just don’t feel good.” Harry whined quietly. He didn’t want Louis to get mad at him like that again. It was barely anything but it was hard on him. “My stomach.” He added and suddenly Louis’ hand was being shoved under his shirt so it could rub at his tummy.

“I’m worried about you love.” He pressed the words into his ear so only Harry could hear them. “I get stressed thinking about your safety. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

Harry wanted to comment on how much he loved it when Louis called him love, but he refrained from it. He just hummed and let out a shaky breath as Louis continued to trace patterns all over his tummy.

“We’ll work on it?” Harry questioned after Niall had said his goodbyes to everyone. Louis paused halfway from slipping on his coat to stare at the younger boy. He took a moment to process what he meant before Louis was nodding and continuing his task.

“Definitely.”

-

“Would you ever have sex with me?” Harry spoke after stretching out lazily on the bed. 

It had been almost two months since Harry had tried to kill himself and he would say that things were doing better. He had also proceeded to stay over at Louis’ every single night. If he wasn’t sleeping at Louis’, Louis was sleeping at his. Harry forced himself to get out of bed and do things with his life because Louis couldn’t take care of him like that forever.

The tea Louis was sipping at went straight back into the cup as soon as Harry spoke. He coughed a couple times and clutched at his chest as he regained his breath. Then he was looking at Harry with wide eyes.

“Where’d that come from?” Was the first thing out of his mouth and suddenly Harry regretted asking the question. “Have you been- thinking about- that?” Louis squinted at him and Harry pulled the covers into his fists.

“Yes.” 

“Oh.” Louis looked uncomfortable and the worst part was Harry couldn’t tell what he was thinking about. “Like-” He paused and ran a hand through his wet hair.

“Are you upset?” Harry interrupted and Louis looked back up at him.

“No.” Louis pressed quickly. “I just didn’t expect you to say that. Or think about that actually.” He spoke the last sentence more to himself.

“Well I was.” 

“You’re not old enough yet Haz.” Louis had been over this with him multiple times when they were making out and Harry reached his hands too far down.

“I know. But my birthday is in three days and I was wondering-” Harry paused to see if Louis would catch on.

“You want birthday sex?” Louis eyes were wide and now Harry was the one to shake his head.

“No! That isn’t- I meant- at some point after I turned eighteen. It doesn’t even have to be sex. It could just be blow-” Harry’s face went red and he slapped a hand over his mouth.

Louis eyes were wide and he was staring at Harry in disbelief. “You want me to give you a blowie?”

“No.” Harry hissed as he ran a hand over his eyes. This was not going as planned. “I could give you-” He shut his mouth when Louis’ jaw dropped.

“What have you been watching?” He hissed. 

“Nothing. I’ve been reading actually.” Harry stated quietly because this was escalating the wrong way. “The internet had a lot of things about stuff like that.”

“You looked up how to give a blowjob on the internet?” Louis raised his eyebrows at the younger boy and Harry gulped before nodding. Louis went silent and they both stared at each other for what felt like forever. “Wait until you turn eighteen.” 

-

“It’s going to rain.” Harry was pressed up against Louis’ chest and they were sitting in the back of Louis’ truck. 

“We can’t have it rain on the birthday boy.” Louis scoffed quietly under his breath and Harry turned his head around to lightly smack him on the cheek. “Ouch.” He chuckled and Harry smiled at him before turning back around.

“The sky looks like the sea.” Harry spoke quietly. “And all of the curves are waves.”

Louis hummed in the background before running a hand through the younger boys hair. “They look like clouds to me.” And Harry knew Louis was teasing him.

“But, isn’t it pretty to think so?”

It went silent and Harry felt the first drop of rain fall on his nose. Louis must have felt one as well because he was grunting behind him and pulling his boy closer to his chest.

“The food is probably ready.” Louis murmured before hoisting himself up and out of the bed of the trunk. Harry kept himself from falling backwards and forced himself to get up as well.

Later at the dinner table Anne was rambling about god knows what. Harry was too focused on the way Louis was smiling at her. His eyes were crinkled around the edges and Harry’s heart was banging against his rib cage.

“I made your favourite Harry.” Anne was placing a plate full of food in front of him and Harry nodded along with her. He had been eating with Louis. Louis had taken him out and they would eat everywhere from the park to the roof of his apartment building. 

“Thanks Mum. That’s-” He glanced around at the two people sitting in front of him and nodded again. “Thank you.” He breathed. He caught Louis’ eye and the older boy raised his eyebrows at him. Harry just grinned before looking down at his plate.

“I don’t know if we should eat cake or open presents afterwards.” Anne muttered to herself before shoving a forkful of food in her mouth.

“We should do both.” Harry chimed in and Louis gave him a look like he was the most brilliant being on the entire planet.

“You’re opening mine second because mines the best.” Louis smirked and Harry looked back down at his food with a grin plastered to his face. There was a slight pause before Louis was adding- “But Anne I have no doubt your present is wonderful as well.”

Harry’s Mum laughed from her seat and they continued their banter until it was time to open presents and Louis was scooting impossibly close to Harry as he shoved chocolate cake into his mouth.

“What is it?” Louis squinted as Harry attempted to get his fingers into the wrapping.

“I don’t-” Harry huffed in annoyance.

“Here I’ll help.” Louis sat up and went to open the box, but paused to look up at Anne for permission. Harry needed to say something about how much Louis was sucking up to his Mum. But now was not that time.

Louis proceeded to tear the wrapping off and throw it on the floor before handing it back to Harry.

“You tore it all off.” Harry scoffed.

“There is a bit left on the top. You can’t even tell what it is.”

“If I flipped it over I could see.”

“Then don’t flip it over.”

Harry closed his lips and tried not to smile; only to fail miserably and start laughing. Harry forgot his Mum was in the room for a second and he snuck a glance at her to see her staring at them fondly.

“A sweater.” Harry opened the small box and pulled the sweater out. He examined it for a moment before looking up at his Mum.

“You said you needed one the other day.” She raised her eyebrows and Harry vaguely recalled saying anything of the sort. His smile started to slip from his face because this was such a Mum thing to do. “There are also a couple gift cards on the kitchen counter waiting for you. I knew you would give me that face.”

Harry let out a small laugh before placing the sweater back into the box. “Thanks Mum.”

“Open mine.” Louis gently pushed the bag towards him and Harry glanced over at him.

“I can actually open this one.” Harry grinned and Louis pushed his arm playfully. Harry’s stomach fluttered at that and he gulped.

He ripped the tissue paper out before reaching his hand in and grabbing the first thing he could. 

“I made you three. But only because it was your birthday.” Louis’ voice was soft next to his as he snuggled into his arm.

“I love your mix tapes.” Harry breathed out before placing them on the counter. “Can we listen to them tonight?” 

“Of course.” Louis grinned. Harry would read them later. He put his hand back in the bag and pulled out two movie tickets.

“We can go whenever.” Was Louis’ response.

After Harry pulled out pink socks, a book for happy people, and a bag of hershey's minis, he finally pulled out the last thing. 

“A bracelet?” Harry frowned, because he didn’t understand.

“Turn it around.”

“Oh.” Harry felt his cheeks turn red. Louis’ was engraved on it in big bold letters and Harry clutched it tight in his fist.

“I got one that says your name on it.” Louis held his wrist out and Harry gently took his wrist in his free hand. After a moment Louis looked up at him with expectant eyes. ”Do you like it?”

Harry continued to stare for a moment because Louis looked so beautiful today. He did his hair for Harry and dressed for Harry and help Anne cook, all for Harry.

“I love it.” He smiled and that was that. 

-

Louis was holding Harry against his chest at the end of the bed, as the younger boy sorted through his presents. Louis helped him put his bracelet on and Harry pulled the mix tapes back out so they could listen to one of them.

"You have to read the names. There are certain ones for certain times." Louis hummed as he continued to lightly press kisses against Harry's neck.

"For a road trip." Harry read the first one out loud before setting it down next to him. "For dance parties." He snorted lightly at that and Louis laughed against his neck.

"It can also be for singing in the shower." The older boys voice traveled down his neck and Harry shivered slightly.

"What songs are on them?" He was still staring at the dancing one and picked the other back up to look at it. 

"You'll have to listen to them."

"Which one should we listen to now?" Harry hummed and looked between the two. Louis laughed again.

"There's one more love." He hummed and Harry shifted his fingers over to look at the lining of the third tape. 

"I feel like this is the one we're going to listen to." Harry didn't want to look, but he did. It was probably important. He set the second tape down and made sure the other two were placed down even.

"I-" Harry's words caught in his throat as he stared down at the last tape. Louis paused his kisses to look down at the tape as well.

"I was just thinking about what you said a couple days ago." His voice was soft and Harry let out a shaky breath. "I thought this could top off your birthday present." 

"Yeah." Harry choked the word out because he wasn't sure this was happening. He didn't think Louis would be cheeky enough to have written 'for sexy time' on the disk, but Harry was staring right at it.

"What do I- do I-" Harry's words caught in his throat because he was suddenly very nervous. Louis wanted to- to-

"Only if you want to." Louis added softly and he sounded so understanding. Harry simply nodded at that.

"I do. It's just- I've never- I haven't-" He shut his mouth again because he felt his cheeks heat up.

"It's okay." Louis hands were curving under Harry's armpits and moving down to go under his shirt. They had done that before. Harry needed to remind himself to breathe.

"What do I do?" Harry stared at the wall because he didn't know where to put his limbs. He didn't even know what exactly they were doing.

"I'm pretty sure the birthday boy gets to decide that." Louis literally nipped at his ear and Harry's body grew more tense than it was before.

"I wanna give you a blow job." Harry was quick with it and Louis paused his movements to snatch the disk from the younger boys hands.

"You sure?" Louis untangled his body from Harry's and skipped over to his CD player. Harry shivered and nodded.

"I've been reading about it." 

Music flooded the room and Louis switched up the volume a couple notches. 

"Why'd you only call me when you're high." Harry stated automatically and Louis glanced at him with a look of fond covering his face.

"Blowjobs aren't usually what you do the first time." Louis put his hand on Harry's chest before pushing the younger boy back down onto the bed and kissing him.

"I want to." Harry followed Louis as he pulled away to stare at him.

"You'll tell me if it's too much?" He looked serious and the younger boy nodded quickly. 

"Promise. I trust you."

Louis kissed him again and hummed in agreement. Harry's hands pulled at Louis' nice jumper and they parted to allow him to pull it over his head and chuck it on the floor. Harry followed quickly afterwards.

Harry's hands pressed into his chest and he realized he was shaking. His hand reached around and he slowly cupped Louis' arse. He wasn't allowed to do that before. But now he was eighteen and Harry didn't remember thinking that eighteen was such a good age to be.

"Thanks for asking." Louis grunted as Harry pulled up and Louis shifted slightly.

"Can I-" Harry was cut off with Louis nipping at his collar bones before picking a spot and sucking down on it. "Can-" 

"Corse." Louis continued to press kisses all over Harry's skin until the younger boy was whining at Louis to just do something. The feeling was electric.

"Please." Harry didn't know what he was asking for but he needed Louis to give him something. "Louis." Harry lightly scratched the other boys skin and Louis pulled away abruptly.

Harry's eyes widened and he wondered for a second if he had made Louis stop, but then Louis was motioning him over and Harry was standing at the end of the bed with shaking legs.

"On your knees, yeah?" Louis raised his eyebrows to make sure it was okay and Harry dropped down willingly. Maybe a bit too much, he thought as his knees throbbed at the impact.

It was silent for a moment and Harry felt his eyes go from Louis' crotch to his face. His eyes were hooded over and he looked blissed out. They hadn't even done anything yet.

Louis quickly shucked off his pants and tossed them to the other side of the room. Harry gripped the hem of his boxers before the older boy could do anything about it and Louis let out a shaky breath.

"Please." Harry's voice cracked and he didn't wait for an answer as he pulled down Louis' last article of clothing. 

His breath caught in his throat because how the hell was he supposed to do this? All the things he learned how to do seemed to vanish from his mind and he was left staring at Louis' cock.

A hand slowly trailed through his hair in a petting motion and Harry relaxed slightly. "You're alright." Louis' voice was soft as he ran his thumb over Harry's scalp.

Harry gulped and reached a shaking hand up to grip at the base of his cock. Louis let out a small breath above him and tangled his other hand into the younger boys hair.

Harry sat up and opened his mouth before experimentally running his tongue flat over the tip. He tilted his head and licked a stripe along the bottom.

"Jesus." Louis breathed from above him. "What did you read." 

That eased Harry's nerves slightly and he continued to give Louis kitten licks on the tip of his cock. 

"Mm." Louis gave the hint that he wanted Harry to stop teasing him but at the same time he could take all the time he needed.

Harry paused before he slowly took Louis into his mouth and the older boy let out a shaky sigh. His fingers tightened slightly in his hair and Harry hollowed his cheeks before coming off and going back down again.

"Fuck. Love." Louis stuttered and Harry looked up at him as he went down again. Louis shared eye contact before his eyes fluttered shut as Harry swirled his tongue around. He was holding the sun.

Harry hummed around his dick and Louis let out what sounded like a choked whimper. Harry continued to bob his head up and down and breathe.

"So fucking good." Louis sounded broken from above him. "Feels like you've done this before." 

Harry was about to pull back and argue that but Louis' grip tightened hard in his hair and he was pushed farther down than he had been going.

He choked a bit and Louis released his hold slightly, but Harry would do this for him. He held the position and allowed his jaw to relax and go slack.

"Such a good boy." Louis petted him quietly for a moment and Harry let his fingers trail down Louis' legs. This was okay.

Harry pulled back to allow himself a breath before sinking back down as far as he could go. His nose brushed against Louis' tummy and he hollowed his cheeks to suck again.

"Gonna-" Louis sounded breathless and Harry loved that he made him feel that way. Louis' gentle tug was motioning for Harry to pull of but this was the part he read the most about. When Louis realized Harry was staying where he was the older boy released a strand of curses and Harry hummed as he felt the warm liquid start to pour into the back of his throat. 

Louis hands went slack on Harry's head as he focused on his orgasm. Harry pulled off slightly to gather up the cum that had trailed down his cock. He licked fat stripes up and down the sides to clean it and was only pulled away when Louis gently tugged on one of his curls.

"Love." Louis' voice was soft and Harry was torn between Louis' dick and Louis in generally, but of course he went for the latter.

He glanced up and gave Louis a lopsided grin. Louis pulled him up by his curls before kissing into his mouth and pushing him down onto the bed.

"Do you taste yourself?" Harry questioned and Louis ground down into the younger boy.

"Harry, fuck." The comment was brief and it had Harry giggling into their kiss. They made out for an unknown amount of time, to a point where Harry was straining against his pants and it was hurting.

"Lou." Harry yet again didn't know how to ask for it and Louis yet again knew exactly what to do. A hand suddenly cupped the bulge in his jeans and Harry's body automatically bucked up into the touch. Another hand curved around his hip to hold him down and Louis carefully slipped his fingers into Harry's boxers. They burned his skin and he tried to buck up again to no avail.

"Can I give you a handjob?" Louis questioned and Harry was mumbling under his breath. "Love?" His voice held a bit of humor in it.

"Please, yes." Harry breathed and Louis slid his boxers down slowly before sitting back slightly to admire him. Harry felt his cheeks set on fire and Louis quickly bent down to press a kiss to his nose.

"You're so beautiful." Louis spoke as he wrapped a hand around Harry's shaft and gave him a firm stroke.

"Ugh." Harry's head rolled back because it felt so much better when someone else was doing it. 

"Look so lovely like this." Louis set into a rhythm of jerking and twisting and Harry quickly turned into a mess beneath the older boy. "Never seen anyone look so beautiful." 

Harry's cheeks were flushing despite the fact he was getting jerked off. He was head over heels with Louis and he drowned out the music playing to focus on the older boys face. 

Louis let go of his hip and wound their fingers together, never stopping his actions.

Harry tummy will filled with butterflies as he stared at the boy in front of him. Little whimpers he couldn't control were making their way out of the back of his throat and his chest coiled to the point where he thought he would burst.

"Louis, louis, louis." Harry felt every muscle in his body start to tighten and he was so close.

"Cum for me Haz." Louis' voice was laced with sex and compassion and Harry barely noticed Louis' thumb dragging up and down his fingers. "I'm here."

Harry saw stars as his orgasm ripped through him and the sound he made sounded nothing like him. He felt his head go clear and everything was so good. His muscles relaxed slowly and he melted back into the bed as a ringing took place of his hearing. He never wanted to give up this feeling. He never wanted to give up Louis. He wanted to marry Louis and have kids and grow old with-

"Babe." Louis' voice was soft as he ran his hands through the younger boys hair. "Come back to me." Harry forced his eyes open only to see Louis smiling down at him. "Oops." He spoke almost apologetically, as if he didn't mean to send Harry into subspace.

"Hi." Harry croaked and Louis' grin grew bigger before he was collapsing down next to Harry and wrapping his limbs around him. "M' hot." Harry didn't think he could be this tired from this but Louis seemed to be exhausted as well. He buried his face into Harry's neck and inhaled deep.

"Mhmm." Louis hummed in agree to his earlier statement. "But I want to sleep with you in my arms."

Harry snuggled himself back into Louis' frame and neither of them seemed to mind that they were naked.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

-

Harry woke up to music playing next to him. It was calm, but either way it drew him from his sleep.

"Why are you playing music?" Harry could barely hear himself as he snuggled into Louis' side. The older boy was sitting up in Harry's bed with his laptop open.

"Thought you'd wanna wake up to it." Louis sounded well rested and Harry contently sighed into his side.

"Thank you." He was quiet and Louis gently ran his fingers down Harry's bare shoulder. "For all of last night."

"You're welcome I had a good time as well. It's so nice to see you happy." Louis continued to run his fingertips along his bare skin. "But your voice sounds wrecked. Don't know how to explain that one to your mum."

Harry tried to laugh only to realize his throat was slightly sore. "S'okay thank you."

"I didn't think the blowjob was going to be that good if I'm quite honest with myself." Louis spoke on a lighter note. "I thought I was going to have to help you but-" He paused and Harry opened his eyes to look at it. "It was really, really good." It was silent and a shy smile took over Harry's face as he felt his cheeks heat up. "And I'll have to return the favor sometime, yeah?"

Harry's chest burst with all the possibilities.

"Sounds like a plan."

-

"You could try being a bit quieter next time." Anne smiled knowingly as she walked through the kitchen. Harry felt Louis' body freeze next to his and Harry tightly gripped his hot chocolate mug.

She cast them one long knowing glance before leaving the room and shutting the front door behind her. 

"Oh no." Harry's eyes went wide and it went silent again. "I don't think she was upset." He looked over to Louis for answers and Harry had never noticed how they always seemed to be touching. They were thigh to thigh and Louis stared back at him blankly.

"Don't know about your mum." Louis tried quietly. "I'm still trying to win her over and I'm sure that didn't help much." He suddenly grinned.

Harry laughed.

-

"How are you feeling." Louis asked two nights later as they snuggled on the couch. Harry was pulled from the movie and he glanced at Louis with a confused look on his face.

"Like-" He didn't understand what Louis was asking about. "My arse?" He asked and Louis was grinning as he patted the area much to kindly. Harry grunted and gripped at Louis' biceps. 

"Not that, but how is it?" Louis tilted his head slightly and gave it another sharp pat. Harry frowned at him as he felt his face twist into pain.

"It's-" Another pat and Harry was gripping his wrist tightly. "Louis." He tried to be serious but they ended up smiling at each other. "It was feeling alright until you decided to-" He gasped. "Stop it." He grabbed his other wrist and pulled them to his chest. 

"Mm." Louis sighed happily. "But how are feeling- in general?" And the thought of Louis being his therapist briefly flickered through his thoughts as he traced his fingers through the crevasse in Louis' wrists.

"Uh-" He thought about it for a second. "Amazing. But only with you."

Louis laughed and it was bright and beautiful. "If I were to go home tonight how would you feel?"

Harry felt his face drop slightly as he thought about it. He didn't want to think like that. "Alright, I guess."

"You wouldn't want to hurt yourself?"

Harry huffed and shook his head. "No. Not- I don't think so. I feel pretty good." He met Louis' gaze. "But right now I feel wonderful."

Louis raised his eyebrows in humor. "Your arse feels wonderful then?" He went to move his hands but Harry gripped them tighter and hugged them to his chest.

"No." He hissed. Louis tickled at his tummy and Harry was jerking to get off of him. He get two steps away from the couch before strong arms wrapped around him and brought him to the floor in laughter.

"Tell me how your arse feels then." Louis spoke thoughtfully as Harry withered in his hold. 

"Let go." Harry breathed in between laughter. It was painful and the only downside of Louis Tomlinson.

"Tell it how it is and then maybe I can let you go." He pinched his sides just the way Harry hated and the younger boys laughs got choked off. 

"Louis." He tried as the older boy giggled into his neck. Harry was in pain from this. "My arse hurts." He choked and Louis squeezed harder at his sides.

"You're going to have to do better than that now." He flipped Harry so that he was underneath him. Louis sat right below his hips and continued his tickles and Harry pushed at his hands desperately.

"Please." He could feel tears start to run down his face and he wondered for a second if he could die from this. "Every time I sit down-" He got choked off again. "Hurts so much. It goes all the way up my spine."

"But?"

"It feels so good." He pleaded with his eyes that were barely staying open.

"Who did that to you Harry?" Louis asked in mock confusion and Harry swore to the devil. Why was he making it so difficult for him?

"You did." He managed to grab one of Louis' wrists but the relief was short lived and he lost the hold on it as soon as Louis' fingers made contact with his left side. "Louis you did."

"I did?"

Jesus fucking Christ.

"Yes-" The tickling stopped and his body turned into jello as his back thunked against the hard floor. "Please."

"So pretty." Louis was still sitting on him as he brushed the hair out from Harry's eyes. "Such a good boy for me." He wiped the tears from under his eyes and tilted his head fondly.

Harry couldn't help the flush he felt creep up his chest but it was there and he could feel it. "Only for you."

Louis nodded thoughtfully before dragging his thumb along Harry's bottom lip. The younger boys lips parted on instinct and Louis ran his finger along the boy's teeth.

At that, Harry’s face scrunched up in disgust and Louis was laughing at him a second later.

Life could be worse.

-

Harry was walking in the hallway on the first day back to class when Zayn enveloped him in a death grip. Harry froze in surprise and continued to hold his posture when he realized Zayn was hugging him.

“What are you doing?” Harry breathed out quietly.

“I’m just glad you're back mate.” Zayn was patting him on the back and Harry finally decided to return the hug.

“Everything alright?” Harry was confused. Was he being pranked?

“All good.” Zayn finally pulled away to look at him. “Just glad you're here.”

And that was that.

-

Louis started letting Harry drive at night because there was less of a possibility of an accident at that time. Harry was currently driving on the highway and he didn't quite know where he was going. 

“Let’s stop at the first cool place we see.” Louis had said earlier. They had been driving for about an hour and the best place seemed to be the car.

Harry’s body was at ease as he stared at the vast expanse of road ahead of him. It went on and on for what seemed like ages. 

Louis was fiddling with the disk player, skipping songs he didn't want to hear. His tuffs of hair were flying with the wind from the windows being down. Harry had to say something earlier that Louis didn't take too kindly to.

Everything was good. 

The thought popped into Harry’s head and his lips parted slightly at the realization. Everything was good.

Harry was happy.

“There is an ice cream shop at the next exit.” Louis interrupted his thought.

“Ice cream at midnight?” Harry laughed out loud.

“Why not?” Louis responded with a shrug and Harry glanced over to see Louis staring at him fondly.

Harry took the exit because ice cream sounded better than he thought. As the car continued down the road Harry focused in on the song that was playing.

“Time shakes, found you at the water  
At first you were my father, now I love you like a brother  
Earthquakes shake the dust behind you  
This world at times will blind you  
Still I know I'll see you there.”

As he got out of the car he glanced up to see Louis staring at him from the sidewalk.

“You alright?” He tilted his head slightly.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded. “I feel really happy right now.” He admitted. Louis’ entire face seemed to shift into a look of pure surprise.

They maintained eye contact and Harry felt his cheeks turn red at the open mouthed look Louis was giving him.

A moment later Louis was hugging him so tight that the breath was knocked out of him. “I can't even tell you how that makes me feel.” Louis was rocking him back and forth and swinging his body side to side. “Oh my god Harry.” Louis was laughing.

It was nice.

Ten minutes later they were eating ice cream in the car watching the workers in the brightly lit ice cream shop go about their business.

Harry’s entire body felt warm and the worry he usually carried around with him was taken off his shoulders. If only for the night, but Harry welcomed this feeling. He melted into the comfort of Louis.

“Harry are you paying attention to me?” Louis was staring at him with expectant eyes.

“Sorry, what?” Harry blinked at him. “I was thinking.”

“Do you want to go back to mine or yours?” Louis grinned at him.

“Yours.”

Louis probably already knew that. 

“Alright.” Louis stuck his spoon in his mouth and turned the volume dial up to make sure they were both surrounded by music.

As they were driving back Harry couldn't help but go over the past couple months in his head. How everything seemed to fit so perfectly into place and how beautiful the boy sitting next to him was. 

He could get used to this. 

Louis started singing the song at the top of his lungs and Harry was laughing as he joined in.

He could definitely get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Author's Note:**

> Next update will be in December of 2015. 
> 
> If you have any questions feel free to drop by my tumblr @tumblpr. I'm always around.
> 
> Katie. (:


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